My son was very shy. Inordinately shy. In fact so shy that we thought we would have to do surgery on him when he was a little boy just to remove him from the back of my legs. He stuck to me. Literally
I may or may not have been a little neurotic given his very hard start in life but it may have just been in the way that I parent. I kept Little Pencil close to me, I pandered to all his needs and I never ever let him cry . I don’t regret that at all. Never have and doubt that I ever will. In fact as I look back at the gazillion or so photos that I have of Little Pencil growing up I remember his childhood with happiness and every picture I see encapsulates that joy.
But Little Pencil was shy, wary of the world and loved me to be around him. All. The. Time. I worried about this when he was at pre-school and his “insecurity” was at its peak. In fact I briefly thought that maybe I had been a bit over the top in the neurosis stakes. But it was a brief thought and I consoled myself that some children are just shy and well, he was a shy child.
Every day I would pick him up from pre-school and look at the teacher beseechingly “was he naughty today?” I would ask. I wanted them to answer yes, because I just wanted him to be confident and happy enough to be naughty in class. Without fail they looked at me like I was inquiring about the wrong child. Little Pencil at pre-school was never naughty.
When I made the decision to move him from his pre-school that was associated with a primary school to a new school completely my decision was questioned. In fact I was told by the staff at the pre school that it was the wrong decision, that Little Pencil would not cope with the change and that he would have difficulty making new friends. He was shy, quiet, introspective, not good at handling change or indeed big groups of people. I was told that he was a child that would flourish only in one on one interactions and he should stay with the group of children that he was familiar with
Cue to last week – Parent’s evening for the Year 4 parents.
Academically nothing much has changed for my boy. He is smart and interested in his environment, keen to learn and literally aceing it in his classes. But that is not what concerns me, what I always want to know is “is he happy? Is he shy? is he naughty?
When I ask those questions all these years later the teachers still look at me a little bewildered. How do they answer this lunatic woman who asks after a child that no longer exists? The child they know talks constantly, incessantly, sometimes even disruptively. He is social, he extrovert, he is confident and loud.
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Little Pencil is not shy. In fact he may be a little over confident. And naughty? If chatty is naughty he is scoring pretty close on 100%
I should be getting used to that now, the change happened when he first made the move to all those years ago in Year K.
Little Pencil blossomed at his new school. He had the chance at only 5 years old to reinvent himself, to be the person he wanted to be without the shackles of his past. Ridiculous to think you can wear the shackles of your past at 5 years of age but scarily true.
At only 5 his peer group and his teachers, even his parents had determined that he was shy. We never let him be anything else than the shy kid who had been scared to attend pre-school on day one.
A fresh start at a new school that embraced him and welcomed him as an individual allowed him to be himself, and it turns out that that self wasn’t that shy.
I am thrilled that his teachers think I am odd when I ask if he is shy, I am less thrilled that he never shuts up for a second. But I would not have it any other way.
Beautiful, poignant and true. As always.
xxxxxxx
And, as a 40-something year old, over-sensitive FOOL I for one would just love to say how much your latest post touched me…and how much it helped me!
I for one wanted to let you know how grateful I am that another “emotionally articulate” woman (which I have been recently accused of being, and not in a flattering way either)…
And how I worried myself sick about my own son (now 20!) and all the bullying he endured in primary school and how it would (surely!) affect him…
Whatever it is that we are “labelled” growing up – life/time can and does often change us. We can and do trimph, no matter how many others worry or perceive our character traits as weaknesses.
You are not neurotic. You are a WONDERFUL, caring, sensitive mum who wants/prays/hopes for one thing for her kids. Happiness.
Congrats to you. And congrats to your gorgeous Little Pencil for triumphing and finding his voice & his confidence. You helped him find that. Whether you realise it or not (yet)!
Big Al xx
He is so doing everything he ought & more.. But hey, you are his mama & you nearly lost him so many times … Of course you will ask those questions!
Can’t wait to hear the responses from teachers in his High School years ( yes, L, he does have to go!) when you ask the questions!!
Love your love of your special & now “not shy” son! Denyse xxxx
Oh! I have just been through the same thing! My boy is only 4, but was at a kinder where his older sister had been and was touted as being the pilot kinder in Vic. She liked it, so I just presumed he would too. He had been to drop off and pick up for her and loved all the carers/teachers.
Then it was his turn. He changed. He became introverted, shy, nervous.. we persevered for a year and then I finally moved him to the 4 yo kinder next to his sister’s school and he is a new child! Well, he is the old child back again
Well done you!
M
As a 40-something year old, over-sensitive FOOL I for one would just love to say how much your latest post touched me…and how much it helped me!
I for one, wanted to let you know how grateful I am that another “emotionally articulate” woman (which I have been recently accused of being, and not in a flattering way either) has found peace in the knowledge that her little one will be “just fine” after all!
How I worried myself sick about my own son (now 20!) and all the bullying he endured in primary school and how it would (surely!) affect him…
Whatever it is that we are “labelled” growing up – life and time can and does often change us. We can and do trimph – no matter how many others worry about or perceive our character traits as weaknesses.
You are not neurotic. You never were. You are simply a WONDERFUL, caring, sensitive mum who wants/prays/hopes for one thing for her kids. Happiness.
Congrats to you. And congrats to your gorgeous Little Pencil for triumphing and finding his voice & his confidence. You helped him find that. Whether you realise it or not (yet)!
Big Al xx
This is so true! Five years ago I would have said my son was shy and my daughter psychotic. OK, maybe not psychotic but a complete pain in the neck… today he is social, confident, charming and she is loving and easy. Kids DO change. They’re not always who they start out as, and it’s so importamnt not to pigeonhole them. Loved your line about throwing off the shackles at five… Sad though really that we have to be reminded of that. x
Thank you for this lovely story. Just yesterday my daughter started at a new school for the very same reason. She is in K, and has dedicated her whole heart to me – very sweetly, but I worried how she was going to go in the big wide world. We hadn’t even finished the first term at her first school, but it was clear she was disappearing in to herself. Her new school has smaller class sizes, but more interaction with a variety of people. I feel in my heart we’ve made the right decision, though others have told us similar things to those things that were said to you. Yesterday was the first day she did not had an hour long tantrum on being picked up from school – so I’m very hopeful!
That’s the wonderful thing isn’t it? They can reinvent themselves, or more accurately, find the self they want or need to be. I’m so glad you gave Little Pencil the chance to make changes in his life. It can’t have been an easy decision. He sounds like a total joy x
Aw bless. This truly is the sweetest post! x
This could not have possibly come at a better time for me. I’ve actually started taking my daughter to therapy because she is so ridiculously shy at pre school. She’s been attending since October and still to this day has been too shy to ask another child their name. The therapist performs “Sand Play Therapy” on her and from what she can decipher from the figurines she chooses, it is pretty much my fault. Because she was my first born I kept her too close, tried too hard to shield her from harm, was the stereo typical over protective mother. I’ve been absolutely beating myself up over this, trying to work out how I can right my wrongs – not really coming up with any valid solutions. Perhaps all she needs is time to come out of her shell. She starts primary school next year – perhaps that will be her fresh start also.
Thank you so much for this post 🙂
Brought a smile to my face. You must be so proud.
I just wish Mr. Pencil was more shy and less naughty. Nah, I just wish he didn’t talk so much.
Loved this post Lana. It made me think of my own little miss who is 3 and has just started calling herself ‘shy’. Apparently this means she doesn’t have to talk to people if she doesn’t want to. I don’t know who put this idea in her head, but I want her to grow out of it and not identify herself with any particular label.
Fantastic- I’ve never heard of this “blossoming” occurring at such a young age! It also occurs to me that Little pencil may not have been “shy” before, but actually felt “not good enough” or “defeated”. In fact it brought me a “lightbulb” moment! I’m an introverted, somewhat negatively self-appraising adult who had an anxious mum (she was NOT over-protective, in fact- the reverse in reality). But I am quite happy about introducing myself to strangers and mixing with all and sundry in huge groups or alone. From Little Pencil’s experiences I have learnt that maybe my immigration and placement into a new school at six was what got me labeled as “shy” and which made me more introverted than I might have been. By placing a kid who was in the “advanced” stream in my old country (no language change, but teacher ASSUMED I had one) into a “B stream” one year below, I was made to think I “wasn’t good enough” and my pleas to be allowed in with the kids who matched my skills were “defeated” by the school. From then onwards I gave up trying, became uninterested in most schoolwork and became a sad kid, lacking in good friends, with no confidence even to speak in class. I achieved well academically but hate competing and have not really got anywhere in life, compared to what I might have done if I didn’t have this negative attitude (which I hadn’t noticed). So transitions seem to be VERY important factors in the lives of young kids- sometimes for good and sometimes for quite bad. It pays teachers and parents to think of the longterm implications!