I slept on my own last night. It was tough

It finally happened, last night I slept alone in my bed and it was awful. I watched the entire series of The Katering Show on IView followed by the whole series of When I Get A Minute. When I started thinking of writing in to tell Leigh Sales and Annabel Crabbe I preferred them on podcast I knew I was over tired. But still I couldn’t sleep. I read three chapters of a book I’m not loving and even that didn’t bring sleep. I counted sheep and did the A-Z of boys names and girls names and even attempted car types but I got bored and still didn’t sleep.

My husband is away at least one night a week so sleeping in the bed without him is not the stress. In fact it’s something I quite look forward to, not the sleeping part as much as the cereal for dinner and choosing not to watch any sport on TV part.

I have to admit that maybe I didn’t sleep because I had too much bed to myself.

Let me take you back 15 years.

When Little Pencil was born he was premature, tiny, not very settled, full of reflux with a lactose intolerance not helped by the fact that I insisted on breastfeeding him mouthfuls of lactose (the diagnosis took some time). He was so small when he came home from the hospital after two months in neo natal intensive care they suggested we feed him every 2 hours. The feeding was awful, the aftermath was worse and at times the sleep was non existent. At best it was very, very sparse.

Added to all of this I am the world’s biggest softy and after he had been through so much (2 months in hospital, surgery and multiple invasive procedures) I never wanted to let him “suffer”. And by suffer I mean cry. And by cry I mean whimper. So my husband or I went to him every time he cried out at night and we held him and patted him gently till he went back to sleep (sometimes hours later).

He got used to us being with him at nights and even as he outgrew his early health complications we lay with him at night before sleep. It became a habit that many warned us against. “He wont be able to put himself to sleep” they said, they were wrong. “You are spoiling him” they said and I sneered because in my book you can’t spoil a child with love (and I have the proof to show you it’s true).

There were nights that I lay in his bed willing him to sleep, wishing for that quiet measured breathing that only comes when sleep settles in. Nights when I had stuff to do and all I wanted was to be anywhere but in his bed and I would hear the voices of all the people who told me that it wont last forever and think that they had no clue what they were talking about. It sure felt like forever on some nights.
Instead complaining all they need to do is visit a medical expert and discuss the situation with him. loved this cialis uk For couples who so cialis pharmacy sale far failed to make natural conceiving IVF procedure gives the scope to get a full term and healthy pregnancy. Due to this symptom it is named as order viagra samples http://downtownsault.org/events-2/annual-memorial-day-parade/ as it can be easily generated with the regular usage of Musli Kaunch capsule makes the mood for perfect lovemaking. cialis get viagra Male sexual health issues can be the result of certain medication, including hypertension drugs, antidepressants, and tranquilizers.
But of course there were the nights that sustained me, the times I was able to drink in the privilege and the joy of lying down to sleep with this wonderful child knowing that he was drifting off to sleep wrapped in love and as secure and happy as anyone could be.

As he grew up and became more independent he stopped wanting us to lie in bed with him, he wanted to read play on his phone uninterrupted and although I had looked forward to this day it was bittersweet. It was just one step in my learning to let go.

But I had a trick up my sleeve – my husband travels for work a lot. Not for long periods of time but at least once a week he is away for a night or two. During those nights Little Pencil and I would have lazy (less healthy) dinners and then at bedtime, like an unwritten rule, he would come to my bed and we would watch crap TV until we both fell asleep. They were wonderful nights – like a tiny holiday in the week where routine, bed time and apparently bed choice were written off.

I would often think how glorious it would be to be alone in the bed, to be able to sleep like a starfish and stretch out, to watch my choice of channel on TV and not have to consider anything else, but having my son’s warm body in the bed gave me some sort of maternal happiness that I cannot explain. It helped me to sleep.

I’ve felt it coming on for a while now, he’s been talking about sleeping in his own room when Mr Pencil is away but he’s joined me at the very last minute. Kind of like he’s doing me a favour at first and then with genuine happiness when he settles in. But not last night.

Last night he didn’t even mention where he was sleeping. He just slept in his own bed and neither of us said a word. I didn’t sleep much.

But I can unreservedly tell you I don’t regret the hours, make that years, spent lying together. Now that I know I wont get them back I can see how blessedly sweet they were.