Sorry I’m moving into such a beautiful house #notsorry

I suffer (and I use the term very ironically) from white man’s guilt. I was born lucky – white and Jewish in Johannesburg, South Africa with the many trappings of middle class luxury which that brings. I started to feel the guilt pretty much at the same time I was old enough to spell it and it’s never left me since.

I realise every single day how lucky I am to be born where I was and who I was, I know that my innate being has nothing to do with my winning the lottery at birth. Some people are born on rubbish dumps in third world countries, some into hideously abusive situations, others into remote parts of the world with no access to clean water let alone education and the promise of a bright future. I know that underneath it all these people are no different to me – I just got lucky. It’s hardly a huge burden to bear but it weighs on me.

It doesn’t preclude me from hard times and hideous situations and if I was a braver blogger you would know that I had been through those.

But still it weighs on me that I have so much when others have so little.

My husband works hard, so do I. So do people in coal mines and supermarket check outs and thousands of other jobs, but we earn more than them because we were born lucky – we got the education, we got the support and the breaks and the opportunities because of where we were born and who we were born to.

I don’t need to justify myself by telling you which charities we support and how generous we might be because that doesn’t really justify why some people suffer and others don’t.
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This is weighing heavily on my mind as we prepare to move into our big and fancy house. Today I had lunch with my friend Kerri, I told her how bad I felt about moving into such a magnificent house while people were starving. She was kind and reassuring and told me not to deny myself my own happiness. She’s my friend, she knows how much I stress. She said some really wise words which I forgot because I obsessed instead on the negative – the message on my Facebook page from someone who has never met me.

You see, I came home to look at my Facebook page where I had posted a picture of the new house with no intention at all – I was just excited and happy about the move and, as a blogger, I share much of my life with an audience (although clearly not all of it ) . Someone had written something quite nasty referencing my first world problem (do you know how hard it is to choose an exterior paint colour? *tongue firmly in cheek*) so I answered with a smile and came back hours later to see that she had not smiled back. In fact she had lashed out telling me how I had “pretended to be regular but clearly I wasn’t because I was showing off my “luxe” house. There was more to it but her message is now gone so I cannot quote it directly.

I wonder if she realises that the size or colour of my house does not change the person that I am, that where I live or how I live doesn’t make me a better or worse person.

I’m still just me wherever I live and that me is very lucky (and well aware of it).

new house

Comments

  1. I believe in simple truths.
    You make the best of everything life offers or don’t! The glass is either half empty or half full.
    I don’t need to tell you of all the wonderful virtues you posess.
    I can however tell your not so nice FB ignoramus to F…. Off and get a life!

  2. Dear Lana,

    I just want to thank you for this blog and for those parts of you that you do share with us. As a fellow sufferer of anxiety about most things (including “white-person’s guilt”) I appreciate you putting your thoughts out there. Sometimes I feel like you’re inside my head verbalising my own concerns and today is one of those days.

    I have my own “fancy house” and I am enormously grateful that I was lucky enough to be born in circumstances where I was able to take advantage of the education I was provided with and that I enjoy the personal freedoms that come with living in a democracy. I understand that not everyone is so lucky and that poverty is not a choice, but a circumstance.

    Most people I know are “lucky” in this way, including some who don’t realise how fortunate they really are. Often these are the people who make nasty comments when they perceive others have more than they do.

    For me, it’s important to be grateful for what I have and wherever possible to help those less fortunate than myself, not just through charity but through advocacy and empathy. It is very clear to me (and I’m sure everyone else reading) that you do not take your “wealth” for granted and that you are grateful and wherever you can you help others.

    Enjoy your new house. It’s okay to be happy.

  3. I thought it was so in character for you to put up that photo of your beautiful house, Lana. I could sense your excitement that your ‘new baby’ is finally nearly ready – and why not celebrate when you’ve both worked so hard to achieve it? There will always be haters. I remember when my daughter was the only child in our group of friends to get into the Selective School, and no-one congratulated her or us, not even our close friends, and I felt we couldn’t celebrate. The old man is a high earner (although, not a big spender) but sometimes I feel we are made to feel guilty, like we don’t deserve it. If any of those judgers saw the stress he has endured, the anxiety he has experienced and the effect that his job has had on us as a family, they might hold their tongues.

    • Thank you Louisa and on behalf of all your friends a huge, bloody big congratulations on your daughter getting into the Selective School all those years ago xxxx

  4. You know Lana, it seems common that people aren’t comfortable or don’t celebrate others’ success or results of hard work. I’m sorry you were on the receiving end of this.
    Your house is gorgeous and I am so excited for you!! Enjoy it!

  5. I have those same feelings … we live in a lovely home, I’m well loved by my family, have a great job and to some people I have it all. Like you, life hasn’t always been sunshine and lollipops and I think people judge us on the here and now without giving any thought to the past. I’ve been so poor that I would eat leftovers from boardroom lunches at work because I didn’t have enough food to bring for lunch. But those days are long gone and I’ve worked hard to be where I am now … yet I always feel guilty that other people do it tough and may never get to experience all that I now have. I try to remember where I came from and give back/pay it forward whenever I can.

    It would be a nicer world if we could celebrate each others successes instead of always wanting to tear people down.

    • You, dear Annie, are one of the most beautiful and thoughtful people and I know and you deserve only happiness for the rest of your days and beyond

  6. Dear Lana,

    You are all kinds of awesome.

    Screw that tall poppy cutter-downerer.

    When you get into your new house go straight to that heavenly book shelf, smile, drop trou and moon the shit outta that hater’s negative energy.

    You deserve all of the good things. You denying them for yourself doesn’t mean they go to somebody else. You serve them no justice when you turn them away.

    That house didn’t just drop out of the sky. You dreamt it and made it happen. Take it now and love it x

  7. Your house looks beautiful that colour. Great choice. Happy home xx

  8. I hear what you are saying and thankfully you are aware, so that will dim the energy around your living your happiness. What I’m moved to share with you in the hope that you can move past this quickly is that we have such a tendency to have our greatest silent fear show up and when ONE person verbalises that fear through their own story, we immediately negate every other bit of positive reinforcement everyone who is aligned to our highest and greatest good has provided us. You are one of my favourite bloggers and posters on FB. I don’t know you at all, I am however an energy worker, and your energy doesn’t lie. Please do your best to cop that one on the chin, thank her for letting your worst fear come out and then let it go just like that annoying Frozen song. “The cold never bothered me anyway”. I love the colour you chose and I hope you have a housekeeper to help you keep it clean, and an ironing lady. Because you know, people who live in abundance provide abundance to a whole heap of other hard workers by spending their money on things they like. Just sayin’. xx

    • Oh Amanda you are spot on! I agree with you whole-heartedly. Lana, you have an authenticity that shines through online, and if anyone has a problem with the bits of your life you share, it’s just that – their problem. It’s a shame that sometimes a focus on peripheral “things” can cloud people’s views of the true beauty in the world. Keep shining xx

    • And just like that Amanda, I fell in love with your words – thank you xxx

  9. I can’t say anything other than what’s been said before by others. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and wish you happiness and excitement for tour new house. x

  10. I just shared an article in Aussie Bloggers about not tearing each other down and celebrating each other’s successes and I think that’s really important.

    An important part of being able to do that is to be able to go “I wish I had what that person has, and I’m jealous of it” and not let that influence your behaviour. I’ve found the most effective way to stop that influencing your behaviour is just to tell them straight out that you are jealous!

    The Manager at my work is currently pregnant. She is a good friend of mine, I am over the moon excited for her, but I’m also jealous as she’s pregnant, I would like to be, and she got pregnant on the first try. I just told her that. It doesn’t have to mean you change your behaviour towards that person.

    • I try hard not to wish for what other people have because you never really know what they went through to get there and you don’t know what other things they have…. BUT this much I know, it’s hard when your best friend is pregnant it is HARD not to feel some kind of “I wish that were me” but one day it will be and you will be an awesome mother xxxx

  11. Nice house – glad you took everyone’s advice on what colour to paint it! As for the rest of the garbage spouted by that idiot, just delete it, ignore it and there’s no need to apologise for the life you lead. We are all so very, very lucky to live in this fabulous country.

  12. I seen your post on FB earlier, and thought how beautiful your new home looks 🙂

    Congratulations on your dream coming true.

    MC xo

  13. Dear Everybody Who Read Lana’s Post (Including Lana, who wrote it),

    Yes, Lana, you are incredibly fortunate in the financial sense, and you have a beautiful house to show for it. (Though as you have worked your arse off, and your husband works his arse off, there are other factors at play other than ‘fortune. But I digress.

    As most of us know (who are not that nasty woman), financial security is but one factor in ‘good fortune’. There are so many other factors that go into creating a truly fortunate life. These include (but are not limited to): physical and mental health, quality of childhood, fertility, physical and mental health of loved ones, social relationships, work satisfaction and so on.

    As I know you (and nasty woman does not) I know that you have faced challenges in other areas of your life that most of us couldn’t dream of. So – even though you have the right to have a beautiful house anyway, because we don’t need to ‘earn’ fortune, life is just random that way – you deserve it more than anyone I know.

    Nasty woman, SERIOUSLY? You know not of what you speak.

    K xxxx

  14. Wot Kerri says.

  15. Lana
    Thx for your post. My Father, whose father washed windows for a living, taught me this. We ran the NYC marathon together. As we ran through the very run down areas of Brooklyn he turned to me and said by the grace of G-d we do not live here. He also posted a sign on his side of the refrigerator to remind us that everyone has hidden pains and challenges. Now as fortunate white parents we strive to do the same.

  16. Hey lovely one

    I too have a beautiful house, and often feel the need to ‘explain’ it to people who visit – I.e. We bought when the market was good, we’ve been renovating for eight years, etc.

    The truth is that I grew up in a housing commission home with little money, and my husband and I worked out butts off to be able to afford it. We are lucky (?) to be good at what we do and make good money.

    Never apologise for living the way that makes you happy. You are a good person and you have earned the right to live life your way.

    Much love

    Amanda x

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