Let’s change ALL the supermarket shopping rules

You’ll be thrilled to know that a delightful woman by the name of Beverly Macca has taken the time to write to her local newspaper. I know nothing about Beverly other than she works from nine to five so she is very busy and important. Mind you after reading her letter I also know that she’s a wee bit rude.

But still, she took time out from her very busy life to write to the Editor of The Herald so clearly something was niggling her– and I get it, her letter was about supermarket shopping which is a highly critical event.

In a letter aptly titled Go home, old people she wrote

“Whenever I rush home from work, I always get stick behind old people in the check-outline at the supermarket.

Don’t they have the rest of the day to shop?

A weekday shopping curfew of 5pm for old people should be introduced to make life easier for nine-to-fivers.”

Well that’s telling old people. Maybe we should bring it up as legislation, it will probably pass sooner than the right for gay couples to marry.

But before we go there I have a few more suggestions from someone who is not a nine-to-fiver but shops whenever it suits her. I would like to ban the following people from shopping when I am there

• People with children who are bored or tired
• People who work. At a push they can go get a sandwich for lunch but not at the supermarket
• Teenagers should not be allowed in supermarkets at all
• People who stand in the aisle comparing products for ages on end should do their research online. They might as well do their shopping there at the same time
• Chatty shoppers who want to engage with me
• People who don’t know how to count 12 or less items
• People who walk while texting in the aisles
• People who walk two astride in the aisle. Actually let’s just make that people who shop with their friends. (I will make an exception for carers)
• People who are known to stop as they get off an escalator (even if there is no escalator in the immediate vicinity)
• Children with loud toys or shoes (just this morning I came across a little girl who had squeakers at the bottom of her shoes – I believe her parents must be hard of hearing people-haters)
• People who have left their lists at home and stand pondering at the entrance to every aisle
• People who sing to the supermarket radio (sorry dad)
• People who can’t steer a trolley
• People who compare the nutritional labels of every product (again they are quite welcome to do their research and shopping online)
• People who I know (I am not a chatty shopper)
• People who can’t remember their pins when it comes to check out time
• People who buy hundreds of bags of shopping to be home delivered

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Maybe I could just go shopping with Beverly Macca, except I worry she will think I’m too old.