It is a little ironic that a few days after I wrote about not posing a threat to my son’s confidentiality and privacy I took to Twitter to seek help in regards to his behavior.
You see up until recently my son has been the most delightful child that you could meet. He’s been loving and caring, compassionate and kind and he seemed to really want to make me happy. I know it’s a bit selfish to want your child to make you happy but geez it was nice.
If we argued (and we did) he would be contrite and apologetic and genuinely seem to learn from whatever had caused the issue.
But that seems to be over.
Now he’s just a shit (although I think he’s just hormonal not genuinely shit)
When he is told off (generally for being rude) he shrugs and literally says “I don’t care”. It’s quite hard to handle.
Although to be honest the day after his major hormonal outburst now known in the Pencil household as “the night the sociopath came to stay”, he was so insightful as to his own behaviour that he made me marvel at him all over again. He also showed maturity beyond a sociopath level.
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I’ve changed my mind.
I need help from people who understand adolescent behavior and it seems to have been making it’s way to me almost as if there was a teen god sending it over. I’ve been stumbling across articles and essays that I may have seen around but never paid attention to. So much science and research into the brain which actually explains why the sociopath took hold of my son’s brain.
I remember people saying to me when Little Pencil was a baby – “small children small problems” and I wanted to whack them. It was condescending and unhelpful and not really true. All parts of parenting have their own issues and their own rewards. When he was small he was so attached to me, now that he is bigger that attachment has to change. I hope that is what they meant.
I love my adolescent son more than I could ever put into words. We have been lucky enough to enjoy an incredibly close and meaningful relationship. We have a bond that I am grateful for every minute of every day but I know that part of this stage of his life means our relationship has to change and that in some way I need to allow him to lead that change.
We don’t have to stop being close and loving each other an unhealthy amount but I do have to let him grow up. I need to allow him to be a teenager, to find his feet, to determine his strengths and his weaknesses, to come to me when he needs me and to pull away when he needs to find himself.
I just hope that he knows that I am on his side. And that I can still be a LITTLE bit scary when I shout only because I love him.
Gosh, that reminds me of what I was like as a teenage… so, don’t worry… look at how I turned out…
OK… so, maybe worry a little bit… 😉
Lol – thanks JJ!
Welcome to my world, Lana. It’s a tough gig but you’ll get through it x
Your blog is already helping me through xx
Little pencil and squirt have one thing in common…. Hormone revolution!
I’m pretty sure Squirt surges a couple of weeks before Little pencil! I remember telling you how ghastly the behavior was at home. To which you smiled and assured me it was only a phase and he he’ll come out of it- or better still you looked at me as if I was off my head! And said NO he’s an angel!
As a friend and throughly faithful confidant, I believe it’s us that needs to change our behavior towards our children. The expectation that our boy/ man child should transcend through THEIR rite of passage smoothly and without fluffing any feathers in the nest, mmmm is an illusion. Remembering this “behavior” is not a reflection on the incredible parenting skills of us, It has NOTHING to do with the latter. This is their gig and we’re at the sidelines. Either cheering them on or putting them on the bench.
We must change how we communicate and not to take so much personally. Give them more space and watch them stuff up.
Remember if all else fails- we are the grown ups, we can act maturely- Take their phones, ban all electrician devices and scream at them until we feel much better!
I miss you. Come back home and bring your squirt. You will see how much of a changed woman I am as I let my son grow away *sobs*
It’s a tough time indeed. I have a 24 and a 25 year old and I still don’t have any answers as to why they behave like they do. Just live, day by day and keep smiling. Apparently one day they turn into responsible adults …
You have children one year apart – you deserve a medal xx
I still remember being 13. The feelings of rage and depression and resentment that would descend for no reason at all. It passes. I came good… well, any day now. X
Give it a few years, after all you’re only 16 now
Just when you think you have the new kid worked out, another one will come and take over. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. Mine are now in their 20’s and the emotions never stop. When they are little they don’t really have their own problems and we control a lot of their lives … but once they hit puberty all of a sudden we are no longer fully in charge …and they have their own problems and don’t always want to talk to us about them. When we think they are moody, rude and ungrateful they are usually dealing with something that seems enormous to them … and in their world it is because they haven’t yet had a long enough life to have the problems adults have. Sometimes we have to take a step back and remember it isn’t all about us. I found that hard … still do. But … as long as you are there for him and he knows he can talk to you about anything … it will all be ok. Sorry for the essay xxx
I loved your essay Annie and I thank you for understanding where I am at now. I have read so much about cortex development in the last week I’m almost beginning to understand where he is. Not Really 🙂
You know what’s helped me out (and I say this as both a person who teaches stuff and has a gaggle of kids between 15 and 3) is this TED talk. I use it when I teach students about lifespan development because knowing that teens have a foot in both camps in the adult and kid one makes me not despair at how truly hideous they can be x https://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_jayne_blakemore_the_mysterious_workings_of_the_adolescent_brain
Thank you so much Sarah – we watched it together!!!! (he got bored but I thought it was interesting indeed – lots of reading ahead of me)
I have one just coming out of this, one deep in and one just starting and all I can say is hang on and don’t talk it personally. You all love each other and in the end that will be a lovely light that shines again. It’s just a little hard to see it sometimes deep in the teenage swill.
Good luck and hang in as it’s a ride for all involved xxx
Oh Lana, they are all so different! Our eldest (my step-daughter), 16, is as close to perfect as you can get. Yes she has her moments but generally she makes us all so proud of how she has progressed from teen to young woman. (hoping I won’t eat my words!) And then Miss 14 (again my step-daughter) although not difficult or angsty, is in the I-don’t-care-about-anything in a kind of I’ll-just-go-with-the-flow kind of way which sounds cruisy but it is not! It is frustrating. I just want her to care about something!!!! I know it will pass but there are times when I just want her to scream at us and show some emotion! Then there is Miss 9 who I swear if she rolls her eyes at me one more time I will….well… I will of course send her to her room…. again.
Parenting. Who would sign up for this???
I am having problems with one – I can’t even imagine three! xx