My husband has a very difficult job, It’s unrelenting, it’s almost impossible to get it right and it pays nothing. Of course I’m not talking about the billion hours he spends in the office , that’s a breeze compared to the job he has to do of trying to calm my anxiety.
Ever since I met Mr Pencil, and way before that I have been a frightened person. I am scared of most things but my one big fear has always been the very rational fear of the end of the world. Not the end of “my” world as every psychologist in Johannesburg and the Eastern suburbs of Sydney has tried to convince me, but the REAL end of the world (and yes I know the psychologists are probably right and it’s all analogous and metaphorical and shit but it’s my fear and I am describing it my way).
I remember first feeling this hideous. at times paralyzing fear when I was in primary school. When I feel it now I am still very much in the state of mind of the primary school girl. You can imagine how great the last couple of weeks have been for me. One mention of the word ISIS and I may as well plait my hair, go straight to the playground and lie in the fetal position wailing and sucking my thumb.
And I know that even if I feel petrified and alone on that playground I am not, in fact, alone at all. There are so many other people feeling scared and unsure at the moment because of current world events, people that haven’t even been practicing like me for the last 40 years.
And they don’t even have Mr Pencil. Not only is he the most compassionate and kind human you’ll ever meet (you should hear him talk about the Middle East crisis – you’d just about fall in love with him) he’s also very smart. Smart enough to know how to talk me off ledges and back up his talk with real facts.
It was with this in mind that he took me to the Festival of Dangerous Ideas on Sunday evening to listen to Steven Pinker talk about the end of violence. I sat through the lecture diligently and took pages and pages of notes but I didn’t really need to – because Mr Pencil had told me about his theories in a way that I actually understood. And it’s remarkably good news.
Pinker believes (and can prove) that violence as a whole is actually decreasing at every level – country , state, suburb and street. Think back to prehistoric days where 50% of skulls showed evidence of violent trauma, or the Middle Ages (we have 1/35th the chance of being killed now than we did then), think about times when law and order was kept by torture, mutilation, and sawing people in half. Think back to dueling and blood sports, witch-hunts, slavery and religious persecution. Think about the Napoleonic wars, Taiping, Shaka Zulu, the American Civil War and the war of The Triple Alliance where 60% of Paraguay was eradicated. All 19th century. World War II may have had the most deaths but not in relative terms.
Prior to 1945 there were two new wars per year for 600 years.
Since 1946 we’ve had
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Racism is on the decline, the number of countries that have discriminatory laws have declined and there are more countries that actually favour ethnic minorities. There’s been a steady increase in the places that have decriminalised gay marriage and there has been a reduction in corporal punishment world wide, as a whole parents are no longer resorting to smacking and the rates of sexual abuse and school violence are down. Perhaps the biggest difference here is that now we care about it – before it was “just part and parcel of childhood”.
The media’s 24/7 reporting from every area of conflict would make you think otherwise. There’s nothing that happens that isn’t broadcast or televised or given several pages in print and online – you’d think it was worse than ever before rather than believe that technology is actually allowing you access to more information than ever before.
Over time our sense of empathy has expanded, we are thinking more abstractly and universally as we become better educated and well read, we recognise the futility of violence and see the need to reduce it. We will never live in a world where there is no violence but it’s not such a bad place. It’s actually getting better.
Mr Pencil sat through the entire talking nodding sagely and turned to me at the end to tell me how much he loved Steven Pinker, “It is amazing” he said “how when you listen to facts over media beat up and hysteria your perspective of what’s going on can actually change”.
I will just continue to listen to him. And thank every atom in the universe for his existence every day.
Your husband sounds like the best. I share your problems with anxiety and I know how suffocating it can be and I think we both find humor to be a good release valve. Meds have helped me but I still have bad days where for no reason whatsoever I think that terrible things will happen. Stay strong. You are loved.
Thank you Louisa. xxx
PS Your blog is the one thing that will always make me smile – even when I am at my most scared.
My aim in life is to find a man like your husband. Except one who wears hats. I like hats. x
My husband is fond of a hat IN SUMMER, never a beret and only a beanie if he is in the snow 🙂
I love this and relate so much. My Busy-And-Important-Husband had been patiently teaching me the art of perspective since the day we met. So hard to maintain perspective in a world awash with headlines tied to the bottom line and profitability of commercial media outlets. As Russel Brand says, so much of what we see and believe is an illusion.
We are lucky to have these men in our lives!
You see, this is one of the reasons I’m very careful about how much “news media” I consume.
Of course they report on all the conflicts in the world – it’s more “enthralling” than reporting that world has been getting safer…
Of course this isn’t true for everyone – if you are in The Ukraine, or suffering under ISIS, or anywhere where conflict still occurs, your life is still going to be insufferable… and that’s an awful truth…
But I’ve known about these statistics for a while now – that the world has been getting safer and less violent over the past 60 years… let’s keeping working so that this becomes true for everyone!
And just remember – the people in this world who commit awful acts of violence and atrocities are VASTLY outnumbered by those who don’t – ordinary people like us – ordinary people you encounter everyday of you life – remember that the next time you’re bored in a queue, or standing up on a bus, or someone cuts you off in traffic… 🙂
I think you and my husband would get on well !
You’ve done a much better job of articulating something I’ve written about myself. And I am so jealous that your husband took you to the Festival of Dangerous Ideas! Hold on tight to that one.
Thanks Mumabulous – holding on tight with everything I’ve got 🙂
This brought tears to my eyes Lana, and I’m not quite sure why. I really do hope the world is safer, especially for my kids, but still it breaks my heart to see all the torture, killing and disgusting violence that many have to put up with day in day out.
Thanks Jodi, I know how hard it is not to worry about the world our kids will grow into but (in my husband’s tongue) just think of all the good things they will have, there is less poverty in the world than there was even 50 years ago, so many diseases have been eradicated, there is longer life expectancy, and really there are many more good people than there are bad.
I often feel naive or uninformed in terms of news and current affairs, telling myself I need to take more of an interest, learn more etc. Yet I also think that perhaps it’s not so bad inside my little bubble and that the less information I have, ultimately is giving me less to be anxious about.
ps….I love your husband too. He is such a wonderful man and I am grateful to him for many things xx
I know you know how I feel my beautiful friend. Stay in your bubble – you are well informed about the things that count xx
You are very lucky to have found such an empathic partner and I hope you both continue to grow in your relationship.
I discovered that the world was not nearly as violent as the media would have us believe in the 80s when I did a welfare certificate. Coincidently with the man I am currently married to. We met again in the nineties after my first marriage had broken down but that is another story.. Then the conclusions I had reached about how less violent our society is was confirmed when I studied Sociology and History in the 90’s.
We only hear the worst portrayed in the media. The most common victim of crime statistically falls into the same group at the most common perpetrator i.e. young, male and lower or underclass.
We are all more at risk from someone we know rather than the stranger we all fear.
I rarely pay attention to the media anymore and when I do I tend to get annoyed rather than fearful.
I’d rather be scared by something that will really hurt me like the spiders and snakes that appear in my backyard than be anxious over things that I have no control over and may never happen.
It’s true about the world becoming more peaceful – when we were kids, Narelle and I would fight only as a brother and sister can…
Now, I think the older we become, the more alike we are!
(Hey Sis! 🙂 )
Hi John
Thank you Narelle – your words are wise and warm. xx
There is nothing like facts to quell irrational fears. Your husband sounds brilliant, and so does Stephen Pinker. The media loves to whip everyone up into quite a frenzy, and clearly there are threats there, but this perspective is a wonderful salve for the stress we all feel in the air. Thanks for sharing – and I hope it makes you feel better too. xx
Thank YOU gorgeous Carolyn xx
That was fascinating. How heartening.
OK. Now I’m crying and can’t work, damn blog! Inspiring, touching and moving words, in every way. Thank you for voicing them.