I am what can be referred to as a sensitive person. With sensitive meaning over the top, ridiculous, analyzing every move that anyone in my general vicinity makes in an effort not to upset anyone.
It’s quite tiring being that sensitive and sadly sensitivity is a great feeder for anxiety. We all know that anxiety just loves to feed on sensitivity and so my anxiety is fat. Bordering on obese when it comes to the “upsetting other people” basket.
In fact it got a huge big feed the other day when I was browsing around on Facebook. I was on the page of a friend when I happened to glance up at mutual friends and saw something awry. Did I mention that I am painfully observant as well as ridiculously sensitive? Anyhow all my quirks and foibles checked out mutual friends and thought that it was really strange that PWSTHM (Person Who Seems To Hate Me) was not friends with this person. Odd. Alarm bell ringing odd. So I clicked over to PWSTHM’s page and saw that she has unfriended me!
Old habits die hard and I immediately began to run through all the things that I could have done wrong in my head. I checked my Facebook page to see if I had posted anything that may be deemed offensive. But I hadn’t, in fact I hadn’t posted anything at all on my personal Facebook page for days (and I knew that she had only recently unfriended me because I had seen her updates only days earlier). I wondered if there was something I had said to her in “real life” but then I remembered that I hadn’t spoken to her in real life for about 6 weeks.
It’s one thing when someone that you haven’t seen since high school snubs your friend request, but being unfriended by someone you know, like right now, is a bit of a slap to the face – especially when it seems to come from nowhere. It takes time to unfriend someone – you actually have to make an effort not to like them anymore. I checked on Instagram and Twitter and she’s unfollowed me there too. How much effort has she put into not liking me? Yes, I could be flattered by the amount of time she has spent on my various social media sites just in the process of unliking me but that feels weird.
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I spent quite a few hours being upset about it because I hate the fact that I have so clearly pissed her off and then just like that I advanced on to relief. To be honest I am glad high school is over, I am glad that I don’t have to prove myself to a judgemental clique. I am glad that there is no one who is not on my side in my Facebook feed.
The whole unfriending thing seems to be so mean, cowardly and immature that if I am friends with “unfrienders” I’d rather not be.
Sorry PWSTHM I am taking back my power and I am not going to be rattled that you no longer like me (although you will never know and that’s okay with me).
Have you ever unfriended someone on Facebook ? Why? Have you ever been unfriended? How did you feel?
I totally get this, but I am guilty of unfriending someone a few months ago. She was a person that was new to me who popped up in our social circle. She ended up having an affair with a mutual friend. I knew how hard it would be for that friends partner to see her name in my news feed so I unfriended her. She promptly asked me about the unfriend and I told her that I did it out of loyalty to long standing friends. Difficult and ugly I know, but I still feel I did the right thing.
It sounds like you did do the right thing and you were honest with her – 10 out of 10 in my book 🙂
It’s totally PWSTHM’s loss, Lana!
It’s happened to me too – a few times actually. The first was an old school friend whom I have lots of friends in common with. She unfriended me shortly after I moved to Aus – I honestly think she was jealous as had always talked about coming here but never taken action. Another time I noticed an ex-boyfriend had unfriended me, but it was around the time of his wedding – so fair enough really.
On the flip side, I have a strict rule – if any of my facebook friends post anything racist, sexist or generally offensive – they’re gone.
Thanks Catherine – and I am totally with you on the offensive unfriending although I have a really old friendship with a guy I really never see anymore (we live in different countries) and he was repeatedly posting stuff I found offensive. I didn’t have the heart to unfriend him, we are seriously almost childhood friends, so I hid his updates from my page and now I pretend he doesn’t exist. Cowardly but effective
I have unfriended people only twice. Once was someone who was a very recent ‘friend’ who I didn’t know and who almost immediately posted something so offensive that I immediately unfriended them – and possibly blocked them too.
The other one was much more recent and was much harder. It wasn’t someone I know personally, but someone I met online and have been following and interacting with quite happily for quite some time now. But something came up on which we fundamentally disagreed. This is not, in itself, a reason for unfriending. I disagree with some of my best friends in real life about some quite important things. It doesn’t make us not friends. But the subject at issue was one which people had deep feelings about – not deep opinions (although, them too), but actual feelings: grief, loss, pain. And they expressed those feelings and experiences in the conversation and the person in question ignored them. So convinced was she that she was right that she was determined not only to reiterate her position without any reference to the people talking about their OWN EXPERIENCES, but even to mock people for holding different opinions. This lack of compassion bothered me so much that I was moved to unfriend her.
I know that, even among people we ‘really’ know, we can occasionally come across surprising views and ones that shake our perception of the person. But even those can be overcome, mostly, if we are both willing to be open to the other position having validity, if only because it is another human being who holds that position. That this person was not willing to do that shocked me deeply and upset me to the point where I thought I needed to do something in solidarity with the people who had been belittled. So I unfriended. But I’m not happy about it. It’s not my style. I would much rather take up the subject with the person concerned and have it out. But I tried that in a polite way in the conversation and was so resolutely ignored that I feel continuing the conversation would only upset me more. So I have backed out.
And now I have realised that I have just thoroughly fed your paranoia about what you must have done to make this person unfriend you! Sorry! I’m sure it wasn’t anything like that in your case!
I have unfriended people! I really honestly didn’t know it upset people so much.
But I would never ever ever ever times a billionty unfriend you, and it is only our true friends who really matter, so don’t give that person a single precious second of your time. Take me out for breakfast instead. x
I have never defriended anyone- maybe I should do a clean up of people I really hardly know and don’t have anything to do with anymore. I was defriended once by an old Uni friend and I was hurt u tip I realised he closed his facebook down to leave his old life behind and travel- He has a blog now instead.
Who ever it was is clearly not a very nice person and maybe jealous? Wishing you many new friends who really appreciate you!
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