I’m sitting in my car waiting to pick my son up from school when the message appears with it’s customary ping on to the screen of my phone. It’s from my son.
“I got in trouble at school today. Don’t get super angry and please listen to me when I try to tell u in the car 🙁 sorry”
Well, what do you do with that? Other than the obvious which for me is to worry that your child is scared you are going to get super angry?
My son is a good boy. Okay he’s very naughty but in a mischievous, chatty kind of way. He has been known to talk A LOT and one of his favourite things in the world is to make other people laugh. Maybe if I were his teacher I wouldn’t have started that sentence with using the term “good boy”.
But, even though he can er, chat a lot, he has a healthy respect for authority (where I am not seen as any kind of authority figure). He is scared of getting into trouble at school and as part of his desire to make people laugh he also shows an amazing capacity to try make people feel happy – this stops him from playing against the rules because he knows that nobody’s gonna be happy with that!
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So what was I to make of his text?
He got into the car with tears brimming in his eyes and every single part of me melted. I am putty in the hands of tears.
He explained his version of the story which I am sure had a grain of truth in it. Basically there was a “misunderstanding” about a ball being kicked when it shouldn’t have been played with – after the deputy head of the high school (cue more intimidation) had told him not to. I heard his side of the story and assumed he may have been covering some of the truth and the teacher in question may have been feeling a little sensitive because she sent him to the headmaster of the primary school for a dressing down for, from what I have been told, seems like a fairly minor infringement that she could have easily managed herself.
So here I am with a child crying over something that happened at school and as far as I am concerned has been dealt with at school. His very excellent headmaster was kind, gentle but firm and asked him to write an apology to the teacher that he had “offended”. Dealt with like a professional from where I stand.
But what was I to do – do I punish my child for something that happened at school that I didn’t witness? Do I take his side? The teacher’s side? Or no side at all?
I think it’s important for my son to know that I care about his schooling, I have always taken an active interest in his school activities because of that (and because I actually am interested). I sit with him while he does his homework because I want him to know that I think what he’s doing counts and that it is important and that I care about what he’s learning about (I don’t really).
I feel like I am part of his school life because of this and also because of the astounding community minded nature of the school (he goes to an extraordinarily brilliant school which I love and will defend to the death.)
But discipline at school belongs at school and so I calmed him. I told him I understood that there had been a misunderstanding, I told him to write the apology letter and put the whole thing behind him. I think all the fear and worry about telling me was punishment enough from our side…
What would you do if your child got into trouble at school? Would you punish him at home or would you let it go?
Oh heartbreak mama…you did good! I agree x100 that you leave it all exactly as you have.
When the child has been punished adequately and sees that there was something done against school policy/rules and the parent has listened and helped the child see the rights/wrongs then that stays at that.
My concern, from the parent/grandparent/teacher/principal roles I have, is for those children whose parents take the issues too far or never believe that their child has ‘done’ wrong.
Too far would include bans on this/bans on that…the punishment always needs to stay within the bounds of the event …and for the person to have understood it.
On a kind of light-hearted note (but not really) some parents have been known to ask schools to punish kids after their behaviour at home on a weekend… TRUE. umm, no we dont do that!
Lana, you are a wonderful mum, and a sweet sister in law…I didnt comment about UP yesterday as there were no words to adequately express my feelings of helplessness.
love Denyse xxxxx
My philosophy is that if the matter is dealt with then there should be no extra punishment. This would be reassessed for repeat and continued poor behaviour (as I would deem it part of a larger problem that needed to be addressed at home as well).
On the positive, how wonderful that he immediately confided in you. x
It’s not such a bad thing (kicking a ball) but it’s good for him to think about the appropriateness of it and write the letter…As the mother of two sons I always winced at my class-clown son’s parent/teacher interviews – anticipating a negative or euphemistic comment, but in Year 6, the teacher said, “He’s a joker and disrupts the class, but I’ve got a soft spot for him.” I could have kissed her! In Year 8 the ‘good’ son received an after school detention for being implicated in a fire-lighting incident on the oval. He claimed he was innocent and I believed him but rang the school to clarify. They said that because he was “in the vicinity and should have reported the fire” he was culpable. He did the detention…. It’s sometimes hard for parents (and teachers) to get it right all the time and it’s very annoying when (as Denyse says) parents insists their child is perfectly behaved, when you’ve just witnessed them flicking spit-balls across the classroom! You sound like a lovely parent, Lana, don’t stress 🙂
I’m a huge softie, you did what I would have done. It’s been dealt with albeit I feel a little harshly but not my school so not my rules.
I think you made the right decision. I don’t always take the approach of ‘What goes on at school stays at school’, but generally I do. Sometimes there is more than one grain of truth in the story, and if my children are not in the wrong I don’t want them to be unfairly punished. I am lucky in that the school is very inclusive and nurturing, and our children’s teachers (this year) are approachable. I don’t ever want my kids to think I’m not supporting them.
xx
…I’d punish Mr. Pencil. And if my daughter gets into trouble, I’d ask that you punish Mr. Pencil for that too.
In India, there is an ancient saying that if a person is punished by the king for his crime, then, God does not punish him further (by throwing him into hell etc). Likewise, In school, whatever happens, the student must get the correction from the Teacher only. The parent must give that full freedom to the Teacher. The teacher must correct the student and mould him into a fine Individual. The final product matters. The teacher knows – or must know, how to handle each student. Parents must not interfere in that process. A Teacher must also not expect such a further intervention by the Parent.