10 completely non-medical signs that you have a chest infection

This is not the first time this has happened to me: I get sick before I go on holiday. Some would say it’s psychosomatic, to them I would so psychosomatic, shmychosomatic, I feel awful. So awful that I went one step further than Googling my symptoms and actually made an appointment to see my doctor. On my  first visit she  told me I should rest and drink plenty of fluids and on my second visit, when I felt infinitely worse, she made a weird shape with her mouth when she listened to my chest and PATTED ME before prescribing anti-biotics, puffers, nasal sprays and various other goodies. I like to think her patting me was a way of saying “sorry I dismissed your cough on your first visit”.

Anyway, to make her job a lot easier and to identify a chest infection without having to listen to chest crackles that make your mouth go into a weird shape, I am bringing you the 10 completely non medical signs that indicate you do indeed have a chest infection:

1. You feel like you are walking in custard but without the benefit of creamy sweetness all around you
2. You fall asleep just after waking up in the morning and can hardly complete even the smallest task without needing a giant nap afterwards. At night you are awake the entire time
3. You are more or less shamed into being in public because your cough scares people
4. Your chest feels like it is full of sticky sushi rice (trust me on this one – it is a very accurate description of the feeling of the current state of my chest)

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5. You start to sweat profusely every time you cough. Or move
6. You’re always about thisclose to throwing up
7. You have to look at what other people are wearing to gauge the weather because you’re always hot
8. People comment in how awful you look. This is often thinly disguised as concern for your health but the savvy player knows these people are just horrified at how bad you look.
9. Related to the above: any attempt at wearing blush will make you look like a sad and pathetic clown
10. You look up your symptoms on Google and it will be apparent that you have lung cancer or congenital heart disease

You can thank me tonight when I’m awake – right now I’m sleeping.  I HAVE to be better by Wednesday.