When I stopped working at my last full time job my husband was insanely happy, probably because he was unhappier when I was at work than I was, and that’s saying something. I was stressed and unhappy when I resigned which is obviously the reason that I left.
I was working because I wanted to, because the salary was helpful (but not enough to make a real difference at home) and because I thought it was an amazing opportunity. Truth is I went to the job in a part time position and very soon that wasn’t a reality and I began to resent that. I began to realise that I could not work in that job and be the mother and wife that I wanted to be. All work places are not created equal. Even if you want to believe they are – for all the talk in the world about family work balance I didn’t have any.
My husband was ultra supportive when I was drowning at work. He couldn’t have been more understanding and helpful in fact, he picked up a lot of the slack helping out at home and with Little Pencil whenever and however he could. It’s all very well to say “of course he should after all he’s his father” but the thing is he was in a career that we both had agreed was important not just for him but for the family. His helping out at home impacted his work A LOT. The balance was completely out of kilter.
And the worst part is that every person in my little family was affected. And two years later it somehow feels safer to say all this in the light of all the publicity about Annabelle Crabbe’s book The Wife Drought
“It’s a common joke among women juggling work and family. But it’s not actually a joke. Having a spouse who takes care of things at home is a Godsend on the domestic front. It’s a potent economic asset on the work front. And it’s an advantage enjoyed – even in our modern society – by vastly more men than women. “
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In our family we had made the decision. I wanted to be a mother more than anything else, I wanted to work as well, but I wanted to be a hands on mother and a wife, not because I’m a woman but because it’s what I wanted. I did not want to pay a wife to be the mother to my child, I wanted to be that person.
Feminism should mean that I get to make that choice, that I have the choice. I should be able to say I want to be the wife and mother and there is nothing about that which shames me. You want to be an astronaut? An engineer? A retail assistant? A ferris wheel operator? Good for you. I want to be a mum..
I honestly cannot imagine lying on my death bed and being happy I never got to spend time watching my son play soccer in the afternoon because I was in a very important meeting discussing Beyonce’s hair colour.
I feel like I’ve come a long way professionally and emotionally to be able to say no to full time work and yes to my family. I can do both – but just not at the same time. I’m too busy making sure there is no wife drought at my house.
I’m the wife in my family… my husband is away a lot and I’ve always been the one at home, holding the family and home… it has been easier in a way since we have a child with special needs and I knew he absolutely needed me when he was little (and we absolutely needed the larger salary my husband could earn.)
But I’ve always loved to work too, I’ve NEEDED to for my brain… and it’s hard to find the balance between a bit of work to keep sane and happy… the needs of the kids… not feeling as if it’s working well at all at the moment… and… menopausal… I want to do more work…. ranting recently about the FIFO lifestyle was very helpful, got lots of my chest! Anyway, I’m glad you are finding your balance… I worked like a dog before I had kids and loved most of it and I’m sure I will work really hard again… two of ours are teenagers and the twins will grow up all too soon too.
Big topics!
I loved my work before I had my son, but I was a very different person then (certainly less tired 😉 )
That day will come again – for both of us xx
Lana, I love and agree with what you’ve just written. I remember staying home and being on a single income while my kids were young, then moved on to part-time work while they were at school and only went back to full-time work once they were mid-teens. At all times, I made sure that I was doing what I felt was right for me and the family. There is no right or wrong with raising children, if you want to work full-time, great. If you want to stay at home, great. If you want to work part-time, great.
As for Annabelle Crabbe – I just love everything she writes. And when I found out that she loves radishes, I knew we were soul sisters! I would just love to meet her one day. Maybe the three of us could go out for a coffee??!!!
I would be far too intimidated to meet you for coffee. Or Anabelle 😉
I love this. Especially what you said about ‘choice’. I really do get a bee in my bonnet about the inequalities between genders.
Thanks Kez xxx
Such a refreshing outlook on an over-debated, over-judged topic. I’m personally ‘over’ the feminism debate. It has become about women looking down on women who don’t make the feminist choice. What ever happened to feminism being about the equality of having a choice. Now, simply having a choice is seen as a cop out, and women should be forging ahead in every direction, and if they don’t, they are seen as copping out and anti-feminist.
I’m with you, feminism is about women having freedom of choice and bloody hell being able to choose whatever they want. Including names, careers, dreams and desires.
I’m with you Jodi, over it – just happy to be doing what I am doing xx
I’m always reminded of my mum’s words when I was contemplating going back to corporate life when my first was a bubba. “How will you make this work? SOMEONE has to mind the children…” x
I consider that SOMEONE to be very lucky 🙂 xx
Yes!! Totally what I’ve been trying to articulate for years
“Feminism should mean that I get to make that choice, that I have the choice. I should be able to say I want to be the wife and mother and there is nothing about that which shames me. You want to be an astronaut? An engineer? A retail assistant? A ferris wheel operator? Good for you. I want to be a mum..”
Precisely it is all about choices and we should be able to make whatever choice, that was what I thought the movement should be all about
Great article, Lana. You would never have been given the freedom to post this at another site, that shall remain nameless.
I have great reservations that I shall ever see such an article posted on that site.
When it comes to gender equality issues it will be you that I turn to and I shall recommend that my male friends do the same. Equality is freedom to choose, free of derision.