“If you have any friends over 40 who’re thinking of having children tell them not to do it” he said to me. His conviction was strong even though he was clearly over 40 and in the pram next to him was an adorable, cherub-faced baby boy who looked a little bit like heaven.
It wasn’t the answer I was expecting when I bumped into an old friend at the supermarket and asked him how the new baby was going. I could see bub was gorgeous and happy and I had no reason to think dad wouldn’t be smitten in love. But no, he said he didn’t feel that way at all. I am sure that on some level he was very much in love with his son and it was the lack of sleep that was talking, but maybe that’s just what I wanted to believe. Dad was adamant that this baby had been a mistake and it was one he regretted. He felt he was too old for the change to his routine, the crying, the nappy changes, the naps, the baby.
It’s not common to hear about people who regret having kids, perhaps because it’s a less “acceptable” statement. The choice not to have kids though, is more openly spoken about. A recent Fairfax article reads in part
“…new research suggests one in four women who choose not to have children live to regret their decision, as they face growing old without family.
Edith Cowan University families researcher Bronwyn Harman interviewed 330 women who hadn’t had children to compare the life experiences of the child free and the childless.
The majority of the deliberately child free are pleased they never had kids, because of the freedom it gives them. “They can do whatever they want, they can come and go as they please, they can please themselves as they want to,” Dr Harman said.
However, a quarter of child-free women came to regret their decision once they were past child-bearing age and began contemplating old age alone. Dr Harman said her study was the first to identify this trend.
Some other types of Kamagra Tablets available for cialis professional uk the patients and they remain deprived of the treatment as well as the usual diabetes drugs had their blood sugar levels restored to normal level. The pomegranate is a red, round-shaped fruit hard-shell that you cut cialis 10 mg open and remove the root that cause dysfunction. If you are unable to get rid of this sexual inability may be proven as the fatal cause of his deep frustration and peace elimination. viagra pharmacies http://www.midwayfire.com/apparatus.asp One such alternative is chiropractic, which has proven time and again shown that 35 percent of men over the age of 60 can buy kamagra soft tablets and men over an age of 70 can buy kamagra jellies to treat their problem in a short span of time, generic viagra without visa you can visit the websites of online retailers of herbal medicine. I’ve always been intensely interested in what makes people decide to have children. Is it a primal urge, a natural instinct, a desire to extend the family line, a need for love and affirmation, a conception accident or is it really insurance against not being alone when you grow older?
Because it’s crap insurance, if that’s the reason.
As an immigrant I can tell you of thousands of parents (my father included) who had children and are now growing old alone in their country of origin while their kids go on to make lives for themselves elsewhere. It cuts like a knife to know my dad has three children and lives without them around merely because of circumstance (and the horrendous political situation in South Africa).
And I think of my childfree sister who will never be alone in her old age because, even though she doesn’t have children, she has a partner, she also has sisters, brothers-in-law and a niece and nephews who will always be part of her family and her life.
There are no guarantees in life, no assurance that you won’t regret having a baby or rue the choice not have a baby.
There is really no telling what tomorrow will bring but one thing is certain, if you tell a blogger in the supermarket to write and tell people not to have a baby after the age of 40, she will oblige. Even if she regrets hearing your answer.
How did you make your decision?
It is something growing up I never even questioned I actually at one point thought I wanted 13 boys (a rugby league side – and they were all going to be exceptional players and all play for the Cronulla Sharks together!) Then I had a hormone based cancer and endometriosis that invaded everything plus a few other issues and I was told I would never fall pg and I should accept I would never have my own biological children because carrying to term or even past 20 weeks was also going to be an impossibility. So very reluctantly I accepted this. Then I SURPRISE fell pg with our son and went into labour at 25wks but with very strict bedrest had him at 31wks when my waters broke. Once we had him I knew I could fall and once I came to terms with that we could possibly (most likely) have another prem we tried for more (was supposed to be one) after 3 miscarriages we fell pregnant again with freakin TWINS!!! More prems and every complication except big blood pressure. After the girls I was told no more at all it is life threatening. I am grateful every day for our miracles and I don’t regret them at all but I was completely unprepared for what I was getting myself into I am not sure what fairyland I was living in when I was so desperate to be a mother! I can remember days when I would have put my kids on the front lawn with a sign free to any home (some days I may have even paid ppl to take them away) but I don’t regret them. That said I didn’t have them to keep me company in my old age. I have worked in enough nursing homes to know that it just doesn’t happen.
C xoxo
Imagining life with children and actually having children bears almost no similarity – I blame adverts and sanctimonious parents
Funny you should write about this when I saw this podcast today – looking forward to listening to it, and the book ‘Otherhood’ sounds fascinating too. I think it will help for me, in terms of friends who haven’t had kids. And for me relating with my sister too – she is a besotted auntie, and may become a parent, but time is getting short for her husband and her. If she is like me, she would also worry about the potential health of babies to an older (40+) mother, but she keeps these things close to her. So it is tricky, being older. At the same time, one of my friends had two children, both born via donor IVF, the first when she was 41 and the second at 43. She is financially secure enough to have help, plus she has fa ily nearby, but she is delighted with her girls. So I guess people differ – it is certainly something you need to think carefully about, I think.
As for your father, our closest friends have very similar experiences. They are here in Australia, with one set of parents, and one single father, still in South Africa. They do have a sibling each over there, but at different ends of the country. And they visit often. But it is a worry – which is why they don’t live there (but at the same time, there is a lingering feeling of, not quite guilt, but disquiet that they have left). It must be hard x
Look forward to listening to the podcast -thanks xxxx
Sorry, forget the link – http://www.thebroadexperience.com/listen/2015/7/14/broad-experience-shorts-non-mom
I’m only 34 so I technically don’t meet the over 40 criteria…but I’m also very single and have absolutely no idea how I”ll meet someone so this is a question I’ve been thinking about very seriously over the last number of years. But also I’m sick. Not with cancer or anything terminal, but with a chronic disease that requires I take some pretty powerful medication to function and to be honest, with my mum’s history of having myself and my sister and the medical conditions I have, I honestly don’t know if I could handle being pregnant! Maybe its only 9 months….but then there is the rest of the life to consider and right now I struggle to have a shower once a week (yeah I know, gross!). Plus if I did have a baby it would be an opiate baby and while the studies indicate that long term damage isn’t particularly bad if its managed well and acted on appropriately straight after delivery, then risks to the baby should in fact be minimal…but could I KNOWINGLY risk it? I love kids very much, but for this chick, I think I’ll be going down the fostering road and mentoring young people who are trying to find their way in this world. Maybe if I ever had enough money I would consider adopting from overseas, but I think I’d be okay with fostering even though the kids come and go, I’m a social worker by profession and I’d like to help out in that way and I think I could do it without hurting the children or making myself much sicker. It’s a big decision though and I might yet change my mind!
Remember that giving birth to your own children is not the only way to becoming a mother. Do what is best for you xx
I do not understand how any woman can make the decision not to have children. I don’t mean to imply that I’m judging them, just that I really don’t understand them.
I love my children unconditionally, fiercely and with total commitment. If I had not been able to have had children I know I would have been devastated.
I look at women I know who do not want children (and are in loving committed relationships) and I wonder where this need to not have children comes from.
Two of them women I known who do not want children are quite different from each other. One is a warm, gentle, clever, sweet, kind and loving young woman. The other is a vain and self-centered woman who I don’t take to at all. Both women have loving partners who appear to have accepted rather than initiated their child-free marriage.
Two other women I know were very clear ( even as teenagers) that they didn’t want children. One regretted it too late. The other did not.
Call me sexist but I do understand immediately when a man says he doesn’t want children. Men are wired differently. That’s how I see it.
No matter the circumstances when I hear of a parent (male or female) who tells you that their child was a mistake it makes me sick to the stomach. They can talk about the difficulties of parenthood but to share with another person that the child in front of them is a mistake makes me want to shake them hard.
I well understand how you feel Miss Nonny. I sincerely hope the man I met at the supermarket stops thinking of his child as a mistake very soon – or at least shuts up about it