parenting — Page 4

5 minutes with Kerri and Lana: The birth experience I never had

April 7, 2015 by Lana 25 Comments

A couple of weeks ago there was a ridiculous meme making its way around the Internet written by an almost hilariously ridiculous group who are clearly either attention seeking, satirical or downright bonkers.

The meme that caused the big stir was accompanied by the words “Pregnancy is a beautiful thing as it is the zenith of a woman’s role in a moral Christian society. If God has decided to call you home, it is not up to you or a doctor to reject Him. You may find yourself cast into the lake of fire for doing so. God’s Peace.” I laughed at the angst in that post but when I saw how much media attention it was getting I felt slightly uncomfortable that someone with clear issues was getting so much time in the limelight.
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Filed Under: #5minutes, Featured Tagged With: #5minutes, parenting, video

This birthday there was no cake

February 11, 2015 by Lana 14 Comments

Yesterday a friend dropped past the house to drop some swimmers off for her son who was coming around later that day for a swim (and because it was Little Pencil’s birthday).

“Let me quickly come inside and see the cake” she said as we were chatting outside the front door. “I know it will be amazing”

“There is no cake” I said.

I could tell she couldn’t quite believe me, I am the mother that has made cakes for every birthday – not just iced square pieces of sponge but CAKE cakes, think beach balls, skate board parks, wrestling rings (okay that one was quite easy), Harry Potter – you name it, I baked and iced it.

And then there were the birthday party invitations. 3D affairs that took days (if not weeks) to compile, carefully and individually worked on for ages in advance with themes that were mirrored in the party food, décor and cake. Think one of those over-the-top Pinterest type mums? That’s who I was every February for the past 13 years.

But this year my child is 14 and he is a “legit” teenager. And while he will always be my little boy he is not so much a little boy in his own mind. Now he’s a “man”, he’s too cool for parties and cakes and invitations that belong on mantelpieces.

When I asked him this year, with wild Pinterest type excitement building in my core, what he wanted to do for his birthday he kind of shrugged his shoulders and said “nothing”. I felt the tear on my apron strings, but I was strong and put on a brave front. “Why don’t you have some kids around to swim, we can order pizza and mum and dad will stay upstairs spying on you out of your way”. “Maybe” he answered.

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It’s a bit symbolic the lack of cake (he insisted on that fact) and the lack of organised party. It’s like the sweet, neat part of his childhood is behind us and we are facing a whole new world.

Teenagers are not that sweet, life is not as tidy and neat as it once was. He is bigger, messier, more complex than ever before. And while I once balked at the idea of parenting a teen for this very reason I have seen that there is little to be afraid of and much to savour and enjoy.

His personality is more complex, there are nuances and traces that make him that much more interesting – he is still amazingly sensitive and compassionate at the same time as being laugh out loud funny and confident but he is all that with a maturity that makes him easy to be around. He’s not my baby anymore but I’d choose him to be my friend – he’s a really good person to be around.

He’s opinionated but with intelligence, he’s louder but with smarts, he’s older but with wisdom.

Of course there are the very many trying times – he’s got a teenage brain and can back talk for Australia. We still have many lessons to learn together, many mistakes to make, prizes to win and roads to travel. But I have every confidence that now that I’m not so busy writing invitations and baking cakes and he’s not so busy discovering what kind of person he is going to be, we are going to do all of that so very well.

I am infinitely proud to be his mother, I never dreamed I could love a teenager as much as I love my young man.

Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: parenting

Do parents want the best for their kids or just for themselves?

February 9, 2015 by Lana 6 Comments

Sometimes, while I am in the midst of screaming and shouting or threatening some major punishment, I wonder how much of what I am saying is going to be repeated by Little Pencil when he grows up and takes himself off to therapy. There are some arguments I remember with a clarity all too bright, I hope he never mentions those ones, in fact I really hope he doesn’t even remember them. But we are lucky, on the whole there are more good days, more happy days where I try to use positive reinforcement to model the behaviour I expect. There are even more days where I just succumb to his every wish. Or resort to bribery.

But for every minute that I wonder if I am inflicting damage on my child by taking away his electronics when he is rude or losing my shit with him when he doesn’t listen, he knows I love him. I give him (very small, teeny tiny) boundaries because I care and even though that sounds trite and ridiculous to a teenager, he knows that I am coming from a place of love and respect.

I get that parenting is hard and I am well aware that I don’t know all the answers, I only walk in my own shoes and I have created as functional a family as I can (quite different to the one I came from I may add). But what the hell is it with all the hideous discipline stories turning up lately?

An article in The Washington Post gives the details of a hairdresser in suburban Atlanta that will give your child a “shame” cut.

Three days a week, parents can take their misbehaving kids to A-1 Kutz in Snellville and ask for the “Benjamin Button Special,” which Russell Fredrick and his team of barbers are offering — free of charge — to parents who want to try a novel form of discipline.

The cut involves shaving hair off the child’s crown until he begins to resemble a balding senior citizen, inviting that unique brand of adolescent humiliation that can only come from teasing classmates and unwanted attention.

Supporters say it’s the perfect punishment for misbehaving kids who want to “act grown.”

And then this, possibly the most deranged story you could imagine, when a 6-year-old boy in Missouri endured a four-hour staged kidnapping because his family thought he was being too nice to strangers. Yes, you read that right. But it gets worse.

The boy was lured into a pickup after getting off his school bus, tied up, threatened with a gun, taken to a basement where his pants were removed, and told he could be sold into sex slavery.
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CNN reports

The boy was told in the truck by Nathan Wynn Firoved, the aunt’s co-worker, that he would never “see his mommy again,” and he would be “nailed to the wall of a shed,” the sheriff’s statement said.

The boy started to cry, police said, and Firoved, 23, showed the child a gun and said he would be harmed if he didn’t stop bawling. Firoved used plastic bags to tie the child’s hands and feet, police said. He took his jacket and covered the boy’s head so he couldn’t see.

He guided the boy, still unable to see, into the basement of the mother’s home, where his 38-year-old aunt took off the boy’s pants, according to the sheriff’s statement.

“The victim remained in the basement for some time before he was unbound and told to go upstairs, where the victim’s family lectured him about stranger danger,” the statement said.

Thankfully all four adults have been charged with kidnapping and other felonies even though they told investigators their primary intent was to educate the victim and felt they did nothing wrong. Ugh.

Clearly these cases are not the norm, one would hope that no sane parent would willfully torture their own child. One would hope that no parent would ever willingly ridicule their child or subject them to derision at the hand of others. One would hope most parents want the best for their kids not just for themselves.

Because really it is all about the kids, our choice to have them, to keep them to raise and support them. Parenting is not about fulfilling an adult’s needs, it’s about nurturing children. It’s not about balancing your life to fit in career and family, it’s more about putting the kids you chose to have first, even while you work. It’s only 18 years of your life that those kids are there depending on you in some way. Only 18 years. It’s not a power struggle or a competition or even a game. How hard is it to remember that one day soon our kids will be adults, that once we were kids that, that the way we are treated as children shapes the way we live our life as adults?

Whenever I think about any of the big parenting decisions I have to make I am reminded how lucky I am to have the opportunity to play such an important part in someone else’s life, how privileged I am to be the person that sets up this child for life and how short my time of influence really is. How much I hope my parenting is always perceived with love .

Of course all of this stands true only for me but I would love to hear your point of view – do most parents want the best for their kids or just for themselves?

Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: discipline, parenting

When does motherhood end?

November 16, 2014 by Lana 27 Comments

Yesterday a friend sent me a copy of Jane Caro’s article in the Sydney Morning Herald, an edited extract from Between Us: Women of Letters, edited by Marieke Hardy and Michaela McGuire. I can only assume that this extract was chosen because it’s a little controversial and it would get people talking. Well at least I hope so, in fact I hope it’s controversial at all and not just to me (although I doubt it because my friend emailed me with just one sentencing saying “I’m glad she’s not my mum”)

Caro says in an article aptly entitled, Jane Caro on why she is irritated by the young

No doubt my jaundiced view reflects my recent escape from the gilded prison that is mothering. I love my daughters. I find them endlessly fascinating. (I suspect, however, that to those who did not bear them, they hold less interest. I still often have to feign attention when others talk about their children. I do so, of course, so I can then talk about mine while they pretend to be interested.) But I have been a mother for 26 years. Mothering is something I am proud to have done, but I am over it. My daughters are decent, independent, contributing members of society but, whatever happens, I claim neither credit nor accept any blame. It’s their life now. If they need me, I will help them, but I quietly hope they won’t need me very often.

Before I go on let me make it clear, I am not judging Jane Caro’s brand of motherhood I am just commenting on how diametrically opposed my own idea of motherhood is to hers. In fact in lots of ways I have heard Jane speak on parenting you could say that we don’t agree on much but that doesn’t make her a better or worse mother than me (although I am quite sure she would not want herself being defined by her parenting skills in any way shape or form).
To me motherhood doesn’t end. Of course it changes as the needs of your child change but it doesn’t just go away. You don’t stop being a mother because your children hit a certain age.
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I am perplexed by the idea of motherhood being something you have to get through or some part of your journey that has a limited shelf life and you can just neatly pack away when your children turn 18. For most of us motherhood is a choice and one which we should make with our eyes open – yes, being a mother does mean a lot is going to change in your life – work is going to be harder, your social life is going to look different and even your body is going to change. It’s part of becoming a parent – you sort of mould with the arrival of your child and you continue to evolve and change shape as your children grow up and their needs change – because they are dependent on you for a while. It’s a given – you should possibly know that before you have children.

To say that our children are just one part of our lives is true and correct but they are a major part. A huge part, an intensely important part that we can’t just choose to ignore or not pay attention to because they are kids. And when they grow up they are still our children, albeit older. I would no more dismiss my own sisters or parents as having outgrown their “usefulness” than lose interest in being part of my child’s life because he is an adult. We are family. We stick together.

I consider being a mother to be a blessing rather than a chore but some days it is hideously hard. Some days it’s suffocating and it’s claustrophobic and minutes seem like hours and hours seem like years. But I chose it, I am the one who fought to conceive and carry a pregnancy through, I am the one who gets the joy and the love, the happiness and the pride and sometimes I get the drudgery and the tedium. But I wouldn’t have it any other way and I can’t see this love I feel expiring at a certain date in the future.

What do you think? Do you still need your mum? Can you imagine not being around for your own children?

Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: motherhood, parenting

The night a sociopath came to stay

July 3, 2014 by Lana 17 Comments

It is a little ironic that a few days after I wrote about not posing a threat to my son’s confidentiality and privacy I took to Twitter to seek help in regards to his behavior.

You see up until recently my son has been the most delightful child that you could meet. He’s been loving and caring, compassionate and kind and he seemed to really want to make me happy. I know it’s a bit selfish to want your child to make you happy but geez it was nice.

If we argued (and we did) he would be contrite and apologetic and genuinely seem to learn from whatever had caused the issue.

But that seems to be over.

Now he’s just a shit (although I think he’s just hormonal not genuinely shit)

When he is told off (generally for being rude) he shrugs and literally says “I don’t care”. It’s quite hard to handle.

Although to be honest the day after his major hormonal outburst now known in the Pencil household as “the night the sociopath came to stay”, he was so insightful as to his own behaviour that he made me marvel at him all over again. He also showed maturity beyond a sociopath level.

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I’ve changed my mind.

I need help from people who understand adolescent behavior and it seems to have been making it’s way to me almost as if there was a teen god sending it over. I’ve been stumbling across articles and essays that I may have seen around but never paid attention to. So much science and research into the brain which actually explains why the sociopath took hold of my son’s brain.

I remember people saying to me when Little Pencil was a baby – “small children small problems” and I wanted to whack them. It was condescending and unhelpful and not really true. All parts of parenting have their own issues and their own rewards. When he was small he was so attached to me, now that he is bigger that attachment has to change. I hope that is what they meant.

I love my adolescent son more than I could ever put into words. We have been lucky enough to enjoy an incredibly close and meaningful relationship. We have a bond that I am grateful for every minute of every day but I know that part of this stage of his life means our relationship has to change and that in some way I need to allow him to lead that change.

We don’t have to stop being close and loving each other an unhealthy amount but I do have to let him grow up. I need to allow him to be a teenager, to find his feet, to determine his strengths and his weaknesses, to come to me when he needs me and to pull away when he needs to find himself.

I just hope that he knows that I am on his side. And that I can still be a LITTLE bit scary when I shout only because I love him.

Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: parenting

14 (fairly valid) reasons not to homeschool

May 21, 2014 by Lana 25 Comments

On the weekend I read a report in the newspaper about homeschooling. Well I half read it and half covered my eyes to the horror of it. The article suggested that home-school registrations in Queensland have risen by 234 per cent in the past seven years. And it is believed that close to 85 per cent of children being taught at home are not registered with the Department of Education

I’m not against the idea of homeschooling per se, I am just anti the idea of me doing the homeschooling. In fact I can think of at least 14 reasons why I could never homeschool my own child. Or any child

One of my dog’s favourite parts of the day is taking Little Pencil to school in the car, he treats 8am like the most exciting time in the entire world and jumps up and down excitedly like a mad cyclone as we leave the house. At 8:03 he is fast asleep in the back of the car. If we homeschooled he would miss that intense three minutes of exercise between 8:00 and 8:03.
By the time I get Little Pencil to school I need a coffee and occasionally a snooze. I also need some silence
I hate homework more than most people. I think I can say this quite seriously because for some reason I still don’t understand, I get involved in Little Pencil’s homework so have more reason to hate it than most people
I am the least patient person on earth, This may be related to the point above.
If we homeschooled Little Pencil he would have far fewer friends, holidays would be catastrophic because he’d have no one to play with. Also aren’t holidays for homeschoolers just like term time? You still have to stay at home which is essentially the same place as school
I can’t do math above kindergarten level . In fact I’m not even that great at kindergarten math
I don’t like craft. I especially don’t like craft where children are allowed to do the decorating or the gluing or the writing or any of it
My 13-year old son already thinks he knows everything. How on earth his teacher’s cope with convincing him they know more than he does is a skill that I just don’t have

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I hate mess
I love the fact that Little Pencil has a school uniform so that he doesn’t have to spend hours deciding what to wear. I fear homeschooling would get off to a very late start if he were to decide on his own outfit. Or he would be a nudist
You cannot sit on Facebook and Twitter all day long if you’re supposed to be teaching your child
I don’t like anyone else using my favourite textas
Apparently house cleaning is not on the curriculum so I would feel bad about wasting half of my son’s day

But honestly

14. I would rather run away and join the circus and I HATE circuses

Could you homeschool? Do you have the patience? Can I have some just for homework time PLEASE?

Filed Under: Featured, My Views Tagged With: parenting

When the light shines through

May 4, 2014 by Lana 9 Comments

Worry is part of being a parent. When our children are babies we worry when they don’t sleep, when they are asleep we worry that they are sleeping too much, when they eat we worry about what they are eating when they don’t eat we worry even more.

As they grow up we worry about all the decisions that we make, we worry that we are doing the whole parenting thing wrong, we worry that they will end up angry or spoilt or in therapy or all three.

As they get older we worry about alcohol and drugs and peer pressure and not getting home. We worry about social media and sexual partners and not working hard enough to get the job they want.
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Filed Under: Featured, My Life Tagged With: family, parenting

Adolescence tries to steal the good natured human that was once my son…but he wins

April 13, 2014 by Lana 7 Comments

This is how I found my son hanging out today.

It is the beginning of the school holidays. Sadly it’s also the beginning of adolescence in our family and my son is acting like he’s been mainlining testosterone with added shots of attitude.

It’s not pretty.

It’s at times like this that my cheery positive attitude (said with only a hint of irony) tells me that it’s more important to focus on all the good things that he does than all the testosterone disguised as attitude that is trying to escape his body at the moment.
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Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: parenting, teens

Maybe getting married IS the cornerstone of happiness…

February 17, 2014 by Lana 16 Comments

Not a day goes by that somebody doesn’t write some extremely contentious article on the internet. Sometimes it’s a really valid strong point of view, sometimes it’s an attempt to get people to talk about and share the article so that numbers go up the site attracts more advertising dollars and sometimes you write something with the most noble of intentions and it just goes feral.

Parenting and feminism are real big push button subjects. No one really likes to be told how to think, especially in areas where there are clearly so many shades of nuance.
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Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: current affairs, parenting

This is what a Bar Mitzvah is really all about

January 31, 2014 by Lana 12 Comments

This is our 789th practice session for the Synagogue part

Next week is my son’s Bar Mitzvah.

According to Jewish faith Bar Mitzvah happens when a boy comes of age at 13-years-old and is recognised, by Jewish tradition, as having the same rights as a full grown man. A boy who has become Bar Mitzvah is morally and ethically responsible for his decisions and actions.

The term “bar mitzvah” also refers to the religious ceremony that accompanies a boy becoming Bar Mitzvah. This is basically a religious ceremony at Synagogue where the boy is called to read from the Torah in Hebrew and deliver his learnings – ie what he has learned from that Torah portion he is reading.

It’s definitely one of the most important days in a Jewish man’s life and possibly one of the most nachas-filled for his parents (nachas is a Yiddish term for pride).

And now that I have been all earnest and politically correct I will tell you a few home truths about what the Bar Mitzvah is also about according to Jewish tradition rather than Jewish faith [Read more…]