My anxiety is a tricky beast. It’s aware I would never invite it in so it just appears and then stabs me repeatedly in the chest area to remind me of its existence.
My anxiety beast loves change almost as much as I hate it. Whenever there is a slight whiff of change in the air he swoops in and attaches himself to me like an iron filing to a magnet. Or a parasite to my flesh.
It’s that capacity to sense and swoop in on change that makes sure my anxiety knocks out any excitement I may have before it has a chance to express itself. Picture my head as a 3 litre container – anxiety is 4 litres and takes up all the space spilling over and not allowing the other emotions any light or space. It’s odd how I can see that objectively but I can’t stop it from happening.
The anxiety beast has been hanging around my head for a while now reminding me about Syria and the refugee crisis, Nauru, child abuse, poverty, talking to me about the news and generally swatting away the light. And as soon as it realised that I was taking my brain and body with me to Hawaii ON A PLANE and away from my house and my bed it fed on that news and grew to five times its size.
So with anxiety spilling out my cavities I have been preparing for an amazing trip. And as well as feeling anxious about I also feel very guilty about it. It’s going to be fantastic – do I deserve it? And why am I ruining it by being anxious about it? Of course this just makes me feel more anxious and guilty. If you’ve ever suffered from anxiety you know exactly what I am talking about
These are some of the things I’ve worried about happening before we leave
- Something terrible happening to my dog
- Something terrible happening to someone in my family
- Something terrible happening to one of my friends
- World War 3
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Nothing trivial in other words.
Today my husband called me to talk me off the edge of the Chilean earthquake tragedy. I had heard that Hawaii was on tsunami watch and I was at once petrified we would have to either cancel our trip or die in a huge tsunami. I was also immediately plagued with guilt that I had worried about my holiday while a million Chileans were being evacuated and five people had already been confirmed dead. I told him that I just knew that something bad was going to happen and now it had. He quickly pointed out that I was far from prophetic it was just that I always assumed bad things happen and I have done it before every holiday we have ever had.
It’s not that I don’t feel enormously lucky and that I won’t treasure and love every minute of my trip, it’s just that my anxiety is controlled by change and going on holiday involves a lot of change.
In my true anxious state I worry about writing and posting this, because my anxiety beast likes control and secrecy and when I admit he’s taking over he’ll have the last laugh by making something really bad happen and then looking back at this post with an ironic laugh.
But I am doing it anyway…
I’m doing it because I know so many people suffer anxiety about so many different things and it’s not a fault or a weakness, it’s a horrible reality. I also know that I have the power to beat the monsters in my head – but first I have to acknowledge that they exist.
So dear anxiety beast in my head – I am putting you onto paper (well screen, but close enough). I am owning you and one day I may even control you.
Do you suffer from anxiety? How do you deal with it?
I was meant to read this right now. Thank you Lana for sharing. I’ve never noticed just how much anxiety was taking from me until this year. I “did this to myself” in some ways because apparently selling your house, moving to a new area, retiring from your life long work & leaving all those you love in Sydney will do it! I’m both pleased we have “done what we did” & know that it will work out… BUT as my new psychologist told me “your feelings haven’t caught up with your changes”. So.. I’m forcing myself most days to be out in the world when I want to stay home because I’m not letting anxiety stop me from living life.. This sounds like I’m going well, yeah? Umm. Not quite. You see my anxiety (read anticipatory response) gives me IBS diarrhoea which sets up a rebound anxiety – will I get it when I want to go to Sydney to see the family? It’s now at the point that I’m avoiding travel where I anticipate trouble. I know my anxiety/worry gene is something I’ve lived with pretty well but it seems BIG transitions like this have let it free. Mindfulness learning & meditation is actually making a difference. Art & walking & blogging are helping. I also know time is helping. I have an amazing hub who listens & reassures. My GP is ace – but when she asked me to give an anti depressant a go (just to see if it might take The edge off anxiety) my ONE (& only) 30 mg trial dose WORSENED things so much I could have curled up & died. No more of THAT. I’m a determined woman & know that anxiety & it’s running mate depression tell us lies. Right now I’m doing better than I was & I can sense it too. I’ve never shared as much publically as I have now so THANK you for starting the convo. Much love D xxx
Gosh Denyse – you HAVE been through a lot but looking for and getting help in any form that works for you is the best thing you can do. Keep getting stronger and keep sharing xxx
Thank you Lana, and sharing it is definitely the best way to move forward. Cant wait to see snaps from Hawaii..the only place I’ve travelled to for a good holiday..by myself and 10 years ago!! Denyse x
Denyse, Lana, I hear you. Moving and leaving everything you’ve knows for a good (life long) while is a total anxiety invite. I’ve moved from Scandinavia to Perth (Freo), then out from Freo (30min south). I might as well have moved to Antarctica…..No one comes to visit, I know 1 person down here, partner is away working, brain is going in overdrive that its all my fault blah balh blah….even if I know it’s a part to a bigger plan and this is a planned step of the way. I wish I could turn my head off at times.
Imagine living in this….
“Fancy a coffee? Yes sure…..walks down to coffee shop. Cute dog outside. Orders coffee, oh look an empty table. Sweet. Coffee tastes good. Sits and reads/writes. Coffee finished. Let go home/back to work/whereever. Imagine if that was all that was going on…………
I dream of induced comas.
Oh honey………. xxxxxxxx
Up the meds, honey. It helped me. Life’s too short.
cope? Lol what’s that. We ‘survive’ the day/hour/minute and then survive the next. It’s no way to live… But we get back up and try again. It’s hard. I remind myself that I CANNOT predict the future, I cannot change the past – I’m not THAT good. So I try to live in that moment – live in the next 5 minutes and deal with whatever happens later, if/when it happens later.
Good advice Tracey xxx
Oh shit Lana I am so, so, so sorry that I tweeted you that today! I didn’t mean to add to anything you were already feeling! I wish I hadn’t shared it with you now! I hate anxiety! I live with it every day, I hate it. Today I don’t know why but I had heart palpitations all day I could feel my heart beating really fast and then skipping a beat to let it slow down. I sent hubby a message that I couldn’t breath he rang me to talk me off the ledge again. I feel for him because I know he loves me but it must get old having to talk someone off an irrational, imaginary ledge! The biggest problem for me is that even though I know I have been living with it for as long as I can remember it is only since February when I had a total breakdown and ended up hospitalised that I have been honest with myself and others about it.
After hubby talked me off the ledge of course the kids got home from school which is always a good reminder to keep breathing once they settled in I tried to do some smiling mind breathing which worked for a tiny minute.
I don’t have any words of what works, but a good hug and knowing I am loved helps. But I find it super hard to put into rational words irrational feelings that make any sense to anyone else except another anxiety sufferer!
Sending you all my love and please enjoy your holiday!
hugs
Cathy xoxo
Please don’t feel bad for a second. I am addicted to the news so I wasn’t going to miss that event. And my husband (like yours) knows me well and called me the second he heard about it.
If talking someone off the ledge gets old my husband is Methuselah. Take any support you can get and embrace it xx
Anti anxiety meds, Kalms tabs, mindfulness, yoga, medication and reading positive happy books
Anti anxiety meds, Kalms tabs, mindfulness, yoga, meditation and reading happy positive books
Seems like your husband has an impressive record (in years and successes) of dispelling the anxiety beast and other uninvited “mind” guests…beasts. Trusting him seems to make you sharper…maybe “Mr. Sharpener” is a better pseudonym for him. You’re lucky to have him…as he is to have you. Enjoy your trip!
Big hugs Lana! Naming the beast is a great step! I can completely empathise with the struggle. I’m in the mother and baby unit at a psychiatric hospital getting treatment for anxiety currently. It’s awful to feel like your mind has let you down but getting treatment is the best thing I’ve ever done. Xx
Thanks Tara and good on you for getting the help you need. May your stay be productive and beneficial – I know it will be.
Lana I think the silver lining to your anxiety is that you’re wonderfully empathetic and attuned. So effectively you get the crappy bit and your friends get the lovely by-product. Kinda sucks. Xxx
Thanks for sharing Lana, it helps to know that I am not the only one living with this. Since the 3rd of December 2011 when I saw the last living of my abusers on the front page of the Melbourne Age the Pandoras box of my anxiety was opened, along with the understanding of it and the depression that I also live with. However the year I have been getting counselling and have learned what coping strategies work for me. Sharing them and reading how others are coping helps. Your sharing really helps.