*takes deep breath before posting*
I’ve never spoken about my anxiety online. It’s a choice I’ve made about what I share.
I choose what I want to put out there and by talking about my anxiety here I am not choosing to open up the extent of my mental health issues – firstly because you don’t have 100 hours to read about them and secondly because I don’t really feel comfortable going there. Sufficeth it to say, just like many hundreds of thousands of people, they are there.
The issues I have had with depression and anxiety have formed a huge part of who I am and for a long and awful time they were all that I was. Still not going into it here… BUT I have watched so many braver people than I speak about their struggles and today in particular I feel encouraged to share with you some of what my anxiety is like.
I remember with such clarity walking into a party more than 20 years ago with the most incredible pain in my arm. My breathing was shallow and I was quite sure that it was that night I was going to die. Sure of it – there was no way someone could feel as bad as I felt, have the pain that I had, the pounding heart and the inability to swallow let alone breathe and just walk away. I could picture the commotion I would cause when the ambulance would have to come and collect me and I wondered if I would ever be able to face any of these people again IF I lived. I wondered who of them would come to my funeral and who of them would talk about me with hushed tones and averted eyes.
Turns out I didn’t die that night, it also wasn’t the last time I felt like that.
Also turns out that my hypochondria isn’t part of some complicated Munchhausen’s syndrome. Sometimes I get symptoms that make me believe I am really unwell – fatally so and it’s just anxiety. I’ve been through all the therapy. Really – all of it and more. Still feeling the stigma EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I SHOULDN’T.
Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried. It often happens without reason, it feels like it can’t be controlled, it doesn’t simply pass – it makes life harder.
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Today I went with my very close friend (and author of The Little Book of Anxiety), Kerri Sackville to the launch of Beyond Blue’s new Anxiety Awareness campaign (she’s helping them to launch the campaign).
This clip says more than I can – it describes almost exactly how I feel when I get panicked or anxious. It also reminds me that I am not my anxiety. It’s brilliant.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpRo1Gb1FOg&w=560&h=315]
Maybe it describes you? Maybe it describes someone you know?
According to Beyond Blue “In any one year, around 2 million Australian adults have anxiety.” Maybe you should pass this video on to them…
It’s nothing to be ashamed of, even though it’s sometimes not easy to write about.
Thank you for sharing Lana xxx
Thank you for sharing your story too. 89th floor! You are way braver than me 😉
For as long as I’ve known you I’ve always thought you were braver and stronger than you know. And posting this, letting people in to that very private side of you, just proves it even more. Love you my friend. xxx
I thought about you with every word that I put on this post. I wondered what you would think… I love my fucked up past of anxiety and misery for bringing me you xxxxxx
I have it too though I don’t blog about it because it gets enough attention in real life. Oh the heart attacks/ strokes/ God knows what other illnesses I thought I was having when it was just anxiety screwing with my head. What I’ve found is that the more you admit to having it, the less headspace it takes up. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Alex – from one heart attack sufferer to another xxx
Well done, sweetie. I feel the same way as you. I share about my anxieety but I leave it there – there is so much more but I don’t feel brave enough, nor do I want to share any more than that. Bravo, my friend. I hear you xx
Thank you – and thank you also for the email 😉
I’m still peeved about the stigma attached to mental illness. No matter how many people have finally come out about their problems, I still think that there are a lot of people out there who say about depression – “just snap out of it.” If only it was that easy.
It’s such a difficult stigma to break. I am even guilty of it myself in being very guarded what I say about myself so it’s like a never ending circle….. But I am getting there xxxx
Thanks so much for sharing your world with us. It is brave and true xx
Not sure about my bravery. But thank you xxxx
Thank you Lana. Two years ago I found myself in hospital because my heart was racing so fast I thought I was going to die. After seeing a cardiologist (v. expensive!) I found out it was happening because I was really anxious yet not really aware of it. I still get tachycardia (really fast beating heart) sometimes but I am learning to notice the signs that set me off. Some nights I would go to bed pretty certain that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. I could go on about my (many) fears but it would probably take up your whole page! Thanks for making me feel like I’m not the only one.
Thank YOU xxxx
Brilliant. Me too. x
WOW! Just read your post http://therhythmmethod.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/living-with-anxiety/ – it’s beautiful and spot on and brilliant and THANK YOU for writing xxx
Big step Lana, important cause. Well done for hitting Publish.
Thanks Twitchy – your support means a lot
Same, same, same , same and same. Thank you. My friends are a very ‘together’ bunch it seems and I often feel like this is a real personal failing of mine x
You should hang out with me and my friends – none if us are very together. Also we’ll remind you YOU ARE NOT FAILING!xx
The more people are able to share, means there will be more people willing to share. And there are always listeners. Always.
Thank you for listening xxx
Thanks for sharing (with that thumping heart) and shining a light on anxiety, Lana. It can stalk and creep up in different, nasty guises – like guilt, incompetence over being unable to do things others find easy, or normal. No wonder some find it hard to understand! Anxiety isn’t openly discussed, like ‘nervous breakdowns’ when I was young. So thanks again, Lana.:)