“I want this place looking like Disney on Ice”

I am that person you mock, the clean freak (with respect to vegetable growers and Michelle Bridges) who is checking over my shoulder as I open the front door to invite you in, the woman you never want to invite into your own home after you have seen me complaining about the mess in my (very neat) home.

I know it’s a problem for some, but I just can’t help being a bit fastidious about cleanliness.

I haven’t been for any form of therapy for my particularly tidy ways around the house (although I am keen to get to the bottom of why everyone doesn’t behave like I do) but I do know that my issue with cleanliness is based on having a sense of order around me. Ordered house, ordered head. Mr Pencil will be quick to point out that apparently I don’t need an ordered head to drive a car. Let’s just say the cleanliness obsession stops at the front door.

But the space that I command behind the front door is NEAT. Magazine worthy, if magazines were to feature ordinary tidy homes with no particular style other than clean.

I cannot go to sleep at night if there are clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink or papers not sorted and filed. Cupboards and drawers must be fully closed. I cannot leave the house if the beds are unmade or if there are any traces of breakfast in the house other than on the corners of my mouth. Laundry is always packed away (after it is ironed) and cushions are always puffed just so. I have been known to rearrange fruit in the bowl so that it looks well, tidier.

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It’s not something that I ever give too much thought, I am too busy lining my scented candles into parallel lines but, if I had to think about how it makes me seem to the outside world, I would just assume they would think I am well organised. But then I watched this video, the newest offering from comedian YouTuber Chris Fleming of his character Gayle Waters-Waters freaking out about a clean house and I sensed an eerie familiarity. I began to realise that people like me can come across a bit hysterical.

While I have never insisted on having my place looking like a new Mediterranean fusions restaurant or having the toilet as clean as one of those chairs from The Men in Black Headquarters and I have never visualised my scatter cushions as microwavable popcorn bags three minutes deep, it is only because I have never thought of such brilliant analogies.

Now if you will just excuse me I need to go make my house look like Disney on Ice. The cleaning lady is on the way and I would hate to have her see my house not looking spotless, she can’t know we actually sit on the chairs.

Are you a clean freak or do you live in a mess?