This morning at work one of the gorgeous women who I work with mentioned she’d had an awful night, she had been awake with her baby every two hours. She was sleep deprived, shattered, headachey (you know that shocking headache you get from not having slept enough?) and quite possibly nauseous from settling a crying baby for hours on end.
She needed coffee, sympathy and a nap. Also quite possibly a babysitter for a few nights. Instead I gave her the worst placation anybody could give. “You have my 100% iron clad guarantee that it will pass” I said in our little Skype chat. And only after too much time I realised how awful my words must have come across to a sleep deprived mother right in the midst of the hard parts of parenting.
When you are at the coal face of sleep deprivation, when you are the person keeping your eyes open with matches and downing alternate coffee and panadol and your baby is at your feet reminding you that you have another long night in front of you and your computer screen is pinging with messages reminding you that you have a day of work in front of you what you don’t need is some trite words of wisdom. You just need to be heard. And you need something like a “there there” but not an actual “there there”.
In person I am a listener, a nodder, a crier-along-with-you and a toucher (which sounds creepy but I hope it isn’t). I have a friend who is a don’t-worry-it-could-be-worse proponent and another who is a I’m-so-sorry person. I’ve also got a just-talk-it-outer and a problem-solver. I’m lucky, I feel like I have the full gambit.
It’s such a personal thing how you want to be responded to when you are talking about a problem, sharing something personal, getting something off your chest or just complaining and it’s just as personal in how you respond to someone else’s problem.
It turns out that I am spectacularly bad at “listening” online. And I think it’s true for most people, mostly because it’s really hard to just listen and be there when you are on a device and your nodding head and sympathetic arm patting are seen as huge silent voids.
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Maybe that’s part of the problem with all the trolls and hateful stuff you read online. Maybe some people are just incapable of being sincere and kind when there is no physical being there to absorb the words.
Schoolyard bullying and mean girl behaviour abounds online masked as “news” or “current affairs”. Posts on blogs and websites tell the tales of other people lives and invite you to comment on someone else’s issues from behind the safety of your keyboard and your monitor, the barriers to real emotion and understanding. And then the writers behind the blog protest when people start to talk badly “I’m human” they say “a real person, and I can’t stand the abuse being directed at me”. And then the next day they invite more abuse to another celebrity or mother who dared to look “toned” after she gave birth or a person who had a hair cut or you know – showed their face in public.
You see how easy it is to get angry behind a monitor…
So how do we talk online in a way that is meaningful and thoughtful? How do we discuss the issues that confront us in the news and in the world of celebrity without being dismissive of the people involved and their unique problems? When does having an opinion on something or disagreeing with somebody else’s way of thinking or doing become judgmental? And how do we make our point while listening and remaining compassionate?
I’d like to think I have most of that covered just by being human and exercising the same caution in conversation or writing online that I would in talking to someone over a cup of coffee. I’d like to think that I was thoughtful and considered in my online communication…. but then I dismiss someone’s feelings by telling them it will pass and that’s not a thing Lana would say in real life.
I know it’s not a biggie and I am sure that the recipient of my Pollyanna statement would know think I am quite neurotic even worrying about it – but sometimes I believe a little bit of worry about the impact you have on others can lead to a little more humanity. And that’s always good.
Yes yes yes. I was thinking about this all week (and blogged about how I deal with things online too). I try really hard to stay true to the ‘real’ life me online, but I do admit that sometimes (hopefully rarely) I can dismiss something because I’m tired too, because I have to go do the thing and put down the device etc. I am trying to stop, think and even if the person needs to wait a little while for my undivided online attention, I will try to give it. I think sometimes I get sucked in by the ‘urgency’ of it all. We can be contacted, notified and all the rest of it so immediately that sometimes we forget that we don’t have to reply with such efficiency just to tick it off.
Sometimes I leave a comment which I think is funny then later worry it was too flippant or know-it-ally. I go through a heap of angst about how I respond to people and would hate to upset someone. It’s a tricky road I agree.
You and me both Pinky xxxx
Oh god I’m the problem solver, aren’t I?
I think I’m excellent at listening online. I’m just crap at it in person because, well, PROBLEM SOLVER.
Sorry.
*hangs head in shame*