The state is not a good parent

I once heard a woman from the Department of Community Services say that she had never met a mother that didn’t love her child.

I’ve read more than enough stories of the most terrible and awful child abuse and neglect meted out to innocent children and there is not a cell in my body that wants to defend anything close to abuse. It doesn’t sound like love to me. But I haven’t been out there, I haven’t seen the mothers whose intellectual impairments, emotional emptiness, physical circumstances, drug addictions and alcohol slavery speaks louder than any maternal instinct.

Until the other day, I had also never met any of the amazing people who take care of the kids whose parents are incapable of looking after them. People just like you and me – but with a special place waiting for them in heaven.

It was at a foster care summit held in Sydney last week where I learned about foster parenting and a lot of what it entails. Staggered by huge statistics, like the fact that more than 18 300 kids in NSW live in out-of-home care and JUST TO KEEP UP 450 new foster families are needed to join the program, I wanted to learn more.

Hearing the stories of some amazing foster parents and listening to the passionate and very emotional responses of the people working in the foster care environment you quickly learn that it does indeed take a village to raise a child.

While everyone wants to hear the fairy-tale, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow stories – this is not what the real world is about and foster carers know that more than anyone else. They have to provide secure, loving care and yet be able to let go when the child leaves. They have to be prepared to work with the child’s parents, caseworker and foster care agency to maintain contact and prepare for the child’s return home. They also need to deal with their own feelings about the abuse or neglect the child may have experienced in the care of their parents

After extensive pre-selection interviews and a large amount of training, preparation, counseling and learning they wait for the call.   Unlike most expectant parents they don’t know how old the child they will be caring for will be, what gender they are, how long they will be with their new family.  They just know that they are making a huge difference to somebody’s life. A very positive difference.
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Dr Judy Cashmore spoke emotionally about a follow-up study of foster kids at aged 23.  Frightening that at 23 some of these kids (albeit a very small percentage) could not name a single person who had loved them.  Those who could (and thankfully it was a far larger percentage who named foster carers, teachers, sports coaches etc)  were doing far better at life in general. Just the thought of feeling that no one has ever loved you is overwhelmingly depressing – it rings of the kind of cycle that develops when people have never known love.  It’s certainly a prompter to try and help in some way whether through crisis care, respite care, short or long-term care or pre-adoptive care

“There’s nothing special about us, all we do is provide for the kids” is how one foster mum described her fellow foster families. I tend to disagree because they certainly seemed very special to me, but I understand what she was saying.  Anyone can be a foster carer if you are over 18, an Australian citizen or permanent resident and in good health. In fact, of all the foster parents we met at the summit, only one family was from your “stereotypical mum and dad family.” Of course if helps if you have patience, tolerance and humour, empathy, good listening skills and realistic expectations of yourself and the child.

It was an amazing insight into a world I knew nothing about, a world that truly shows the darkest and the very brightest sides of people.

I’ll end with the very “sticky” words of Judy Cashmore “ The state is not a good parent, we need people to parent”

If you are interested in foster care or finding out how you can get involved please click here for more details.