The longest two minutes in the world

This is my actual toothbrush timer. Note the 4 stars

I think it may be the abyss of your blogging career when you decide one morning to devote a whole post to tooth brushing. Unless of course you are a dentist or an oral hygienist – then it’s probably the pinnacle of your career. But stay with me, even though I have no dental qualifications.

Recently Mr Pencil bought the fanciest toothbrush in the whole world. Little Pencil had just had his braces fitted and the orthodontist had told him he wasn’t doing a great job of brushing his teeth. This was not news to anyone as Little Pencil has been known to stand with the toothbrush in his mouth in one spot and sing into the mirror as if the toothbrush is in fact a microphone. The orthodontist told us that if Little Pencil uses an electric toothbrush it should be one that oscillates and rotates and not just vibrates. Aha, rookie error – we had been using an old fashioned toothbrush.

So off Mr Pencil went to the toothbrush shop to find a toothbrush that oscillates AND rotates. Partly driven by fear of more dental bills and partly driven by love of technology he came home with a wireless toothbrush. I know that it sounds pretty standard to have a toothbrush that has no wires but this toothbrush has a wireless timer that connects to the toothbrush via Bluetooth (although it will not actually make your teeth blue) .

The timer shows how long you have been brushing for, while at the same time indicating which quadrant of your mouth you should be brushing. 30 seconds is allocated to each quadrant and when you finish you get a star rating depending on how long you have brushed for. This star rating stays on the screen until you use it again SO EVERYBODY CAN SEE HOW LONG YOU BRUSHED FOR.

I know that at this point you are thinking that we are wankers for owning such an elaborate toothbrush and we are, but you are also probably thinking that everybody brushes their teeth for two minutes anyway and it’s not such a big deal….

Well let me be the first to confess to you that maybe it’s just because a watched pot never boils but if this is what two minutes is really like I think I was brushing for 15 seconds pre wanky toothbrush.

Two minutes seems to take forever while watching it pass by second by second., even when it is divided into four quadrants.

To be honest I’m getting bored during toothbrushing time. Problem is I can’t cut it short because it’s bad for my teeth and also everyone* will know.

I’ve tried to multitask without my son seeing, because I would shout at him if he tried to do other things for the two minutes it takes to brush your teeth. (I call it parenting privilege) and now I know how long two minutes really is. It’s long enough to

• Get out your nightly medication (remember I am old – I need to take shit to keep me healthy)
• Check how long you’ve been brushing
• Clean up the toothpaste that your son has managed to get all over the bathroom while he mimed a song in front of the mirror
• Check your email
• Check how long you’ve been brushing
• Make lists in your head of exciting blog topics

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Look I admit, it’s hard to do too much while your one hand is holding a rotating and oscillating toothbrush but I am giving it a valiant go whilst ensuring I stay away from the dentist at the same time.

What do you do to keep yourself entertained while you are brushing your teeth or is that the most insane question you have ever been asked?