When someone tells you your child is lying

There are many things I try to teach my child, almost every day. Ever since he was able to talk I have wanted him to know that what he says is important, his words count and that I believe him.

The reasons for this are numerous and obvious – of course he is important and should know that but there is something far more significant and important about him knowing that I believe him, I trust him and if he tells me something I will actually listen.

Some people may complain about the fact that our kids are too forward, that “back in our day” we would call our friends’ parents using the Mr or Mrs moniker, we respected our parents more and our relationships were different. Yes they were different – but they were not necessarily better. The idea that children should be seen and not heard, that they should not talk out of turn and that there were certain things they shouldn’t talk about at all surely caused more damage than it did good. Abuse and inappropriate behavior swept under the carpet – things that troubled us as kids never brought to light.

It is with this mindset firmly entrenched that I was horrified by the recent events that unfolded when a friend of mine sent her ten-year old child to a holiday camp for a day last week.

As any working mother can attest holidays are the worst part of the school year – as much as you would also like to take a break and spend the day exploring parks and museums with your kids, work is work and there are not 4 terms a year so holiday camps and activities are perfect for parents who know that their children will be stimulated and kept safely occupied while their parents  go earn the money to buy food and send the children to that camp.

My friend (let’s call her Anna because I want to protect her privacy) asked her son after his day at Cartoon camp, how he had enjoyed it. He answered that he had had fun in the morning but the afternoon was boring because although they played games he wasn’t included in any of them, although he had held his hand up high. I know this child – I can picture his hand right up there. It would have been high and his face earnest. He would have wanted a turn.

Now, like any mother would, Anna believed her child, what reason would he have to lie to her? There was nothing to hide, nothing to gain from lying and he was simply recounting what had happened during his day. She talked to him about it at length and when she was satisfied that it was indeed an issue and that he had felt left out and excluded at the camp she emailed the person running the camp to point it out. In part she said

“While the first half of the day was entertaining, the second fell well short. I was told that five games were played after lunch. For each game, only some of the children were selected to participate. My son was excluded from FIVE activities. He was not selected for a single game. Not one of the five. He was forced to sit and watch while other children played and participated.”

And here’s the thing! The man who was in charge of running a children’s camp simply responded with a one liner saying

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Ummm, – clearly he didn’t attend customer service 101. But that’s okay because my friend did so she left her number and was called by some sweet young man who was helping out at the camp that day. And then it got worse.

She was told that the reason her son was excluded from some of the activities was because the activities were deemed unsafe  and because they were unsafe, several children were not picked to take part.. .Nice! So now she’s not only being told that she’s grossly wrong and her son has NOT told the truth but that the games were unsafe.

So she wrote to the man that runs the camp again to express her disappointment and (at this point) shock. I won’t go in to his full reply because he gave his full agenda for the day outlining how safe his program is and a whole lot of irrelevant blumph but the important bit you can read for yourself

“I would appreciate your son telling you the truth and not to over exaggerate. He needs to be taught not to make up stories. I would appreciate a formal apology from him and from you.”

I cannot tell you how much it makes my blood boil to see a man who is looking after children respond in such a bullyish manner. The adult in this interaction dismissing the child’s concerns and demanding an apology from him AND his mother! Where on earth is the child’s voice in this? If he was unhappy (and clearly he was) does he have no right to express it. And worse – should his feelings and the events of his day be negated simply because he’s a young kid?

So she gave him an apology – she told him she was sorry she had ever sent her son to this camp. And ever the professional he replied – Thank you for your email. I can see why your son behaves the way he does.”

I don’t even have the words. But I can tell you for one thing I won’t be sending my son anywhere near Danny from Cartoon Kingdom but if I were his conscience, his business adviser or even his friend I would be telling him to apologise to my friend and her son. And as a man who works with kids, I’d get him to learn to respect them.

How would you respond if an adult told you your child was lying?