How I lost my fear of flying

Right now I am sitting on a flight to Los Angeles and I am not at all nervous. Not a bit.  In fact I’m really relaxed.  I have the sounds of Angus and Julia Stone playing in my ears, I have my son and my husband at my side and I have the words of Rebecca Sparrow in my head.

All my life I have been a bit scared and although I have had my fair share of therapy (and probably your fair share too) nothing has really stuck.  The way that I have dealt with my anxiety is too prepare for the worst.

When I wrote exams I prepared myself for failure, I imagined how I would deal with failing, how I would break it to my family and what I would do the following year. I imagined that if I dealt with it in my head first it would be easier to deal with if and when it happened. It never did.

When I lost something I told myself I would never find it – that way I was prepared if I never did.

When somebody told me that they loved me I never believed them. Still find it very hard.

When I flew I prepared myself to be hijacked. I anticipated the crash and I consoled myself that at least I would now what to do and how to handle it because I had lived the situation so many times in my head

So how come I am so relaxed on this epic flight to LA? How come after I have read The Secret and been to therapy and devoured self help books and hypnosis and huge amounts of medication I am feeling at ease now?

I think Rebecca Sparrow can take the credit.  Her genius words, her nurturing manner and the beautiful way she dispenses her wisdom.

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When she first mentioned keeping a diary of gratitude I thought she was being a little hippy/new age and er, odd. But I saw how centred she was and how light literally shone from within her. Because every day she chooses to think  of the things that she is grateful for, she doesn’t focus on the negative.

I thought about it a lot, but I never acted on it.  Then last night as I was panicking about my flight Bec sent a message to one of my colleagues who is writing an exam today. She wrote:

“Before you go in, visualise yourself feeling like you know the answers. And being able to recall all the stuff you’ve read and learnt. “

And I don’t why but it just spoke to me.

I could make the choice and it could be a positive one, I didn’t have to think about the worst case scenario. It wasn’t selfish or scary to imagine the best possible outcomes.  So I imagined us landing at LAX safe, happy and excited, I focused on the laughter, the joy we are going to share. Why not live the good stuff twice instead of the bad stuff once just in case?  (I also chose not to think about Nat’s exam at all)

Now I just have to perfect this technique and use it in my everyday.

Thank you Rebecca

It’s 10 years later…

When Little Pencil was born I was worried.  I know it’s hard to believe.

He was tiny, just over a kilo in weight and under 30cm stretched our from his ridiculously tiny almost transparent toes to his perfect little head. A head that fitted into the palm of my hand.

He had a hard time of staying with us. He was ventilated, he was kept alive by machines and medicines. The first thing that passed his lips was medication. The first hands that held him were doctor’s hands. No soft surrounds and calm, relaxing environment but bright lights, surgical implements, machines and invasive testing.

I worried about his health, I worried that he would not make it.

But he was a strong, little boy and the care he received cannot be praised highly enough.  The doctors, the nurses, the surgeons and the specialists – they talked us through it as they worked so hard on him and they fought with him to ensure he survived. And thrived.

But each week at the hospital as the radiologist wheeled in her equipment to do his routine brain scans I panicked from deep inside. I knew that our beautiful child was going to be okay, I knew that he was going to come home with us as soon as he was big enough but everything I read led me to believe that my little boy would always struggle.  He would have difficulty learning, he would always be slightly behind his peers as he tried to make up for the fact that he came into our lives 10 weeks early .
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I googled like a mad woman, looking to find different outcomes and answers for my son.  But I only came across the same information time and time again. Same messages, sometimes different words

Studies have also shown that learning and development problems occur more often in children who were born prematurely. Health professionals and teachers should monitor your child’s development in the early years, and arrange extra help if it is needed.

It is 10 years later.  I have just received a letter that reads in part

It is my pleasure to offer Ethan a position in the 2012 Year 5 Opportunity Class

The Opportunity Class, according to the school’s website “offers gifted children the ability to work with like minded ability peers to provide them with challenges to reach their full potential. Students apply for the OC class and are assessed on general ability, English and Mathematics skills “.

My tiny little baby who struggled so hard is a 10 year old boy with the biggest smile, the kindest heart and a gifted brain.

I am deliriously proud, ecstatically happy. And not a bit worried.

Ooops I just bought the supermarket

My son is going on camp next week. It is school camp and so it’s non negotiable  – he has to go and quite frankly he is out of his mind excited.  Wouldn’t you be if you got to spend 5 full days surrounded by your friends 24/7? No? Me Neither.

The school has given us a list of things that the children need to pack. It includes necessities such as underpants, clothes, toiletries and a torch. I have interpreted the list with the fervor only the highly consumerist mother of one child who is determined to spoil her child at all costs can muster.

In fact today when I went shopping I found myself buying three torches – the first was a regular type to brandish about at night and I’m assuming this is the only torch he’ll need, but I got carried away with the huge array of illuminating products on offer.

I very nearly bought him a soft LED light that I imagined he could plug into the wall of the dormitory if he got scared at night but then I realised that he sleeps in the total dark at home and he is not anxious about sleeping away at camp – that’s just me and him having a night light isn’t going to help that.

I did however buy him a little book light that he can sneak into his bed so that he can read after lights out and be exhausted and horrible the next day after not getting enough sleep.  I also couldn’t resist the tiny light contraption that he can wear on his head just in case, you know, he feels the need to go mining while he is on camp.

The official camp list also said that the children were required to bring “toiletries”. Now my son is not that into toiletries.  If by “not into” you mean that I have to force him to use soap in the shower by threatening him with x-box deprivation. But that didn’t stop me. No siree. Have you seen the travel range of toiletries that they make these days? How could I not buy him the world’s smallest bar of soap?

As I put the world’s smallest bar of soap into the trolley I  noticed the world’s smallest bodywash and deodorant. And breath freshener. And hand cream. And make up remover. He’s 10 he does not need deodorant, breath freshener, hand cream or make up remover but I might.
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By mistake I also bought him a new book to read while he is away and a new pair of shorts and a couple of t-shirts and some very thin chocolates that I am going to sneak into the lining of his suitcase like drugs because you are not allowed to take food to camp.  (In case you need to know Lindt is the thinnest chocolate they stock at my local supermarket –  it is also the most expensive)

I came home from the shop with my bags overflowing with camp supplies.  I eagerly showed Little Pencil the wonderful array of lighting products. He looked at me like I had gone completely mad. “I have a torch from last year,” he said.

Clearly we don’t deal with stress the same way, I thought that new things would settle anyone’s nerves.

Then it dawned on me that Little Pencil is not nervous at all, he is not stressed, he’s excited. Thrilled to be going away with his friends for a week while I stay at home and play with torches and miniature sized toiletries.

And I can’t help feeling that even if I am spoiling him terribly by trying to buy him all manner of things and even if I am not teaching him by example and indulging in needless shopping and consumerism, I must have done something right as a mother.

He is ready for a 5 day camp and I am almost ready to let him go.

The smallest detail

My husband has a strange obsession with the weather. Not the actual outdoor weather but the weather online, he loves to check the weather on the computer – I think the Bureau of Meteorology is his firm favourite but it is certainly not his only source.  He has also  tuned our Foxtel Weather Channel (yes there is such a thing) to our suburb so that we get accurate weather report for the conditions just above our heads.

This obsession with weather watching has caused a fair few minor arguments for instance there was the time that he was going to sand the deck.  In order to sand the deck you need pristine weather conditions. Every day I would look up at the very blue sky and suggest today might be a good day. Mr Pencil would retreat indoors check the weather online and say “sorry no can do today, there is rain forecast”

“But it is 32 degreees and there is not a single cloud in the sky” I would protest.

“NO, the Bureau of Meteorology says that it may rain”

And on this went for weeks until it did eventually rain because if you wait long enough it will always rain.

Our deck remained unsanded.

He has cancelled outings, rearranged holidays and planned parties according to  conditions that he has read on some weather chart. I often laugh at him while pointing to the sky or the fact that we can go outside and actually FEEL the temperature.

And then last week I woke up really early. I was getting ready to take the dog for a walk and as I reached for my jumper I thought I would check the weather on my phone. I am still unsure why I felt this urge.  Really, it is not something I have ever done before in the morning and I always wake up early to take the dog for a walk.  Maybe after 20  years of marriage my husband had rubbed off on me as I slept. I checked the weather and it said 27 degrees.
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I was a bit sad that I could not wear the jumper I had planned on and I did think for a second how strange it was that winter was over so quickly and I hadn’t worn that jumper nearly enough.

I went for a walk and froze but reckoned that it was early and we would reach 27 later in the day.

When my son couldn’t locate his jumper I told him not to worry – surely he would not need his jumper on such a warm day.

At lunchtime when I left the office to get some food from across the road I commented on the fact that it was raining and freezing. I felt icy inside and out (the memory of me telling my son not to bother taking a jumper was making even my soul freeze) .

How could this online weather have got it SO wrong? Seriously it was freezing cold and teeming with rain. The phone had clearly said it would be clear and sunny. 27 degrees it had promised.

I checked again. Indeed it was 27 degrees in Los Angeles.  In Sydney however it was 11 and raining both in real life and on my phone.

Pity I had forgotten to check  that tiny detail called location.

Just a boy

I think I may be too soft, maybe just over sensitive. Maybe I just don’t know much about parenting boys (although I should point out at this stage that I know less about parenting girls.)

You see my son is turning out to be a typical boy, or so my husband keeps assuring me, and I am not finding this all that easy to deal with

  • He is more and more reluctant to bath
  • He seems to be physically attached to a ball. Always. Even whilst brushing his teeth.  The type of ball may change but the attachment never waivers
  • He cannot understand the simple term “no soccer inside the house”
  • He is obsessed with wrestling and can recite the name of every wrestler ever to put his foot near a ring
  • He loves a screen, be it computer, TV, phone or portable playing device
  • He likes to shoot.  Yes. Shoot. With guns.  While he has no access (thank you God) to a real gun he will aim and shoot anything at anyone. First person shooter games are like his crack
  • He loves to fight – not verbally and not with anger or malice but with hands, feet, legs, strength and frequency
  • He wants to read books that involve detectives, shooting, espionage, robbery, fighting, war, science fiction and possibly horror
  • He would rather be playing with his friends than , er anything.  Seriously – anything. If he could be shooting at a wrestling match with his friends he may as well be in boy heaven

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Given that I visibly gag when I even think of something violent and that I can think of no better way to pass the time than lying on a soft, warm bed drinking tea and reading a book while scented candles fill the air with a warm aroma this is a huge quantum leap for me.  Huge.

And it’s all come as a bit of a shock – he was always such a peaceful child and to the outside observer he still is.  He’s small, petite and almost angelic – until he draws a pretend gun and shoots in the heart or gets you in a headlock and threatens to elbow your face while reciting The Life and Times of Hulk Hogan.

Delightful. I can’t stand it.

But my husband? He seems to just get it

They can talk for hours about calibres of guns (I am horrified by how much Mr Pencil knows), they can disappear to the park with litres of coke and rolls of Mentos to make explosions coming home sopping and sticky, they can wrestle “pro” style on the trampoline until Mr Pencil retires bruised and spent and they can play first person shooter games on the x-box till, well till I threaten to pull the plug out of the wall.

And I see it when he plays with his friends, their play is nor much different. It is clear to me that 10 year old boys are not averse to playing with a little bit, okay a lot, of testosterone injected into their games.

I watch with horror and I try and tell Mr Pencil to be more encouraging of passive pursuits – I worry about the violent games, the shooting, the destruction.   Can’t he be more more interested in I don’t know, painting or marble collecting or playing the clarinet. Okay not the clarinet but painting could be fun.

But Mr Pencil has just one line for me and he repeats it all the time “he’s a 10 year old boy, it’s normal”

And while I try to point out that he’s actually 43 he pretends he can’t hear me above the sound of the x-box.

I’d rather be home

There are some people who love the city. I’m not one if then. I’m not sure why I didn’t think about this today when I toddled off to the city for some retail therapy.

I was quite excited to have a morning to myself. Delighted in fact. I thought I would go to the city and suddenly I’d be transformed into the Westfield poster girl. I’d be tall and thin with legs stretched by the most adept photoshopper and I’d stride purposefully through the shops designer bags swinging by my sides. Yes. I am an advertisers wet dream.

I drove there. First mistake. I think that the Westfield poster girl gets dropped at the centre by a driver who actually knows the way there. I, on the other hand, got myself to somewhere in the vicinity of the parking stopped halfway through an intersection and phoned my husband to ask for his help. The conversation was very difficult, not only because he was having his hair cut at the time but also because I was trying to slide down the seat and pretend that my huge 4 wheel drive was not nestled amongst the pedestrians on George street.

Eventually I found the parking and had to spiral down to the centre of the earth to find an actual spot. I retained my cool. If cool means a hand clenched on the steering wheel and rising panic expressed as hiccups.

My second mistake was to go to the city on a very busy Saturday morning when the rest of Sydney had made the same decision. I realised as I battled my through a horde of spectators who were watching a busker play air guitar really badly that I don’t particularly like people en masse. I mean I like my friends and my family (most of them anyway) and I even meet strangers that I don’t recoil from. But in crowds, I do not like them.

My intention was to go to Zara. This was my third mistake. I expected Zara to be an elegant shopping mecca where all the clothes would not only suit me, but fit me perfectly and fall within my budget. I expected to come out of there overflowing with shopping bags a la Westfield model. Instead I came out clutching my chest and looking for air. There was no air – just throngs of people watching buskers.

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As I walked away from Zara dazed, confused and with not a single dollar spent I made my way to find the Metalicus store only to find that Westfield have come up with a brilliant new shopping directory, they only show you the names of the three most popular shops on their information board. Needless to say Metalicus is not one of their most popular shops. The reason it is not one of the most popular shops may well be because it is hidden very well. But I found it. I also found that the staff in the shop did not want to sell me anything. I think it may be because they like their merchandise so much they don’t want to part with it. But I soldiered on and found myself a tank top that I loved. It looked vaguely familiar but I thought that was just because I had imagined in my mind’s eye the perfect top to wear under almost anything and now I had manifested it in my head.

I went to the change room to try it on and it was only there that I realised the top that I was taking off to try on the new one was in fact the exact same garment as the one in my hand! I blushed, thanked my lucky stars that no-one had made eye contact with me and left.

I battled my way through more people, lots of prams, loud people urging me to sign petitions, small children crying, noisy people shopping, messy people eating, lonely people reading, angry people fighting, greedy people shoving.

What felt like 5 long days later (but was in fact only just over an hour) I returned to my car, paid the equivalent of a day’s salary to get out of the parking and drove around the city for ages looking for the way home.

There really is no place like home. Everything is where it’s meant to be, there are only three people there most of the time, the pace is a whole lot more manageable, the air is easier to breathe and while I know that I can’t be the Westfield model I can still shop online.

A letter to my old life (when I was an axe)

My husband sometime lovingly refers to me as “his grandfather’s axe”.  The first couple of times that he did this I thought he was rather insane, perhaps a little delusional after all I I know I’m sharp but I always thought I was more pencil than axe.

But the thing is I wasn’t always a pencil and the story of the grandfather’s axe is quite beautiful

There was a man who inherited an axe from his father – he loved the axe dearly (as he had loved his father) and he looked after the axe lovingly and with care but time passed and the blade started to lose its keen edge and then little chinks appeared on the edge of the blade.  So the man had the blade replaced and continued to cherish his father’s beautiful axe.

When this man died he left his prized axe to his son who cared for the axe just as carefully as his father had but the axe was old and the handle  eventually broke, so the son replaced the handle and continued to cherish his father’s beautiful axe.

And when he died he passed on his grandfather’s axe to his son… but was it even the same axe? In essence no – no part of it was the grandfather’s “actual” axe but in spirit is was the very same axe his grandfather had loved.

So I am Mr Pencil’s axe – a rather different person to the one that I was when we married which is understandable really given that we have been married like forever.  But I have really changed and I am lucky enough to see it and appreciate it.

The life I am living now is eons away from the lives I have led previously and I don’t say that in an esoteric, “I have been reincarnated” kind of way I mean simply that the day to day of my life is as completely different from how it was 20 years ago or even 2 years ago.

These lives that I refer to aren’t even the childhood versions of me – it is the adult me who has had her handle chopped off and her blade replaced.  Not just once.

So I am taking this opportunity to write to my old life …just the one before this one

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I know that you come and read my blog from time to time and as I am not sure where else to find you hanging around these days, I though I’d write you a letter. As you do.

You see Old Life, I’ve been dying to tell you what’s been going on although I am sure you wont believe it.  I also want you to know that it got better.  A lot better.  And aside from a few of the lessons that you taught me I don’t miss you a lot.  In fact I don’t think that I miss you at all.

You know I work in the most amazing job don’t you? I get to be creative and I get to write and I work with the most awesome people Every. Single. Day. You remember that girl crush I had on Mia Freedman ? – ha, I get to see her every day and not only do I work with her, but I count her as a good friend.  Bet you never thought that would happen. In fact I can see you screwing up your face in disbelief.

And I laugh at that. In fact I laugh a lot, just in general.

I remember sitting with you and trying to find the perfect job, writing lists of wishes and dreams and pros and cons.  Chasing the very wrong people to try and find validation in work that would never fulfill me.  That ultimately would not validate me.  And I remember you telling  me that I should stick with that job, that it was going to be the only one I could do.

You remember that commitment issue I had and how the thought of having to be somewhere every day would kill me?  I laugh at that too.  In fact until I had to tell you about it, I hadn’t given it any thought. I don’t sit at home so much anymore.

You know how you once tried to make me believe that what we had was as good as it got? That things were infinitely better than the other lives that came before you? You were right – they were way better then they were before, but not nearly as good as they are now.

And I couldn’t be happier

How was your mental health at age 3?

I don’t know a lot about the 2011 budget for Australia, I don’t profess to. But I did listen with interest to their plans for mental health. And frankly, I am baffled by some of it.  Genuinely baffled.  Not in a narky “I hate the budget” kind of way, more in a “please explain this nonsensical allocation of funds” kind of way.

I am not actually across the inner working of the Australia mental health system but I do know someone who needs it to be improved.

In fact I know that all Australians need a better mental health system – a system that can look after the people who suffer from mental illness, those people lost, scared, alone and with no hope of a stable future because there are no long term facilities and care is patchy and under resourced.

I know that the people of Australia need a mental health system that can accommodate their illness, that can ensure there are case workers that have the time and resources to follow through with their patients. I know that we need beds in hospitals in times of crisis.  I know Australia needs a system where there are social workers and support people, and places of safety for people with mental illness to go for care, counselling, medication and understanding.  Company even.

I know that Australia need a mental health system that will support those people that are trying their hardest to support the mentally ill – the families, the support people, the carers.

I also know that early intervention is important. I know that the thousands of homeless people roaming the streets of Sydney may have been saved that fate had they had early intervention and a clear shot at effective medication, counseling and life skills that could help them maintain a job and their place in society.

I don’t know about allocating a huge portion of the budget to mental health to intervention at 3 years of age.
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Think about every single person you know that suffers from some sort of mental illness – be it depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, anorexia.  Think about those people suffering from anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress, panic attacks and paranoia. Think about the people suffering from alzheimers and those who suffer psychosis.

And if you had a chance to ask their families or their pre-school teachers what they were like at 3 years of age ? Do you think all these mental illnesses could have been staved off had they had early intervention at age 3? Would these conditions even have shown their frightening path of devastation at 3 years old?

I genuinely don’t get this decision.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3uFUzCkq7E&w=640&h=390]

If you’ve watched that interview and can shed some light – I would love to know.

I just don’t get it

Thank God I have finished school

My son ran the cross country today and I am exhausted.

I rushed to the field to watch him run, I didn’t want to be late (he’s prone to tears of insecurity although why I have no clue – there is really no reason to be insecure when your mother tells you she loves you 190 times a day and when she never ever misses a thing and still lies in bed with you every night even though you are ten – but I think that may be a post for another day)

As I was saying before I let you in on all my super magic mothering skills , I rushed from the office to the park with plenty of time to spare.  I left the city feeling on top of things. I love my job (I think I may have mentioned that once or a hundred times.)  I feel like I am in great place work wise (actually better than I could have dreamed for myself) and I adore the people I work with.

As I pulled up and started to walk over to the other mums who had gathered to watch the kids run my work veneer started to fall off.   I felt all wrong – my jacket was hot, my shoes were too high, my scarf too flouncy,  my pants too high, my top too tight.  I felt a little lost.  I am quite sure it wasn’t the park air – more the air of a hundred mother’s watching their kids and for some reason intimidating the hell out of me.

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It’s a funny thing about school functions even if they are held at the Duck Pond in the park.  They make me feel 12.  They make me feel awkward and anxious and vulnerable.  I forget that it’s my son’s school and not mine.  I forget that I have already made my friends and finished with the school yard shit.  I forget that I have a husband and a fulfilling career and great friends (some of whom even helped me get through the sports carnival today).

God I am glad that I have finished school. I only wish Little Pencil would finish too.

PS Little Pencil came 7th in his race –that briefly cheered me up

It was a hard week

I knew last week was going to be hard

Mamamia 3.0 had just gone live and there was lot of behind the scenes scurrying and hard work involved.  I hadn’t had much sleep because of said site going live and my extreme control freakishness.

It was still school holidays and although I had Little Pencil booked into a camp that he was thrilled about going to there was a lot of juggling required to get him there on time and of course to make sure he got home.

There was going to be two nights of Passover.  While we are not religious at all (and that is a post for another day) we are traditional so we were having two nights of HUGE dinners with insane amounts of people.  I was having the second night at my house, there were more than 20 people coming for dinner and I was working that day. 

So I organized myself.  Lifts were arranged for Little Pencil, work was on track and I was going to spend the whole weekend shopping, cooking and preparing so that I could come home from work on Tuesday and seamlessly entertain 23  people for dinner.

And then on Friday afternoon the phone rang and all my plans were rx sildenafil Loss of desire- Desire is all about the money, not the music. viagra australia no prescription Thus, one can use these capsules to increase secretion of testosterone and maintain youthful energy. The medicine is produced by the popular company Ajanta buy generic levitra http://davidfraymusic.com/buy-5260 Pharma Ltd. It can also buy viagra be appropriate for men who have had radiotherapy or chemotherapy or in whom testes have been removed due to cancer/other disease.5. thrown in the air and scattered amongst our tears.

My mother-in-law’s partner, a gentle and wonderful man who had been partner to my mother in law for ten very happy years died suddenly. He was 89.

Saturday was spent at my mother-in-law, consoling her, preparing tea and cake for the hundreds of people who came through her door to pay their respects.  I  momentarily thought about how I was going to manage catering for 23 people on the Tuesday night but it was not top of mind.  And when it worried me I thought I would cook on Sunday.

On Saturday night the phone rang again.  My friend’s mother had ended a hideous struggle with a devastating disease.

So I never got to cook much, I never got to go to work much either but I spent time with my family. I sat with my friend whose mother had died and I didn’t worry about how I was going to organize everything.

It was a sad week. A hard week.  A week that taught me that at the end of the day it’s not work or dinner parties or school holiday activities that are important.  It’s family and good friends – they make the difference between  life and death.