As a writer working from home, it is important to keep looking for opportunities and, well, you know, income. You can imagine my excitement the other day when a whole campaign of work was delivered to my junk mail folder. The only teeny tiny problem was that it was not being offered to me as work as such. In fact the sender actually wanted money from me. But I, as a writer with a bit of experience in public relations and marketing, saw a way to turn this around.
The emails being sent were , well they were not well written. They got to the point (rather fast) but they did not make an awful lot of sense and they certainly did not appeal to the average woman in the 35-45 year old married female demographic. And so I have decided to contact the sender with my ideas. In return they could give me bucketloads of cash or vats of little blue pills.
My task, as I assigned myself, was to take their pithy one line emails that were clearly aimed at Neanderthal, non-English speaking, sex crazed, gullible men (NESSGM) and turn them into something that would attract the attention of a married, 41 year old English speaking mum of 1 (with a dog). (ME)
All NESSGM emails have been transcribed exactly (complete with spelling errors) from my junk mail folder. I have left out the links because I do not want to give you a virus. I mean, I hardly even know you. You do, however get to see the new and improved emails….
OLD
Subject: Be the inner massgist
Body: Exaltation of having your rod ready-for-action again! This solution’s worth trying!
NEW
Subject: Be the dinner mistress
Body: Imagine the joy of having your dinner ready for serving every night! Without even trying!
OLD
Subject: Improve your androgen levels
Body: Get positive changes below the belt
NEW
Subject : Improve the way you feel about your body
Body: We guarantee positive weight changes around the stomach area. All you need do is sleep. In your own bed. ALONE
OLD
Subject: Detoxicate your body
Body: Right packs for night acts
NEW
Causes of impotence: Until recently, the sale of sildenafil tablets main cause of lost potency of developing healthy erections. Such sessions help men find out why they find it hard to consume tablets. discount viagra Do not take this medicine on each day basis as erectile dysfunction is viagra tablets 100mg not a disease. It is not necessary that a downtownsault.org levitra no prescription masculine man can have stronger erection during sexual arousal and it will be very tough to get the exact treatment. Subject: Don’t worry about any body
Body: We will take care of all night time duties – including making dinner, clearing and washing dishes and reading bedtime stories and tucking in child
OLD
Subject: Useful potions. Approved pillules
Body: She’ll whisper “you’re the best”
NEW
Subject: Useful emotions. Approved time out
Body: He’ll whisper “it’s okay honey, I just want to tell you I love you, now sleep tight”
OLD
Subject: No fear of falling
Body: Blow her with your hormones
NEW
Subject: No fear of failing
Body: We will come around to your home every day and provide individualised tuition and homework help to your child. He will be blown away by the amount of fun he will have while getting through his homework
OLD
Subject: Helloween sale
Body: Need assistance in drilling?
NEW
Subject: Holiday sale
Body: Need assistance in escaping the daily grind? We will take care of all the holiday plans, including return first class airfares for one, superior 5 class accommodation and calorie reducing chocolate cake served on the hour). Husband, child and dog minding will be provided AT HOME for those left behind.
Do you think I’ll get the gig?
Have you ever dared to open the link on one of these emails ? Who exactly are they targeting? Massgists? Fallers? Drillers.
Love it, you will get the gig for sure and I shall take up all of those NEW and improved offers thank you!
I’ll certainly contemplate the new ones, but still won’t open the old emails…
N x
No I don’t click on any of those links – Don’t want my computer to crash!
Haha, the old and new revisions were funny.
To whom it concern (your problem in the bedroom),
It has come to our attention that you have been poking (her all night) fun at NESSGM. Please know (how to please her all night) that these jokes (no more she laugh at you) are not appreciated (like she will with my new rod).
Please stop (failing in the bedroom) your attacks (with my new rod…again).
Sincerely (pleasing her)
Masgist I. Driller (all night!)
Great post Lana!
Thank you Masgist Driller
I half expected to see reference to a Horny Englishman #injoke
xxx
Hell yes, you’ve got the gig!! I’d buy all of that…and more! hehe 😉
You are totally onto something. I would especially like it if my husband would subscribe to the “sleep tight” one. That would be awesome. 🙂
As soon as I get the job I am buying a decade’s supply to that one! 😉
kind of liked that one myself…
Why I think your new and improved Helloween Sale sounds just delightful, I’ll take it. They would be mad not to hire a woman of your skills, I’d give you the gig fo shiz.
Thanks – when I get it I will send you the “Helloween” special
I am having trouble writing – I am crying with laughter! Love it!!!!
Great blogpost, I bookmarked your blog so I can visit again in the near future, Cheers