How not to talk to strangers at parties

The other day I went to a function where I knew no one other than the host. This doesn’t happen to me very often, not because I know so many people, but because I say no to going out a lot. I am an introvert in real life, not just an introvert but a shy introvert who is not a fan of small talk, deep talk or strangers.*

Anyway off I went to this function because it was my friend’s birthday and although I don’t really know any of her other friends I love her enough to make up for that.

As luck would have it she had really awesome friends which should not have been a surprise but anxiety can toy with your head and I was Anxious.

Now I would love to tell you that I learned a great lesson from going to a party with people I didn’t know and that as I stepped into the warm embrace of my friend Jo and her friends all the stress evaporated and I mixed with ease and confidence. But I didn’t.

Instead the anxiety manifested in all sorts of ways like when I was talking to a woman I really liked and possibly subconsciously okay consciously wanted to impress. A fruit tray was being passed around and when she took some fruit I decided that I should too. It looked awesome and I was hungry. But she had a plate so she was able to put some fruit on it and then delicately pick up the bits to eat them while we chatted. I just had hands so I grabbed half a passion fruit and sucked out the pips, which would have looked very fancy – I mean who needs a plate or even a spoon? Do you know what happens when you shove half a passion fruit down your mouth when your anxiety is playing around at throat level? You choke.

Clearly I could not choke in a room full of strangers so I pretended that it wasn’t happening. Air was in short supply and I was doing those spluttery coughs trying to pretend I had a mild tickle in my throat. The lovely lady asked if I was okay because my purple face and splutters must have given something away. I tried to answer her but it’s hard to use your voice when you are choking. “Fine” I cough spluttered with a hoarse and unintelligible voice and proceeded to cough down my passion fruit pip thus ending the conversation.

Truth be told I was already mortified before the choking incident because my anxiety had already popped out. When she had asked me what I write about I answered “parenting”. WTF? Parenting? I told a woman who works in social justice that all I do is write about parenting. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but it’s not what I do.

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Jo works with a well-known woman, a celebrity of sorts who I have spoken to on the phone (ages ago) and on social media but never face to face. And so I sat down to talk to her and immediately started doing something that I hate. It’s my worst thing when people do this to me but some how every time she said anything I turned it around and made it about me. Now you have to know this is NOT ME. This is not the kind of thing that I do. I am a listener. I am not a talker. I am a writer and I am opinionated but I am not a talker. Especially in front of people I don’t know. I am also not an oversharer.

But there I was sharing stuff that was of no interest to anyone else. She would say she had xyz for breakfast and I suddenly found myself telling her what my son eats for breakfast. I don’t even care why should all the people around me have to know? And the worst thing was that my inner me was shouting at the babbling me and telling her to shut up. But on I went regaling her and the people sitting around us with self important egoist talk. It was awful.

Her phone rang at some point, I am sure I saw her jump with glee at an out, and when she went to take the call I realised that I was running late for my son’s soccer match and I had to leave so I left without saying goodbye to her which made me feel extra doubly rude.

I did say goodbye to the other lovely people and really it was a great party with no thanks to me.

I got home and I was so exhausted from talking to strangers that I fell into a heap on my bed and missed the soccer match anyway. This was not necessarily a bad thing – it’s a new team and I don’t know a lot of the parents.

*This makes me sound quite awful – I promise I am not.

PS Another woman I do know did arrive at the party and she was/is lovely even though she complimented me on my make up so I looked in the mirror and it was obviously post choke and I had mascara all over my face.