My husband sometime lovingly refers to me as “his grandfather’s axe”. The first couple of times that he did this I thought he was rather insane, perhaps a little delusional after all I I know I’m sharp but I always thought I was more pencil than axe.
But the thing is I wasn’t always a pencil and the story of the grandfather’s axe is quite beautiful
There was a man who inherited an axe from his father – he loved the axe dearly (as he had loved his father) and he looked after the axe lovingly and with care but time passed and the blade started to lose its keen edge and then little chinks appeared on the edge of the blade. So the man had the blade replaced and continued to cherish his father’s beautiful axe.
When this man died he left his prized axe to his son who cared for the axe just as carefully as his father had but the axe was old and the handle eventually broke, so the son replaced the handle and continued to cherish his father’s beautiful axe.
And when he died he passed on his grandfather’s axe to his son… but was it even the same axe? In essence no – no part of it was the grandfather’s “actual” axe but in spirit is was the very same axe his grandfather had loved.
So I am Mr Pencil’s axe – a rather different person to the one that I was when we married which is understandable really given that we have been married like forever. But I have really changed and I am lucky enough to see it and appreciate it.
The life I am living now is eons away from the lives I have led previously and I don’t say that in an esoteric, “I have been reincarnated” kind of way I mean simply that the day to day of my life is as completely different from how it was 20 years ago or even 2 years ago.
These lives that I refer to aren’t even the childhood versions of me – it is the adult me who has had her handle chopped off and her blade replaced. Not just once.
So I am taking this opportunity to write to my old life …just the one before this one
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I know that you come and read my blog from time to time and as I am not sure where else to find you hanging around these days, I though I’d write you a letter. As you do.
You see Old Life, I’ve been dying to tell you what’s been going on although I am sure you wont believe it. I also want you to know that it got better. A lot better. And aside from a few of the lessons that you taught me I don’t miss you a lot. In fact I don’t think that I miss you at all.
You know I work in the most amazing job don’t you? I get to be creative and I get to write and I work with the most awesome people Every. Single. Day. You remember that girl crush I had on Mia Freedman ? – ha, I get to see her every day and not only do I work with her, but I count her as a good friend. Bet you never thought that would happen. In fact I can see you screwing up your face in disbelief.
And I laugh at that. In fact I laugh a lot, just in general.
I remember sitting with you and trying to find the perfect job, writing lists of wishes and dreams and pros and cons. Chasing the very wrong people to try and find validation in work that would never fulfill me. That ultimately would not validate me. And I remember you telling me that I should stick with that job, that it was going to be the only one I could do.
You remember that commitment issue I had and how the thought of having to be somewhere every day would kill me? I laugh at that too. In fact until I had to tell you about it, I hadn’t given it any thought. I don’t sit at home so much anymore.
You know how you once tried to make me believe that what we had was as good as it got? That things were infinitely better than the other lives that came before you? You were right – they were way better then they were before, but not nearly as good as they are now.
And I couldn’t be happier
Gorgeous. And, you know, I remember talking with you at Kerri Sackville’s launch after-party (actually, probably not so much talking as shouting across the YTT singers and no doubt spilling champagne down your front in the process) and you said “My new life is so great that want to tell my old life all about it”. You really did, and you really did!
This is inspiring stuff. Dreams CAN come true. Things can improve. Ruts are not for living in. Here’s to you and your new life- I wish you many happy years together. xx
And you know what … you deserve every second of it. I’m so happy you are so happy with your new handle and blade. It suits you.
That. Is. Gorgeous. I am envious, I won’t even try to disguise that. You’ve found your happy place. And again, I am envious xxx Mwah. Your heart is a beautiful one Miss Lana. x
Love it, Lana. So lovely to read – I bet your old self will have a big smile on her face now. xx
So pleased for you Lana. In a small way (as withall less-than-perfect relationships), you do have Old Life to thank for making you uncomfortable enough to decide to attract New Life. Well done. xx
I’m glad that you found some time to put some of your words down in writing for all of us 🙂 I often also find myself thinking about my old life & how things have evolved for not only me, but my relationships & friendships…life’s a beautiful thing, isn’t it ?! 🙂 xxxxxx
Gosh that was lovely to read. Your joy shines through in every word.
And as for the “grandfather’s axe” ..a beautiful story.
Wow!
How fortunate you have been, in self-awareness and more, to have found your new shiny, sharp self…and to be now ready to write that letter to your old self.
That is a great notion *sigh* a letter like that is such a good idea.
Thanks so much for sharing.. and Ms Mia Freedman in a round-about way has brought me much of what I now see as ‘my life’ thanks to her idea of blogging some years ago.
Love to you , as always Denyse XX
I am so inspired by this Lana. So inspired. In the depths of autism early intervention with my son, I sometimes feel stuck in the largest of ruts. I will think of the axe now when I feel like this. Thank you xx
Wow, Lana, that is fantastic. I LOVE the story of the axe. And I love to read about people who make their dreams come true, rather than sitting around hoping that one day things might change. It’s inspirational – as are you! Thanks for sharing this.
Dear Lana’s Old Life,
Not only does she get to work with Mia Freedman every day and have Mia count her as a close friend and an invaluable employee, Lana also gets to boss Mia around frequently, tell her when an idea is shit, her editorial judgement is off, her priorities are ill-conceived and her perspective skewed.
And you know what?
She’s almost always right.
Mia is bloody lucky to have her.
Thank you Old Life for sending her my way.
M xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
What a gorgeous story that is…about the axe.
You have a wonderful life with fantabulous friends. Your Old Life would be jealous, but you had to have it to end up here.
N x
That was beautiful to read and I love your writing. The whole family enjoyed the story, Ash was mesmerized and thinks you write beautifully. Thank you for sharing and so happy you have found your spot and are in the”flow.”
Dear Lana’s Old Life,
Interestingly, I met you just before you left. I loved you, but I could see you weren’t all that happy or fulfilled, so I was glad to see you go. I cannot even describe the joy I get from seeing Lana’s New Life. It is everything she deserves.
What’s more, Lana and I have journeyed to our new lives together. I shared all her fears and frustrations and heartaches, and my new life has turned out better than I could have ever imagined. So, Lana’s Old Life, when you meet Kerri’s Old Life can you please tell her to stop worrying, that there are fabulous things ahead, and that Lana will be there every step of the way?
Thank you,
Kerri xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Simple and beautiful.
Lana,
I read this piece with a smile from ear to ear. I don’t know about your old life as I think I may have met you when the new one was really taking off.
I loved “You know how you once tried to make me believe that what we had was as good as it got”. I think this should be compulsory reading for anyone with a dream.
I’ve spent a morning in a writing group being made to think about my “geographical spirit” (sounds really wanky doesn’t it) but for a small town girl, whose entire family lived on the same street I realized how different my life is to the one it could have been.
I’ve had some enormous dreams this year and you Lana have played a major part in helping those along, I have been so lucky to have met you.
I guess what I’m tying to say, is you achieving your dreams has had a knock on effect with others. I loved this piece.
Kirstyxx
So beautifully written as usual. What a beautiful story about the axe. I have been thinking to write something (probably a lot less serious) about the things my forty year old self would say to my 20 year old self. Much to say, as you can imagine! Thanks for sharing. What a great place to be in your life! X
I feel thrilled to have found you on Twitter, Lana’s New Life, through Mia. It amazes me how you chose to hide until just the right moment, but I’m glad you didn’t stay away – it was your time to let Lana’s heart shine.
Despite the unexpected turn in my own life, I can truly say that I see flashes of my own New Life peeking in the window…and I hope I’m half as lucky as Lana has been! 🙂
This is such a beautiful read, and so heartfelt. I can relate in so many ways Lana, my old self would just laugh at my life now and try to pull it to pieces, like so many people did that used to be in it. When you find yourself and true happiness though, nothing is impossible anymore. xx
So, I know I did a quick “love where you’re at” in the school drop off but I’m going on record here to tell you that it wasn’t even a week ago that I was thinking about writing about you, (my friend Lana who is the site manager for Mamamia and works with THE Mia Freedman) because I met you in your old life. And so, I have seen the wonderful wonderful thing that is a happy work place and how it can impact a person. And I am so proud to know someone who has had this happen to them and is living the dream.
Rock on Lana – you’re my happy story 🙂
This is such a beautiful article and it truly resonates with me. It’s like reading my own life. I’m so delighted and grateful that I had the opportunity to make changes, similar to Lana’s and start to realise who I really am and who I want to be.
Happiness can be under-rated in our society. But it is so very essential.
Congratulations, Lana, on being the change you wanted to see. It’s a rare opportunity. You write beautifully.
Beautiful Story Lana. You are very lucky to be fulfilling your dreams! xo
Your inspiring post has left me goosebumping at my work desk. Please blog more, Gx
Love this. So. So. So. So. Much.
Lana this is such a beautiful and sincere story. Congratulations on discovering your new life. It sounds wonderful and deserved. Georgie xoxo