Welcome to my humble abode

It seems that my last post prompted quite a few people to think that I had taken complete leave of my senses.  And it’s true. I am a little stressed. I have no words for it so I will allow the pictures to do the talking today.

Please remember as you look through the rubble my pictures, that I am a control freak.   I hate mess and I love my home.


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Now this is not the way the entrance always was, for instance we never had a wheelbarrow as the main point of focus as guests enter the house.  Not even to gather gifts.  I am however thinking of leaving a similar gift receptacle in the finished house.

We also had beautiful arches.  We did not have bits of concrete around the ceiling all jagged and exposed.

This is the entrance to my house, it is not what I would term "inviting"

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This gorgeous cell wall is actually the wall of my bedroom.  Are you beginning to understand my trauma?

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This is the bathroom – I don’t really think I need to say anything more.

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Oh wait – I’ll show you the kitchen

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But it’s not all bad. Really.  Look at the very solid and lovely bolts that they have put in place so that the house does not fall apart in the horrific winds and rain that we are experiencing.

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And also there is the fact that everything is going according to plan.  Hopefully they don’t knock down the walls the plans are written on.

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Seriously.  Now do you understand why I am not completely in my comfort zone?  I know how lucky I am and I really appreciate the fact that the end result will totally outweigh all this angst but if anybody has something that will help me to sleep until October I would really appreciate that.

Back in time. In a babygro

Casually walking through the shops looking for pyjamas for Little Pencil when my eye caught a tiny little babygro.  The really tiny one.  The one marked 00000. And my eyes welled up and the tears started to flow.

How can it be that such a tiny item of clothing can have such a profound effect on me?

Will I ever be able to look at baby clothes and not feel such huge emotion?  Most of my friends look at baby clothes and feel maternal.  I look at baby clothes and feel emotional.

My baby is not a baby anymore.  He is 9.  Nine years have passed since he was born 10 weeks early weighing just over one kilogram. Nine years that I have cried every time I think about his start in life, nine years that I have cried every time I see newborn clothes.

When Little Pencil was born there was no time to get used to his size, no time to fully understand his condition.  We just had to get through every day.  We had to be strong and we had to cope.  I kept a diary of his physical condition (which is now his blog) and the social worker believed that would help me cope from day to day.  And it did.  But it never helped me process what was happening. It never helped to compensate for the fact that for the first 2 months of his life my little baby struggled every single day and I could sit with him, I could love him, eventually I could even hold him but I could not take away the pain.  I could not stop the invasive testing, the daily blood tests, the scans, the tube changes, the life full of medical intervention.  I couldn’t stop it because he needed it in order to survive.

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But I still marvel at the pull of a babygro, the power of something so innocuous to bring up something so emotional. And I realise that I actually spend a lot of time dwelling in my past – through songs that I link to places or incidents, through aromas that I associate with a certain person or experience or when I see things that bring back to mind certain events.

So is it only things that we haven’t dealt with that bring up such huge emotion?  Or is it something that has considerably changed our lives, perhaps it is just a memory that we really want to hold on to and so we bank it for later?  I like to think that this return in time helps us relive our joy, understand our sadness or experience the lessons the incident was sent to teach us.

I think I am going to have to surround myself in a lot baby clothes to get there.

What takes you back and where do you go?

Quick!! Tidy the house, the cleaner is coming

Tomorrow is the day that my cleaning lady comes to shout at me. I could not be more excited.  I love Maria like Romeo loved Juliet, oh okay maybe not that much but I love her like she is one of my friends.  One of the helpful ones, you know – the type that clean your house and do your laundry? But the kind that shouts.  A lot.

I realise that I am very lucky to have the luxury of having someone come to clean my my house. Even if she is quite shouty.  I also realise that I pay her more than I earn myself but, I realise that she is as good a cleaner as I am a payer and I am as good a cleaner as, well I’m not a good cleaner at all.

Because of her propensity to shout, the night before Maria comes is the busiest (and most nerve wracking) night of the week.  Here is the to do list I am avoiding

  • Tidy the house so that she does not believe we are messy and slovenly.  This includes washing and drying sufficient laundry so that the laundry bin is not overflowing.  There is nothing so messy (in Maria’s eyes) as an overflowing laundry basket  (in my eyes there is nothing so messy as bad handwriting but that is a post for another day)
  • Pack away laundry.  Laundry cannot be stuffed into cupboards as she will execute a cupboard inspection when putting away the 8 laundry items left for her.  Even if the clothes are clean they must be folded neatly when put away not shoved into the cupboard thereby showing us to be messy.  Socks must be neatly paired and folded
  • Water and try to resuscitate the plant that she bought me for my birthday.  I positively hate this plant and try my hardest to ignore it all week but I cannot let it die or give it away as that would be offensive to Maria who somehow manages to bring it back to peak health each week
  • Sort out the fridge.   To me, leftovers are one of the greatest highlights of my fridge.  They prove I once catered a proper meal and they are a source of many other great meals.  Leftovers offend Maria. She regularly points out the dangers of salmonella and asks me why I didn’t eat all my vegetables.
  • Practise my smile and prepare alibis and excuses.  There is no doubt that Maria will shout at me about something.  Actually lots of things.  Last week she was angry that I changed the cycle on my own washing machine, that I had bought the incorrect stainless steel cleaner, and the fact that I dared to try and cook IN MY OWN KITCHEN.

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Seriously my best bet is to avoid my own house at all costs on a Friday.  But I will get there as Maria finishes, to pay her, hear her berate me and make sure she gets to the bus stop on time to complete her military training supervision.

Do you have someone in your life that makes you help yourself before he/she helps you?

Note to self: You are very lucky

Some days things happen to me and I think “I am the luckiest human being in the universe and I hope I never forget it”. This even happens when I don’t win the lotto or even get close to it, it happens when I realise how lucky I am to have people in my life.

This morning my car went in for a service. Huge big nuisance factor but not the end of the world – hopefully the end of that hideous scraping noise I hear every time I slow down. I dropped the car at the service station and being ever mindful of the fact that summer is around the corner I decided to walk home. Again not the end of the world – hopefully the end to my widening girth.

The call to tell me about all the extra costs was followed by a call to say that the car was ready for collection so I grabbed Fluffy Pencil (he has an even wider girth than me) and we set off to collect the car. At the busiest intersection on our route I leaned down to put a leash on Fluffy Pencil (FP). I snuck in a little pat on the head and while I was leaning over and admiring his beauty I heard a huge almighty CRASH. This was followed by a couple of smaller but still mighty bangs, some skidding and lots of glass breaking. Amazingly I did not see what actually happened to cause the accident but I did see the aftermath.

Two heavily battered cars pulled up onto the side of the road to exchange details and FP and I walked over to see if we could help. Out of the car that had done the actual colliding came an old, old man dressed in black. He was shaking heavily and had his wiry, aged hand held unsteadily over his obviously pounding heart. He looked shocking and shocked all at the same time. I walked over to him and urged him to please sit down and gather his breath. He was so shaken he could hardly hear me. At this point the woman from the other car emerged and she was equally shaken, however, my quick assessment of her was that she was able to handle the situation a lot more than the old man could. I have to admit to some enormous relief when an actual witness came and went over to the woman thus allowing me to concentrate all my attentions on the shaky man.

It is very hard for me to comfort a stranger without touching them, not in a hideous kind of way but you know that hand on the arm reassuring touch. But I was too scared to touch this man in case he fell over. He was that shaken. I tried to go to a nearby house to get some sugar water for him but he looked aghast when I tried to leave. So I stayed and stroked his arm from afar and waited for him to gather his strength.
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He told me that he had just come from a funeral and the tears welled in my eyes. He told me he never saw the traffic lights through his own tears and my tears pushed at my eyes. I asked him if I could phone a family member for him so that they could come and collect him and when he told me he had no family or friends to call, the tears flooded my eyes and streamed down my face.

And then I reached out to hold him and the fear of him falling over was replaced by my need to show him that he was not alone in the world.

So this blog entry serves as my note to self about how lucky I am to have the family and friends that I have and to thank them for being there for me, during my accidents, during my happy times, during my sad times and during those times when I have needed to have my arm stroked.

PS. I could not drive the man home as I had no car – remember my story? We did however get a tow truck to take away his car and an ambulance to check that he was okay. He did not want to give me his details (perhaps he was scared of all my crying) so I cannot check up on him but I just hope that he is okay and that he knows that I care.

No time to talk

Mr Pencil and I had an excellent routine happening.  He would always call me in the evening on the way home from work.  I liked this – it ensured that I had the time to quickly decant the take away into my own pots and pans so that he believed he was coming home to another gloriously home cooked meal (he still does not quite get why a nice Jewish girl persists in cooking Thai every night).

We had been in this habit for quite some time now and this is how the conversation usually played out

Him:       Hi

Me:        Hi

Him:       I’m leaving now

Me:        Cool, drive safely, see you soon

Him:       k

Me:        Love you

Him:       *puts phone down*

Perfect conversation really.  All the bases are covered.  I know he is coming home and he knows to drive safely.

But recently Mr Pencil got himself a swish new car.  I am delighted that he got a fancy new car because really, his travel to and from work is the only time out he gets.  He works hard all day and as soon as he walks in the door at home Little Pencil ensures that he does not get any rest until he collapses in a heap for the night.

But, rather than enjoying the travel time and maybe even making a detour or two to extend this “alone time”,  Mr Pencil has discovered that the swish new car has a swish new phone arrangement.  Perhaps it is just an ordinary phone arrangement and it is in fact the luxury of sitting in the swish car that he is enjoying but, he has taken to using the phone from the car in a big way.

If by some pure stroke of luck he has a teleconference scheduled for drive home time, he is just delirious with pleasure.  He gets to talk on the phone and luxuriate in the car seat all the way home with no interruption.  The problem is that not many people can be bothered to be conferencing at around 7pm.

So now Mr Pencil turns to me for the drive home call.  The once 30 second routine call now goes something like this

Him:       Hi

Me:        Hi

Him:       I’m leaving now

Me:        Cool, drive safely, see you soon

Him:       k

Me:        Love you

Take this drug in the amount advised by the physician. tadalafil lowest price Your doctor might also test you up viagra discount sales for liver, kidney, lung problems or any other serious physical condition. Low self-esteem in this ordering levitra regard may in turn be the result of a specific situation where someone has laughed, denied or criticized in the bedroom. It relieves males from purchase viagra fatigue and offers effective cure for sexual debilities like infertility, low libido, premature ejaculation, low sperm count. Him:       I love you too.  So.. how was your day?

Me:        Um, good.  See you soon

Him:       You know I was thinking about that restaurant we went to the other night and how much I  enjoyed the starters

Me:        Yeah, it was good.  Shhh Little Pencil, I’m coming now , I’m just  talking to daddy. Finish your homework

Him:       I wonder what kind of vinegar they used

Me:        I think it was caramelised balsamic  please leave the bath water alone,  come and eat your dinner

Him:       So today at work we had this meeting with the accountants …..

Me :       Umm You HAVE to at least TRY eat dinner.  Here, I’ll feed you

Him:       Who are you feeding?

Me:        Funnily enough I am feeding our son who needs my full attention at dinner time, I really can’t talk now.  I’ll see you soon.  Drive safe

Him:       Oh – what is for dinner?

Me:        Food.  I have to go. You CANNOT do that with your knife.  Ever.  Stop.  Eat. PLEASE

Him:       What kind of food?

Me:        Thai.  No Little Pencil.  Do not try to tie the spaghetti.  Just eat it

Him:       How was Little Pencil’s day at school?

Me:        Can we talk when you get home? Come back to the table.  You cannot finish your homework with a fork

Him:       Yes.  Just been thinking about those plans.  Do you really think we should renovate?

Me:        *puts the phone down*

I like talking to my husband.  I really do.  It is just that homework/dinner/bath time with Little Pencil is a very, very bad time to do it.

And you know what the worst part is? After he gets home he does not want to talk at all.  Not even on the phone.  I am thinking of installing a car seat in the lounge because I really do need to discuss the plans to renovate the house

10 000 hours of nothing to do

I write this blog from the hallowed depths of my son’s tae kwondo classes.

Little Pencil loves tae kwondo with the same passion that I love chocolate.  That is a LOT.  I like to encourage him in all his pursuits especially tae kwondo because he is good at it and it is good for him.  It increases his confidence (and street cred), he is nimble and agile and can do a spinning kick better than most children his age and it also teaches him great focus and determination.  It also occupies a lot of his time. And I mean a lot of his time.

There are some weeks that Little Pencil persuades me to take him to four classes IN ONE WEEK.  Yup – there is a reason that he is so good at it.  I recently read a book by Malcolm Gladwell called The Outliers. In this book Gladwell talks about the 10 000 hour theory.  The theory states that the requisite amount of time to make you extraordinary at your chosen pursuit is 10 000 hours.  I’ll save you some maths time – 10 000 hours is 416 days of straight practice.  No meal breaks and no toilet break (unless your chosen pursuit is being really good at eating or going to the toilet)

When you are 8 years old it is pretty extreme to think that you can achieve this huge amount of hours – it is after all, over one eighth of your entire life.  Problem is Little Pencil does not get this, he just gets that he wants to go to Tae Kwondo classes and he wants to go often.

So while he is learning focus, dedication and a deadly left upper jab I am learning what I can achieve in bursts of 45 minutes (the duration of one class).

45 minutes may be enough time to teach the blue belt pattern or even an awesome turning kick but it is not enough time to achieve anything that is actually useful to me.
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I have tried to do the shopping.  This invariably ends in disaster.  Even tears.  The closest supermarket to the dojo also happens to be the slackest place on earth. The queues at the checkout rival only the queues at Medicare (which I have also tried and failed in a 45 minute block).  So while I race through the aisles (sometimes avoiding friends) I am conscious that I still have to contend with the check out queue.  What do you do when your child is waiting for you to pick him up, the trolley is full and the queue is not moving?  Well that is where the tears came in.  Little Pencil’s first (fear I would not pick him up) then mine (guilt).

I have even tried to use the time to get my nails painted.  It was actually quite relaxing being forced to spend the time pampering myself.  I chose a colour I really liked – unfortunately it was not the most subtle colour.  Unfortunately only because when you smudge a “non subtle” colour in an attempt not to elicit any more late pick up tears it is very noticeable. Put it this way – 45 minutes is plenty time to get your nails painted.  It is not enough time to let them dry properly.

Sometimes I try and read, but unfortunately I have gotten to that age where if I have a book in front of me and a quiet spot to read – I fall asleep. This is embarrassing for Little Pencil (apparently I have been known to let out a very delicate little breath – otherwise known as a snore) and bad for me because I always get woken up and I REALLY need the sleep.

I have tried to use the time to do some exercise of my own – even if it is just a walk around the block.  That doesn’t work because I am just lazy and very disorganised so I often turn up at Tae Kwondo wearing completely inappropriate exercise clothes (actually I do  that on purpose).

So now I turn to you. Short of actually joining the class myself (and apparently I am too old by 30 years or so) how can I use my 45 minute blocks effectively ? And remember I have 10 000 hours to fill.