Yesterday I saw an absolutely terrible contract that was supposedly written by an 8th grader to her boyfriend. It was a contract that I have seen described as “cute” “hilarious” and “the best thing ever” in various media outlets.
I describe it as frightening, harrowing and indicative of some real problems. Hopefully soon I will see it being described as fake.
Found on the floor after class in a middle school: a relationship contract between 8th graders. (He signed it) pic.twitter.com/SPmDjNdjVi
— max linsky (@maxlinsky) June 10, 2016
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Even while trying to cling on to the belief that this is fake I can’t help feeling mortified that anybody would write this (even as a joke) in 2016. It’s not the hoes that get me, I have a 15-year-old son so the word hoes literally slides off my ears. It’s teen speak, his mates use it like we use the word guys, well most of us just not David Morrison.
It’s the ownership that gets me, the belief that a young woman has the right to tell a man how he should behave. It’s the threat of violence if he breaks her heart and it’s the whole idea that anybody in a relationship should have to adhere to a strict set of rules made by only one person in that union. There is no doubt that if a boy had written this list we would be pointing out the beginning signs of domestic abuse.
It was so clear to me that this contract could serve as a great starting point for any conversation with kids about expectations in a relationship and what you should or shouldn’t have to put up with.
But then I came across a post in Cosmopolitan that decided to take on the conversation itself. Normally I like to find a conversation about something going viral on the web so that I can forward it to my son and grab his interest from the viral side while I get him to learn some important life lessons from the ideas written around it. It gives us an opportunity to maybe touch on some of these things in a non confronting way because it’s cool (viral) and interesting (not his mother’s boring old opinion).
But here’s what Hannah Smothers of Cosmopolitan had to say
“I have already printed a copy of this contract out (several copies, if I’m being honest) so I can hand it out to all my future boyfriends. I can’t think of anything on this contract I disagree with? Also, excellent legal foresight to make your boyfriend sign something that requires him to be good and not bad …”
She then goes on to say
“Just add this relationship contract to the already sky-high mountain of evidence that teen girls have it incredibly together, much more than we give them credit for, and are actual geniuses who we should all be listening to every day. Let teen girls run the country, the world, just all of it. And definitely let them teach you a thing or two about how to talk to boys.’
And I have to admit I am baffled. Is her writing satire or does she actually encourage this kind of behaviour in her readers? It’s a fast absorbing, searching-for-answers type of group that reads Cosmo.
I proudly consider myself a feminist and as the mother of a son I know the importance of teaching him respect, of teaching him parity in a relationship and not to ever resort to threat or demand. Teaching either gender to dominate the other with a set of rules goes against any kind of equality I know of.
If we turn the dial too far and tell women it’s okay to own their men and tell them how they should behave it’s not just men who will suffer. My friend Kerri Sackville, mother of two daughters (and one son) expressed outrage at the contract too – but from a different angle. According to Kerri, if we tell women it’s okay to behave like this we are not teaching them the importance of resilience, we also aren’t teaching them that they don’t need a relationship to fulfill them and they certainly don’t need to hold on to a man at all costs
All I can really hope for is that this piece in Cosmo is satire and we are all teaching our children better than this without outdated internet advice.
Reading that ‘contract’ just made me feel sad…there is nothing empowering or feminist about it at all. Any time one gender resorts to threats and intimidation over another – particularly when it is supposed to be in the context of a loving, personal relationship – is a power trip. And while an 8th grade boy might submit for a while, because he has no idea what else to do, that same boy at 16 or 18 or 25 is just as likely to turn around and be very angry that he has been played. And that kind of male anger, born of resentment, can be very dangerous.
As for Hannah Smothers of Cosmopolitan, what planet is she on? If her response is satire then she’s terrible at it, if it is genuine admiration then she is deluded.