Isabella Dutton (photo from The Daily Mail)
I am always careful in what I put online – especially when it comes to my child. I check with him if I share a photo that he is in it and I am mindful of not putting anything out there that I would not want him to read at any time. Not just now but in the future.
It is with this in mind that I was quite taken aback when I read this brutally honest post from Isabella Dutton aptly named “The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life”
Isabella is 57 now and her two children Jo and Stuart are adults. She has told the world via an article in the Daily Mail about how much she resented her children. How she wished she’d never had them.
She writes in part
“My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life.
Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene: Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn’t yet woken.
I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection.
I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.
I was 22 when I had Stuart, who was a placid and biddable baby. So, no, my feelings were not sparked by tiredness, nor by post-natal depression or even a passing spell of baby blues.
Quite simply, I had always hated the idea of motherhood. In that instant, any lingering hope that becoming a mum would cure me of my antipathy was dispelled.
I remember asking myself, ‘Is he really mine?’ He could, quite literally, have been anyone’s baby. Had a kind stranger offered to adopt him at that moment, I would not have objected.
Still, I wished no harm on Stuart and invested every ounce of my energy in caring for him. Even so, I know my life would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children.
Two years and four months after Stuart was born, I had my daughter Jo. It may seem perverse that I had a second child in view of my aversion to them, but I believe it is utterly selfish to have an only one.
I felt precisely the same indifference towards her as I had to Stuart, but I knew I would care for Jo to the best of my ability, and love her as I’d grown to love him.Physiotherapists recommend that each person who has experienced lower back pain caused by pinched viagra online in kanada nerves will effect constipation because the same nerves that regulate the lower back also deal with and regulate the intestines and how they function. The condition leads to turn the penile in relax order cialis and the patient is able to lose the tenseness, the pain, and becomes drowsy because the muscle pain and tightness evaporates. Cyber criminals and hacktivists have an impressive record of breaking buy cheap viagra into multi-million dollar companies. This substance also makes the blood look at more info levitra pharmacy purchase vessels in the penis to dilate allowing the increased blood flow that leads to a fuller and firmer erection for intense lovemaking.
Yet I dreaded her dependence; resented the time she would consume, and that like parasites, both my children would continue to take from me and give nothing meaningful back in return.Whenever I’ve told friends I wished I’d never had them, they’ve gasped with shock. ‘You can’t mean that?’ But, of course, I do.
And further into the article she explains her life with her kids
Tony and I had our rigidly defined roles. I did not look after the children when he was around. So as they played football, sat glued to the Grand Prix or watched the golf, I would creep back to our chalet and immerse myself in a good book. Other mums were running around like headless chickens after their children, but in our household Tony took that role.
We shared many happy times together; I did everything a good mother is supposed to. We had bucket-and-spade holidays on the Isle of Wight; there were endless sports events in which the children shone. I’m sure they would agree that they always felt secure and loved.
It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.
Having children consigns you to an endless existence of shelling out financially and emotionally, with little or no return. It puts a terrible strain on your marriage and is perennially exhausting. And your job is never done.
I know my life with Tony would have been so much happier without children, less complicated and more carefree.”
I don’t believe either that Stuart or Jo sensed any coolness on my part, although Jo once said, ‘You never tell me you love me, Mum.’ And I didn’t, it’s true. But I reassured Jo that I did love her. She and Stuart just accepted that I wasn’t demonstrative.”
It’s crystal clear she didn’t want children and I almost applaud her for the honesty in which she conveys this. She may not have loved her children in the traditional sense (certainly not in the Hallmark sense) but she acted like she thought a mother was meant to behave.
Clearly her children are old enough to have read it and it’s obvious that she has spoken to them about it. Why she wrote about it is another story altogether. But does she deserve to be attacked by “better mothers”?
The Mail Online closed comments on the post but not before thousands of people attacked her, not just as a mother but as a person. The comments were horrific and nasty. Hundreds of other media outlets picked up the story and the comments were just as vehement.
No kidding huh?
As always it makes me wonder about all the people that write hateful and poisonous comments online. Not just about this story but many others. Somehow it’s okay to write anything in a comment, it’s fair play to be mean and nasty in a response to something but it’s not okay for a writer to do that in a post.
I moderated comments on Mamamia for many years – I think I’ve seen the gamut of responses to other people’s parenting. I’ve been unlucky enough to stumble on some hideous forums that think it’s fair play to pick apart Australian bloggers, I’ve read the comments on far too many stories on other online forums and I’ve seen the vilest of Twitter abuse.
So while I can’t claim to understand what drove Isabella Dutton to write this piece (maybe she just wanted to air her view – maybe she has indeed helped thousands of other mothers who bring up their children perfectly well but hate parenting) I have more difficulty understanding parents that continue to bully and abuse other parents in comments and online forums while proclaiming how much better they are as people.
I’m careful about what I put out there about my son, I’d hate to hurt him in any way. I am well aware that it’s as easy for him to read the comments as it is the story. And I never want him to think that bullying is okay.
Beautiful thoughts, Lana. I love it that you care so much not just what your son could read now, but what he might read and interpret later. Whilst I may not agree with Isabella’s decision to publish these thoughts (perhaps it has hurt her children, but we don’t know), I am more saddened by people who choose to attack her. Especially in such vicious and vile language. Humanity is a scary thing at times.
I don’t get why people write hateful nasty comments either. The first time one of my posts was published at Mamamia I had comments ranging from “your husband must be having an affair” to “If he had the guts your husband should see a prostitute” as well as comments attacking my appearance. All I’d done was write a post about sex after babies – it was supposed to be funny!
I guess there is something about the veil of anonymity that makes people think its ok. It’s not.
While the post in question was worth writing – I think it should have been done anonymously. I feel so dreadful for her children … But agree that no matter anyone’s thoughts about this lady, spewing vitriol at her is disgusting. I love the online world do much but hate how it gIves the horrible thoughts in people’s heads such easy access to the people those thoughts are about.
The cynic in me can’t help wondering how much pressure the Daily Mail (or whoever agree to publish in the first place) put on her to give pictures and real names – makes the story so much juicier for them. An anonymous story would never have got this reaction. Sad but true
Arrgh you are activating the cynic in me too now!
Hmmm. I’m going to add another perspective to the mix.
This woman could be my mother. My mum never came out and said she regretted having children (she had 2 girls) but I’ve known since I was about 8 years old that she wasn’t like the other mums. Everything this woman wrote about: playtime with the kids, role responsibility, resentment about the financial burden – it was like she was talking about my mother. So when I read this I didn’t feel hatred or vitriol or disgust at the mother. I actually felt relieved that I wasn’t the only person in the world who’d grown up with a mother like this. For years (YEARS!) I thought my mother hated me. It’s only been in the last few years I’ve reconciled my feelings toward my mother’s treatment of me and fully understood that her behaviour toward me had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
Sure, her kids are going to read that article. But as someone who has a mum like this, the kids have probably known her feelings for as long as they can remember, and this article may just reinforce to them that her treatment of them was HER problem, and nothing to do with them.
I do understand the vitriol, the anger at this woman. It’s an anger that I had bubbling under the surface for many, many years. How could a woman be so detached from her own children? But I think it also opens up a dialogue to a very taboo subject; that some woman just don’t want children. This woman is from the same generation as my mother, and let’s not forget that not that long ago, women were just expected to get married and have babies. There wasn’t really any consideration as to whether every woman actually wanted to do this; it was just their role in society.
I think if we can take anything from this article, it’s to accept and acknowledge that some women just don’t want to be mothers, and would rather be successful in other aspects of their life. We can’t tut-tut women for choosing a career over motherhood, and at the same time berate a mother who wishes she wasn’t one.
I agree with everything you say – and I think it is important that her children (even as adults) know that there was nothing wrong with them, they weren’t bad children – their mother just didn’t want kids and it’s sad and tragic that she had them against her wishes. And I even understand to some degree the vitriol – God knows my mother and I have had issues which I will never write about because I don’t want my son reading them 😉 but I can’t condone it
Look how perfectly you made your point without once resorting to abuse or threatening behaviour. Totally shows it can be done xxx
Interesting post L. I am actually working on something myself inspired by this story – about whether women should remain childless or not. But I digress. I found her article very confronting as I had an emotionally detached mother growing up. I am grateful that the children of the writer had a solid father-figure and believe that his loving parenting probably made all the difference in how they turned out. Parenting is more than just doing the basics of clothing, food and shelter. Even though their mother probably did more than this in a physical sense, children need the unconditional bonding and emotional support that a loving parent provides. And they know (like missbenben) how it feels if they don’t get it. I do think writing this with her name attached may be honest, but agree with Kelly, anonymous would have been more appropriate under the circumstances. Her poor children may be well aware of how she feels, but now the whole world does…and that is a completely different story.
As for vile comments, I agree that internet trolls and haters should be named and shamed. There is no need for such antics and comments should only be left in the spirit of hearty debate. In my world anyway.
Wow- the writer’s frankness is almost alarming because she did indeed put her name *and* her picture to stand by it. I don’t judge her, I think it’s amazing she still feels that way so many years later and says so. Her generation were expected to fit into this role naturally, and ‘barren’ women were seen as a strange group apart to be spoken about behind hands.
I agree with Kelly, she might’ve been better off writing anonymously, because there are endless streams of people who will know better, do better, and be ready to attack and shove it down everyone’s throats. Whoopee to them.
Fantastic post, Lana- love reading things that make me think x
I’m not sure how I feel about her putting her face and name to this. Even when you write nice stuff with a happy ending you can still be slaughtered online. I feel though if my mum wrote this I would be devastated
I don’t judge her, sure some of her words are confronting but I’m not the arbiter of taste on the net. We see snippets of lives, sometimes filling in the blanks and substituting one form of what some see as poor behaviour with another isn’t the answer.
Love love love every word of your comment!
I do think that the Papers who print this inflammatory stuff do have a responsibility to their writers. Was it edited to a point it all sounded much worse then it was?
An article like this that comes across as rather mean and cold( why not anonymous) it going to generate strong emotions. I think this paper has form with whipping up a frenzy. The mail online should be called the Troll online.
I think this mother should have her children do a follow up comment to her comments. Let the world know how they feel. This would let those of us who have had similar mothers feel validated too. It will also hold the mother accountable for her actions. I have seven children and chose to have a large family. Every bit of exhaustion, strain etc. is true; the difference is your attitude. You can look back on your life with cup half full or look back cup half empty. I don’t care how strong her children are. HER COMMENTS HURT! GUARANTEE IT! Doesn’t mean they don’t love her or don’t get it. But they aren’t robots. If she chose to raise them properly as she could, why did she find it necessary to humiliate them in front of the world by telling all of us they were a pain in her rear. SAD! KARMA! God gave you gifts of healthy children! You chose to make them a ball and chain! She showed lack of integrity doing what she did and undid all the years of service she resentfully did. Hope she feels better….. Hope she has nothing to do with her children anymore and God forbid the grandchildren. I feel sorry for the children’s father too. He must feel so much regret. Loving a woman who was incapable of loving her own in a beautiful way.