parenting — Page 6

The oldest excuse in the book: My parent’s did it and I turned out okay

July 26, 2013 by Lana 19 Comments

I am always a bit astounded by the comments that appear online as soon as the smacking debate makes the news again. Granted there are other times that the comments astound (and horrify) me but the smacking issue seems to bring out a lot of defiance and plenty of room for discussion.

Today’s news is reporting that a leading group of New Zealand and Australian doctors from the Royal Australasian College of Physicians are pushing to make smacking children a criminal offence.

Daily Life reports

“The Royal Australasian College of Physicians will call for a legal amendment to give children the same protection from assault as others in the community.

The president of the college’s paediatrics and child health division, Susan Moloney, said physical punishment could escalate to abuse. ”We know that a significant number of child homicides are a result of physical punishment which went wrong,” she said.

Research shows it can lead to depression, anxiety, aggression, antisocial behaviour and substance abuse. In Australia it is legal for parents to use corporal punishment on children as long as it is ”reasonable”.”

Personally I found it interesting (and eye opening) that research shows teenagers who have been smacked as young kids experience more social problems in high school. It is also telling that research shows that a child who experiences physical punishment is more likely to develop increased aggressive behaviour and mental health problems as an adult.
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And I know that there is a difference between smacking and abuse. But I can’t deny that smacking is physical punishment.

But back to the commenters and my own little bit of unsubstantiated evidence based research. From a brief scan of comment is seems that the majority of people who are in favour of smacking are very defensive about it. Bordering on angry. Unlike many of the people who prefer the idea of using other forms of discipline, who seem more balanced in the expression of their thoughts. There are also a lot of men who are in favour of smacking. A lot. I would guess proportionally much higher than the amount of men who are full time carers and in the coalface of the “a little smack on the hand when your toddler is about to get run over after having run into the middle of the road” type scenario which you hear ALL THE TIME.

The repeated mantra of “I was smacked as a child and I am perfectly okay” seems to support the research that people who are smacked as children are more likely to smack their own kids. Does it also mean they are more likely to experience mental health problems like depression or anxiety, to display aggressive or antisocial behaviour, have substance abuse problems and abuse their own children or spouse? I’m not sure.

But I am sure that being a parent is a privilege not a right and and their are certain duties that come with that privilege, like taking care of your child’s physical, emotional and mental needs. You can’t blame your parents, your situation, your addiction or your hideous childhood and abusive spouse. You have to be the best parent you can be – not the same parent as your parents were.

And after reading the comments I have seen in the media today, I still wouldn’t smack my child.

Are you a smacker? Do you think I have stereotyped you unjustly? Where do you stand on the smacking divide?

Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: parenting

Kate, there are a few things you should know

July 19, 2013 by Lana 6 Comments

Yesterday I read that Snooki had written a letter to Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge to give her a bit of parenting advice. Snooki is a reality television personality best known for being a cast member of Jersey Shore. She is also a new mother and she can (sort of) write so why shouldn’t she be one of the many thousands that are going to shower advice on to the expectant Duchess?

It’s a centuries old tradition that experienced mothers pass down advice to new mums. If you have a child, you’ve heard it all before. Chances are you’ve passed on your own advice to new mothers. It’s done with every good intention kind of like Snooki writing a letter to The Duchess of Cambridge. And me telling Kate what I have learned, because if I had the chance to talk to here this is what I’d say:

Don’t get stuck on what the books say. Your baby doesn’t read and humans don’t actually come with manuals. All the books that are written about babies were written long after babies came along.

Don’t compare your baby to any other baby but especially not to the baby in the book (just in case you failed to take heed of my first point).
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Feed your baby whatever makes you happiest. If you ever waiver about this one look around the table when the extended family and a few select dignitaries get together for a cucumber sandwich and a cup of tea and try and pick out the ones that were bottle fed and the ones that were breast fed. You won’t be able to.

I’m not sure about palace sleeping arrangements (although I have no idea why I remember the fact that you are actually living in an “apartment”) but if you want to sleep with your baby – do it. I am quite sure your alcohol consumption is low enough to ensure that this is perfectly safe. I don’t think there has been any valid scientific study that says you can spoil a baby with love. Conversely if you have help and you want the baby to sleep in another wing – go for it. Your baby will eventually sleep – how he or she learns is irrelevant (go back to the dinner table scenario if you will – you wont be able to tell the adults that were left to cry or those that were comforted to sleep). As long as YOU are comfortable with what you’re doing it’s right for your baby.

When you look back in 5 or 10 or any years time that one horrendous feed isn’t going to make a difference, nor that one story you didn’t feel like reading, nor that sleepless night, nor that pre-packaged, preservative filled meal you fed your baby. Try let go of your guilt, it’s the worst part of being a mother

That said, enjoy what you can because when you do look back you will never regret the time you spent with your child. You might regret missing the opening of a castle or regret the fact that you said you’d officiate at the launch of an old aged home, you might regret that you never ate that red velvet cupcake with the cream cheese icing while the royal bodyguards had their backs turned but you will never regret time that you spend with your child

Whether you are the future Queen of England, a reality TV star or a mum in the suburbs it doesn’t change a thing – having a baby will change your life in the most profound, meaningful and beautiful way possible. And if you love your baby then whatever else you do is right.

Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: parenting

The one thing my son can’t stop doing

July 16, 2013 by Lana 15 Comments

The other day I was watching my son lying on the field with his friend. They had been playing soccer and were now sprawled out under the goal posts looking up towards the moving clouds above them. I imagined, for a moment, that they were just reflecting, lying there imagining names for the clouds that were forming magnificent shapes above them. Then I remembered it was my son lying there – which meant quiet reflection was not only not a possibility it wasn’t even something in his lexicon.

My son talks a lot. He could talk for Australia. He never, ever runs out of things to say and if he does he just repeats what he’s said before but with a different angle. Thank God he’s very intelligent so he can think on his feet.

Sometimes I blame myself for this non-stop barrage of words. You see when he was a baby I never ever let him cry. He made a sound and I ran to his side to pick him up or to let him know I was there. I think this is why he thinks that whatever he has to say is so important. And, truth be told I am glad that he thinks what he says is important, I just wish he wouldn’t have such “important “ things to say all the time.

Some days it is enough to make me to want to stab my own ears.

His chatter is amusing; he’s got a brilliant sense of humour and an excellent way with words. The fact that he is nearly a teenager means that I’m actually quite interested in what he has to say. Except when it’s about soccer or x-box games. And it’s about soccer and x-box games A LOT.

He has a lot of the most patient friends on earth who are excited to listen to him babble on incessantly. In fact I often hear them laughing as he goes on and on and on. I think they like it…. And if they aren’t there he is just as happy to talk to himself. Or to sing. As long as his mouth is moving and it’s not eating he’s happy.

He must be a joy to teach. Not. (His reports are beautifully worded – words like “enthusiastic” and “exuberant” and “sharing of knowledge” are used quite often. We are working on the school part – promise)
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But for all the long stories that I listen to about Liverpool Football Club and Ronaldinho and Louis Suarez (soccer players) and x-box game plans and complicated and intricate ball passes and tae-kwondo kicks, I also get to hear the really important stuff.

It’s not just his mundane thought that he shares with me. Little Pencil trusts me with all his stories. He tells me what’s cool and what’s not with 12 year olds. He talks to me about his day at school, he tells me what is happening with his friends and all about the little girl that he likes. When there is a flare up on Instagram (and there often is) he tells me what has happened, how it happened, how he thinks it should have happened, what’s going to happen next….you get my drift?

He tells me what’s happening on Facebook and when someone sends him a message that says more than “Hi” he’s often keen to share it. You’d be surprised how many tweens send Facebook messages that say little more than “Hi” or “Hey” or “Sup?”

It may sound quite noisy in our house and putting it out here on “paper” makes it seem a little annoying (it can be when he’s telling you every single play in a 90 minute soccer match) but on balance I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Teenage years are nearly upon on. If we can just talk through those – I think we’re home and hosed.

Have you got a talker? Does your child share their every thought or are they more of a closed book?

Filed Under: Featured, Little Pencil Tagged With: parenting

Seems as if all this helicopter parenting is turning out okay

July 1, 2013 by Lana 2 Comments

The first thing I noticed was something in his voice. If I hadn’t been watching, eagerly videoing every movement he made I don’t think I would have even recognised that it was him.

Little Pencil was giving a speech at the Bat Mitzvah of one of his best friends. He was standing in front of 160 people with two of his best mates happily and confidently talking about how much his friendship with the Bat Mitzvah girl means to him.

As I listened to his voice and I disconnected for a minute, I heard the voice of a young man. Not in the broken, squeaky way a young adolescent man speaks, but in the tone and confidence that a little kid would never use.

It wasn’t a little boy speaking.

As the night wore on and I watched him shaking his little hips doing the Harlem Shuffle and prancing around Gangnam Style I realised that this was not my little boy dancing. This was “one of the boys”. One of the kids that I had never been at school myself – confident bordering on cocky, self assured, happy, loving every minute of his life. Only interested in the here and now because there was nothing else clouding his vision.

This was not a little boy on the dance floor.

I have tried for a while now to look for signs that he’s still actually just a little boy but the truth is that Little Pencil is 12 now and he’s just not a little boy anymore.

The good thing about most pop-up blockers is that you can usually set the program on you can find out more tadalafil professional cheap “auto enable”, which means that the pop-up blocker will start whenever the computer is started. Aboriginal of all, it is accepted to access claret breeze buy viagra tablets to the genitals. The condition can impact on woman’s hormone level and tadalafil generic canada menstrual cycle, which results in fertility issues. The other day this couple lost their home due to the sildenafil online callous treatment by the team of expert Chiropractor Vista CA has a genuine concern for the complete lovemaking and enjoy pleasurable lovemaking with your female. There is such a big part of me that wants to cling on to him and keep him young, keep him in my arms and needing me but, and you can all let out a collective sigh of relief now, I know that he needs to be allowed to grow up. He needs to stretch his wings even though his armpits are very smelly (just another indication that he’s growing up.)

He needs different things from me now that he borders on adolescence. He needs different things from all of his relationships and however hard it is for me to watch from the sidelines and give him the space he needs the one thing that keeps me strong is pride. Pride that he turned out so extremely well.

I may have been the clingy helicopter mother, I may have fussed and worried and been over protective and done too much and helped too far but in the end my child is growing into an amazing young man. He is happy, he is self-assured, he is outgoing and smart but most importantly he surrounded by friends that adore him and he loves living his life.

What more I could ask for as my child enters the next phase of his life I don’t really know. But I do know this – as he grows up I’ll still be there for him. I will still worry about him and look out for him. I can’t stop that – I am his mother. Also I am a worrier.

He may make his own social arrangements, he may be far more self sufficient, he may spend all night on the dance floor and ultimately spend more time with his mates than with his family but he will always know that of all the things that I have done in my life – he is the most important, the most meaningful. And he will always know that I am here for him.

And even when he’s 50 and his dance moves have become a little less flamboyant and his speech making relies less on rhyming words I’ll still be proud of him.

Because he’ll always be my son. No matter how old he is.

Filed Under: Featured, Little Pencil Tagged With: kid, kids, parenting

Another day another breastfeeding smack in the face

June 26, 2013 by Lana 2 Comments

I was never going to breastfeed my child. I had vomited for what felt like forever, I had stopped eating sushi and I had given up my ankles and I just knew that I wanted my body back after my baby was born. I was working in a corporate environment, no one around me had babies and I just didn’t think that breastfeeding was for me.

And then I had my son 10 weeks early and he was sick. Very sick and really ridiculously small. He was whipped away into the Neonatal intensive care unit and I was transferred to high care. We were both sick it seemed. But him more so and before long a midwife was standing by my bed giving me instructions on how to express milk for a son that I had never touched or held.

There was no option it had to be done, and to be honest I was desperate and afraid in this very intensive medical setting and I did whatever the doctors/nurses/people wearing official uniforms said and I expressed.

I was happy to be doing SOMETHING for my child, anything because all his other needs were being met by machines and medical staff. So I persevered and I pumped and I expressed and luckily he was only on 2ml feeds and I could manage just about that. (I was really bad at expressing )

It didn’t really go so well though. Little Pencil failed to gain weight. The hospital added Human Milk Fortifier to his feeds (yes like formula but added to the breast milk!) and he didn’t handle that well. So he was taken off feeds and put back into intensive care. He got sicker. He required a blood transfusion. You get my drift – he was really unwell.

But he got stronger and better (just not much heavier) and after 2 months we left the hospital with my beautiful son weighing 2kgs. Boy was I proud of him.

And then he was sick – all the time. He could not put on weight. Repeated and hideous invasive testing eventually showed that he was severely lactose intolerant. Breast milk is full of lactose.

What does a mother who has been told that “Breast is Best” for 8 months do? When for 8 months every day you hear people repeating the mantra “at least you are able to feed him, you are doing the best thing for him” Repeatedly. For 8 months. And then your doctor tells you to stop breastfeeding THAT DAY because you are damaging his stomach lining?

I know that my situation was extreme and that breast IS best for most babies. But I also know that sometimes it’s not. Sometimes formula is best – sometimes for the baby and sometimes for the mother.

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Breastfed babies have an increased chance of climbing the social ladder and carving a better life than their parents, research shows.

Breastfeeding increased the odds of moving up social classes by 24 per cent and reduced the odds of sliding down by 20 per cent, a large British study found.

The study, published in the Archives of Disease in Childhood, examined the social class of the children’s father – measuring them as unskilled, semi-skilled, professional and managerial – when they were 10 or 11 and their own social class at age 33 or 34.

“We found breastfeeding for longer periods increased the probability that someone would move up the ladder more than for someone fed for a shorter duration,” said lead author Amanda Sacker, of the University College in London.

But further down, and perhaps most importantly, there’s this

Professor Sacker said mothers who did not breastfeed should have skin-to-skin contact and cuddle while bottle feeding, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint if breast milk nutrients or bonding afforded the greatest benefit.

Wouldn’t it be great if the study results could be reported as “babies who are cuddled have better chance at success.”

Even though undoubtedly breast is often best even this study cannot claim whether it’s the breast milk or the close bonding that helps the child in the long run. So why lead the article with breastfed babies when the link has been difficult to pinpoint?

Because it’s sensationalist scaremongering.

The Breast is Best message is strong. It is accurate (in most cases). But sometimes it’s not. And no amount of guilt is going to make that different

Filed Under: Current Affairs, Featured Tagged With: parenting

Discipline done the (old) school way

June 18, 2013 by Lana 7 Comments

I’m sitting in my car waiting to pick my son up from school when the message appears with it’s customary ping on to the screen of my phone. It’s from my son.

“I got in trouble at school today. Don’t get super angry and please listen to me when I try to tell u in the car 🙁 sorry”

Well, what do you do with that? Other than the obvious which for me is to worry that your child is scared you are going to get super angry?

My son is a good boy. Okay he’s very naughty but in a mischievous, chatty kind of way. He has been known to talk A LOT and one of his favourite things in the world is to make other people laugh. Maybe if I were his teacher I wouldn’t have started that sentence with using the term “good boy”.

But, even though he can er, chat a lot, he has a healthy respect for authority (where I am not seen as any kind of authority figure). He is scared of getting into trouble at school and as part of his desire to make people laugh he also shows an amazing capacity to try make people feel happy – this stops him from playing against the rules because he knows that nobody’s gonna be happy with that!

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So what was I to make of his text?

He got into the car with tears brimming in his eyes and every single part of me melted. I am putty in the hands of tears.

He explained his version of the story which I am sure had a grain of truth in it. Basically there was a “misunderstanding” about a ball being kicked when it shouldn’t have been played with – after the deputy head of the high school (cue more intimidation) had told him not to. I heard his side of the story and assumed he may have been covering some of the truth and the teacher in question may have been feeling a little sensitive because she sent him to the headmaster of the primary school for a dressing down for, from what I have been told, seems like a fairly minor infringement that she could have easily managed herself.

So here I am with a child crying over something that happened at school and as far as I am concerned has been dealt with at school. His very excellent headmaster was kind, gentle but firm and asked him to write an apology to the teacher that he had “offended”. Dealt with like a professional from where I stand.

But what was I to do – do I punish my child for something that happened at school that I didn’t witness? Do I take his side? The teacher’s side? Or no side at all?

I think it’s important for my son to know that I care about his schooling, I have always taken an active interest in his school activities because of that (and because I actually am interested). I sit with him while he does his homework because I want him to know that I think what he’s doing counts and that it is important and that I care about what he’s learning about (I don’t really).

I feel like I am part of his school life because of this and also because of the astounding community minded nature of the school (he goes to an extraordinarily brilliant school which I love and will defend to the death.)

But discipline at school belongs at school and so I calmed him. I told him I understood that there had been a misunderstanding, I told him to write the apology letter and put the whole thing behind him. I think all the fear and worry about telling me was punishment enough from our side…

What would you do if your child got into trouble at school? Would you punish him at home or would you let it go?

Filed Under: Featured, Little Pencil Tagged With: kids, parenting

The perfect job

June 6, 2013 by Lana 12 Comments

One of the things that happens when you suddenly stop working 20 hours a day 7 days a week is that you have a lot more time to think. Not about work and page views and headlines but about family and real views and heart lines.

Naturally, given that I am slightly neurotic and an extreme over thinker , I’ve spent a significant amount of my newly discovered time worrying that somehow I missed out on my family during my years of 20 hour days.

Let me just preface everything I am about to say with the fact that I support/respect/admire/love women that work outside the home just as much as I support/respect/admire/love women who don’t. This is not about judgment or privilege (even though I realise what I privileged position I am in), this is not about pointing fingers or blaming the patriarchy or the feminist movement– it’s just about me, my position and the way that I feel about my own experience. Read this paragraph again and again every time you feel like I may be judging you, talking about working women in general or your own personal situation.

I don’t resent the job that I did and I understand that it was as much my pursuit for perfection, as the role in a 24/7 cycle site that contributed to the fact that I had no life outside work for at least three very long years.

And I can’t help thinking and stressing and ruminating and worrying about my son.

It’s not that I believe that he missed out on anything while I was stuck in my laptop. He has an amazing father who plays as significant a role in his life as I do, he has an awesome and supportive extended family who have shown him unconditional love and support, and I have the kindest most givinng friends who have loved him as their own. Added to which he goes to a school where the pastoral care is above and beyond the call of duty. So he’s been fine. Loved, cared for, stimulated, educated and supported.

But I worry that I missed out on him. I worry that there were things about him I don’t even know I missed. I worry that I nearly missed him growing up while I was watching the world go by on my laptop.
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Every week there seems to be some flare up in the media about working mothers – either they are really good or they are impossibly bad. But overwhelmingly I read the online comments that mothers make saying “mother’s deserve a break” and “working mothers make better role models” and “child care provides the best alternative for mothers and children” and, at the risk of sounding like the middle class white guy complaining about persecution, I almost feel bad to admit that I am happier not working full time, I am actually much happier to be parenting full time and working part time only when my child is at school. It’s not that I don’t want to work – I’m actively looking for work. But work that fits in with my son. I don’t want him to try and fit in with my work.

I don’t think we’re being anti-feminist or going back in time if we allow women to acknowledge that they want to stay at home with their kids. I object to working mothers telling me that the mothering experience is lesser, especially those working mothers who have never known any different – if it’s my choice it’s not lesser for me.

If feminism is about choices I want to feel validated in my choice to look after my family. I want to be able to say to people – I choose not to work full time because I am lucky enough not to have to and because above all else I want to be a mother. Children are children for a short time.

The other morning I confided to my husband that I feel awful that I have become the kind of mum that drops her child at school in her gym clothes and then spends the morning between a treadmill, a coffee shop and sometimes a meeting or two. I told him I didn’t feel like I was contributing. In the best husbandly fashion that he exhibits on a regular basis he just looked at me and said: “You are making a bigger contribution now than when you were working full time – you are the family glue”

I didn’t feel offended or indignant being referred to as the glue. I didn’t fight with him about the fact that women don’t get to choose the work or family option because of the patriarchy because, more than anything, I want the family option. I feel loved and validated and grateful beyond words that I can be giving the biggest part of myself to my family.

It’s sad that I can’t say it out loud without worrying that someone is going to take offence. But you know what? I’m happier being a mother than I am being any other role and I am trying not to be ashamed to admit it.

Filed Under: Featured, Parenting, Work Tagged With: career, kids, parenting

Parenting – you’re probably doing it right before you’ve even read one piece of advice

June 3, 2013 by Lana 8 Comments

I have been sleeping through the night for about 9 years now. Since around the time my now 12-year old son turned 3.

He never really slept through the night until he was close to three years old. I was pretty tired, I probably was very snappy and I most certainly wasn’t fresh faced and doe eyed. But I was resolute that if he woke up in the middle of the night so would I.

I did not want him to cry himself to sleep, I did not want him to wake up in the middle of the night and not have me there and frankly I did not understand the reasoning behind a small baby with no means of expressing himself having to wait a minute before his needs were addressed.

While you may think I am stark staring crazy I am okay with that. It was a choice both my husband and I made very early on in our son’s life. He was a sick baby, he was very tiny and the doctors made silly pronouncements like he was “failing to thrive”. He wasn’t putting on any weight and we were missing NO chances at trying to get him to eat – be it at 1am or 3am or 9am or any time in between.

I read all the books. Yes really, when you don’t sleep you get quite a bit of reading time. I was warned about the “dangers” of letting your baby cry unattended and I was repeatedly “threatened” by the fact that my son would never learn to self settle and hence would never sleep by himself well, ever.

It’s all absolute tripe to me. And the benefit of hind sight is a wonderful thing. My child is 12, he self settles, can sleep on his own and is not the most spoiled creature on the planet – that title belongs to my dog. I am happy not that I chose to never let him cry – but that I listened to my heart. I did what was right for me and my child.

But the debate about self settling, controlled crying and learning to sleep rages on and with the so-called “benefit” of online parenting forums sprouting forth so much militant anger it’s surprising anyone gets any sleep. Certainly the comment moderators don’t.

It astounds me that people can get so angry about choices that other people make. Choices that will not affect them or their babies. Hell, if you want to let your baby cry in the middle of the night (and you love your baby) and I can’t hear the crying – go for it. I didn’t choose to do that for my baby – but that was the right choice for me. And my baby. Doesn’t make it right. Or wrong.

Last week Pinky McKay a famous Australian lactation consultant and baby massage therapist who believes “babies and toddlers are people too and they deserve empathy and respect, not ‘training’ through techniques such as rigid routines, controlled crying or spanking” unleashed what can only be described as a torrent of abuse at people she calls “tamers” (people who use techniques to get their babies to sleep) .

Included in her rant of “Most Frequently Asked Stupid Questions” was this

“1/ why does my baby cry when I leave him in his cot?
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For Pete’s sake (I hope ‘Pete’ was a Cuddler), you have a stone age baby in a space age world! He is programmed to expect a sabre tooth tiger or a crocodile or an eagle to swoop and gobble him up if he’s all alone. So don’t leave him alone in the frigging cot if he gets upset. If he’s still crying, for goodness sake pick the poor little bugger up before he is overcome with stress hormones that will fry his tiny brain and screw him up for life!”

You can read the whole tirade here if you have a strong stomach.

She sure got angry. And the veiled threat of being screwed up for life because of stress does not go unnoticed by exhausted mothers. Exhausted mothers who only turn to her for advice because they love their babies but they desperately need their sleep. Some people cope better without sleep than others. Fact.

Maybe Pinky herself needs a little sleep and I think she acknowledges this by sort of apologising on her blog the very next day . (you can read that post here)

I get that she got angry that her message wasn’t getting through to people. I get that she believes so passionately in what she does – and to be honest I support her ideas that babies should be treated with empathy and respect, not ‘training’. I get that she just wanted to lash out and have a bit of fun with it.

But I also get that we have created an environment where people don’t trust themselves as parents.

We live our lives online and we read blogs and websites and forums and everybody seems to be following some technique or learned skill and we get frightened and confused and we forget to rely on our selves as good and instinctive parents.

We try and parent like the books say or the bloggers do or the lecturers demand. We often don’t tend to our children the way that our hearts dictate for fear it hasn’t been proven in some study to develop and enhance our kids brains and prevent their futures from becoming frazzled.

I’m not condoning Pinky McKay’s outburst because I do believe that mothers deserve to be supported whatever track they choose to take. But you know what; it really doesn’t matter what she believes , she’s not the mother of your kids.

Maybe it’s time to stop taking the concept of the virtual village to raise a kid so seriously. Maybe we should just be supporting mothers to do what they believe is right for their kids. Even if we don’t agree with it.

Filed Under: Featured, Parenting Tagged With: kids, parenting

Where do you draw the line with what you say online?

April 8, 2013 by Lana 14 Comments

Isabella Dutton (photo from The Daily Mail)

I am always careful in what I put online – especially when it comes to my child. I check with him if I share a photo that he is in it and I am mindful of not putting anything out there that I would not want him to read at any time. Not just now but in the future.

It is with this in mind that I was quite taken aback when I read this brutally honest post from Isabella Dutton aptly named “The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life”

Isabella is 57 now and her two children Jo and Stuart are adults. She has told the world via an article in the Daily Mail about how much she resented her children. How she wished she’d never had them.

She writes in part

“My son Stuart was five days old when the realisation hit me like a physical blow: having a child had been the biggest mistake of my life.

Even now, 33 years on, I can still picture the scene: Stuart was asleep in his crib. He was due to be fed but hadn’t yet woken.

I heard him stir but as I looked at his round face on the brink of wakefulness, I felt no bond. No warm rush of maternal affection.

I felt completely detached from this alien being who had encroached upon my settled married life and changed it, irrevocably, for the worse.

I was 22 when I had Stuart, who was a placid and biddable baby. So, no, my feelings were not sparked by tiredness, nor by post-natal depression or even a passing spell of baby blues.

Quite simply, I had always hated the idea of motherhood. In that instant, any lingering hope that becoming a mum would cure me of my antipathy was dispelled.

I remember asking myself, ‘Is he really mine?’ He could, quite literally, have been anyone’s baby. Had a kind stranger offered to adopt him at that moment, I would not have objected.

Still, I wished no harm on Stuart and invested every ounce of my energy in caring for him. Even so, I know my life would have been much happier and more fulfilled without children.

Two years and four months after Stuart was born, I had my daughter Jo. It may seem perverse that I had a second child in view of my aversion to them, but I believe it is utterly selfish to have an only one.

I felt precisely the same indifference towards her as I had to Stuart, but I knew I would care for Jo to the best of my ability, and love her as I’d grown to love him.

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Yet I dreaded her dependence; resented the time she would consume, and that like parasites, both my children would continue to take from me and give nothing meaningful back in return.

Whenever I’ve told friends I wished I’d never had them, they’ve gasped with shock. ‘You can’t mean that?’ But, of course, I do.

And further into the article she explains her life with her kids

Tony and I had our rigidly defined roles. I did not look after the children when he was around. So as they played football, sat glued to the Grand Prix or watched the golf, I would creep back to our chalet and immerse myself in a good book. Other mums were running around like headless chickens after their children, but in our household Tony took that role.

We shared many happy times together; I did everything a good mother is supposed to. We had bucket-and-spade holidays on the Isle of Wight; there were endless sports events in which the children shone. I’m sure they would agree that they always felt secure and loved.

It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.

Having children consigns you to an endless existence of shelling out financially and emotionally, with little or no return. It puts a terrible strain on your marriage and is perennially exhausting. And your job is never done.

I know my life with Tony would have been so much happier without children, less complicated and more carefree.”

I don’t believe either that Stuart or Jo sensed any coolness on my part, although Jo once said, ‘You never tell me you love me, Mum.’ And I didn’t, it’s true. But I reassured Jo that I did love her. She and Stuart just accepted that I wasn’t demonstrative.”

It’s crystal clear she didn’t want children and I almost applaud her for the honesty in which she conveys this. She may not have loved her children in the traditional sense (certainly not in the Hallmark sense) but she acted like she thought a mother was meant to behave.

Clearly her children are old enough to have read it and it’s obvious that she has spoken to them about it. Why she wrote about it is another story altogether. But does she deserve to be attacked by “better mothers”?

The Mail Online closed comments on the post but not before thousands of people attacked her, not just as a mother but as a person. The comments were horrific and nasty. Hundreds of other media outlets picked up the story and the comments were just as vehement.

No kidding huh?

As always it makes me wonder about all the people that write hateful and poisonous comments online. Not just about this story but many others. Somehow it’s okay to write anything in a comment, it’s fair play to be mean and nasty in a response to something but it’s not okay for a writer to do that in a post.

I moderated comments on Mamamia for many years – I think I’ve seen the gamut of responses to other people’s parenting. I’ve been unlucky enough to stumble on some hideous forums that think it’s fair play to pick apart Australian bloggers, I’ve read the comments on far too many stories on other online forums and I’ve seen the vilest of Twitter abuse.

So while I can’t claim to understand what drove Isabella Dutton to write this piece (maybe she just wanted to air her view – maybe she has indeed helped thousands of other mothers who bring up their children perfectly well but hate parenting) I have more difficulty understanding parents that continue to bully and abuse other parents in comments and online forums while proclaiming how much better they are as people.

I’m careful about what I put out there about my son, I’d hate to hurt him in any way. I am well aware that it’s as easy for him to read the comments as it is the story. And I never want him to think that bullying is okay.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: kids, parenting, social media

Why they don’t give out soapboxes at the Easter Show

April 3, 2013 by Lana Leave a Comment

My son is up there somewhere. WITHOUT me I might add

The day did not start out well when I sprinkled Chinese five spice powder on my breakfast instead of cinnamon. As a general rule I do not like more than one spice for breakfast. Enough said.

The plan was to go to the Easter Show by car because I am allergic to public transport. Allergic meaning I have huge control issues and need to be able to access my car at any point in time and escape if I must. The five spice powder should have acted as some kind of warning but no, I drove to Homebush to find every single access to the parking at the showground closed.

Eventually after parking somewhere very far away and getting a shuttle bus we got to the show. My son was so excited to be spending the day with me that he told me so eleven thousand times. The low point being when he said “and you don’t even have your lap top in your bag”. Had I spent so little time just with him (and no work) in the past few years that to just hang with me was such a praiseworthy experience? I am afraid the answer might be yes.

That said going out with no work stresses felt foreign but extraordinarily liberating. I was almost willing to look past the five spice powder and lack of parking… I was going to have fun damn it!

Until I saw an “exhibit” which appalled me so much I almost stood on a soap box and called for the Easter Show to be closed down immediately. Remember I hate being in the public eye – but this was horrific. Seriously.

It was a deep, narrow tank of fish. At first I felt sad for the fish because there was literally no room for them to turn round and I am one of those people who believe fish should have room to move… But worse than that was the whole concept around this trapped fish tank – you could pay money to have a chance to fish from the tank. Obviously you’d be guaranteed a catch.
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Now I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t stay around to find out the details – for all I know you could just traumatise the fish and throw it back, or maybe you got to kill it properly and eat it. Maybe you got to keep it as a pet – any way you look at it I can’t find anything about it that seems fun, entertaining or ethical about trapping a fish and then catching it by luring it with a hook. It’s like putting an animal in a cage and shooting it for sport. In fact that’s exactly what it is.

I tried so hard not to obsess over the fish. But then I got to the animal enclosures and I saw a pig feeding her piglets and I wanted to get back on my soapbox and call an end to intensive factory farming. (By the way you can help do that here – seriously do it!)

Pigs need a little bit of space to smile like this

I am no good around animals. No good at all.

This turned out to be a wonderful thing for my son because I forced him to leave all that behind and spend the rest of the time at the show checking out amazing sugary confection, riding scary rides and traipsing around the showbag pavilion laden with bags. No wonder he thought spending the day with me was so much fun!

So tell me – when you visit a place like the Easter Show is it for the rides or the animals? Are you into the craft or the woodchopping? What is your Easter Show calling card?

Filed Under: My Life Tagged With: parenting