Parenting – you’re probably doing it right before you’ve even read one piece of advice

I have been sleeping through the night for about 9 years now. Since around the time my now 12-year old son turned 3.

He never really slept through the night until he was close to three years old. I was pretty tired, I probably was very snappy and I most certainly wasn’t fresh faced and doe eyed. But I was resolute that if he woke up in the middle of the night so would I.

I did not want him to cry himself to sleep, I did not want him to wake up in the middle of the night and not have me there and frankly I did not understand the reasoning behind a small baby with no means of expressing himself having to wait a minute before his needs were addressed.

While you may think I am stark staring crazy I am okay with that. It was a choice both my husband and I made very early on in our son’s life. He was a sick baby, he was very tiny and the doctors made silly pronouncements like he was “failing to thrive”. He wasn’t putting on any weight and we were missing NO chances at trying to get him to eat – be it at 1am or 3am or 9am or any time in between.

I read all the books. Yes really, when you don’t sleep you get quite a bit of reading time. I was warned about the “dangers” of letting your baby cry unattended and I was repeatedly “threatened” by the fact that my son would never learn to self settle and hence would never sleep by himself well, ever.

It’s all absolute tripe to me. And the benefit of hind sight is a wonderful thing. My child is 12, he self settles, can sleep on his own and is not the most spoiled creature on the planet – that title belongs to my dog. I am happy not that I chose to never let him cry – but that I listened to my heart. I did what was right for me and my child.

But the debate about self settling, controlled crying and learning to sleep rages on and with the so-called “benefit” of online parenting forums sprouting forth so much militant anger it’s surprising anyone gets any sleep. Certainly the comment moderators don’t.

It astounds me that people can get so angry about choices that other people make. Choices that will not affect them or their babies. Hell, if you want to let your baby cry in the middle of the night (and you love your baby) and I can’t hear the crying – go for it. I didn’t choose to do that for my baby – but that was the right choice for me. And my baby. Doesn’t make it right. Or wrong.

Last week Pinky McKay a famous Australian lactation consultant and baby massage therapist who believes “babies and toddlers are people too and they deserve empathy and respect, not ‘training’ through techniques such as rigid routines, controlled crying or spanking” unleashed what can only be described as a torrent of abuse at people she calls “tamers” (people who use techniques to get their babies to sleep) .

Included in her rant of “Most Frequently Asked Stupid Questions” was this

“1/ why does my baby cry when I leave him in his cot?
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For Pete’s sake (I hope ‘Pete’ was a Cuddler), you have a stone age baby in a space age world! He is programmed to expect a sabre tooth tiger or a crocodile or an eagle to swoop and gobble him up if he’s all alone. So don’t leave him alone in the frigging cot if he gets upset. If he’s still crying, for goodness sake pick the poor little bugger up before he is overcome with stress hormones that will fry his tiny brain and screw him up for life!”

You can read the whole tirade here if you have a strong stomach.

She sure got angry. And the veiled threat of being screwed up for life because of stress does not go unnoticed by exhausted mothers. Exhausted mothers who only turn to her for advice because they love their babies but they desperately need their sleep. Some people cope better without sleep than others. Fact.

Maybe  Pinky herself needs a little sleep and I think she acknowledges this by sort of apologising on her blog the very next day . (you can read that post here)

I get that she got angry that her message wasn’t getting through to people. I get that she believes so passionately in what she does – and to be honest I support her ideas that babies should be treated with empathy and respect, not ‘training’. I get that she just wanted to lash out and have a bit of fun with it.

But I also get that we have created an environment where people don’t trust themselves as parents.

We live our lives online and we read blogs and websites and forums and everybody seems to be following some technique or learned skill and we get frightened and confused and we forget to rely on our selves as good and instinctive parents.

We try and parent like the books say or the bloggers do or the lecturers demand. We often don’t tend to our children the way that our hearts dictate for fear it hasn’t been proven in some study to develop and enhance our kids brains and prevent their futures from becoming frazzled.

I’m not condoning Pinky McKay’s outburst because I do believe that mothers deserve to be supported whatever track they choose to take. But you know what;  it really doesn’t matter what she believes , she’s not the mother of your kids.

Maybe it’s time to stop taking the concept of the virtual village to raise a kid so seriously. Maybe we should just be supporting mothers to do what they believe is right for their kids. Even if we don’t agree with it.